Venting To do it or not...

[TheHatedOne]

I'm at a crossroad. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I have everything I need, yet, I won't do it. It's as if something holds me back (most probably s.i). But then again, I have some people that the thought of leaving them pains me, I have a feeling one of them did ctb. I'm still awaiting that important thing but I fear it won't arrive. I just wanted to talk to them one more last time, they told me about a path for the future that I didn't even know of. I'd take this path after I'd quit university, but just the thought of quitting scares the fuck out of me. I think I'm used to comfort or something. I'm really a coward. It's one of the reasons that I'd do it.

But then it's also the financial situation and things ending by spring 2022 if nothing changes. So what's the point? whether i do it now or in spring 2022 it would be the same thing. Yet something holds me back. I've no clue anymore. Many thoughts run in my mind and there are many choices and stuff.

 

[bed]

understand to some degree what you mean. I have N, i've broken the seals and yet i've sat there not being able to do it. It's a shitty feeling to say the least.

 

[Manaaja]

I constantly alter between "I want to die right now" and "I want to continue for a while and ctb later" too. I have tried to commit suicide dozens of times, yet it hasn't become easier.

Even small changes can be difficult let alone major changes. It's normal to be scared. I'm really bad at making decisions too, I often freeze and think "What if this makes things worse?" instead of "What if this makes things better?".

It is possible to live a good life or get a job without a college degree. I know artists who have never went to college and still gain thousands of euros every month on Patreon. Some successful game developers and coders have never been in college. Some musicians too. And of course in modern times there are also youtubers etc. who get enough money to become millionaires or gain tens of thousands of euros even though they don't have any education. I saw a video about a Korean girl who makes mukbang videos (videos of her eating at home) and gets thousands of dollars per a single video. Yet it's also true that finishing the college might be helpful too. I'd freeze in that kind of situation too. It's hard to make decisions when you don't know where they will lead. I'd suggest writing your thoughts down on a paper, listing pluses and minuses.

I wish everyone in every country was able to get enough money (from the government, from the rich, from companies, anywhere etc.) to live comfortably, even if they weren't working. I wish financial troubles didn't exist. I know people who have killed themselves because of money problems. It's sad to see young poor people die just because old rich people didn't give them money.

 

[TheHatedOne]

I constantly alter between "I want to die right now" and "I want to continue for a while and ctb later" too. I have tried to commit suicide dozens of times, yet it hasn't become easier.

Even small changes can be difficult let alone major changes. It's normal to be scared. I'm really bad at making decisions too, I often freeze and think "What if this makes things worse?" instead of "What if this makes things better?".

It is possible to live a good life or get a job without a college degree. I know artists who have never went to college and still gain thousands of euros every month on Patreon. Some successful game developers and coders have never been in college. Some musicians too. And of course in modern times there are also youtubers etc. who get enough money to become millionaires or gain tens of thousands of euros even though they don't have any education. I saw a video about a Korean girl who makes mukbang videos (videos of her eating at home) and gets thousands of dollars per a single video. Yet it's also true that finishing the college might be helpful too. I'd freeze in that kind of situation too. It's hard to make decisions when you don't know where they will lead. I'd suggest writing your thoughts down on a paper, listing pluses and minuses.

I wish everyone in every country was able to get enough money (from the government, from the rich, from companies, anywhere etc.) to live comfortably, even if they weren't working. I wish financial troubles didn't exist. I know people who have killed themselves because of money problems. It's sad to see young poor people die just because old rich people didn't give them money.

Unfortunately I don't have artistic talent, music skills or what it takes to be a YouTuber. Coding is too difficult for me. I'm dumb at everything and that's why I probably chose university path, especially foreign languages since I thought it was the only thing I was good at and nowadays everyone can finish university. Yet here I am, can't even complete this shit. I'm too dumb for anything. I wasn't made for life.

Tho the dear person who probably ctb told me I could do a training to get a certificate to teach English abroad. But then comes my financial situation and the very probable situation that I'll be forced to move back with those who abused me which I won't accept. Even with this little bit of light, suicide is still the only way to go.

 

[Hans Voralberg]

You are afraid of quitting because university was your comfort zone even that you were bullied there you know this threat very well and now you facing the unknown which can be very stresfull and scary. Training certificate is a very good option in my opinion.In my country English teachers are still very needed east Europe needs good English teachers.We have many language school in my country. What is this new path in life for the future?

 

[TheHatedOne]

What is this new path in life for the future?

basically studying to get that certificate to teach abroad. but there are many things that I don't even know anymore.

 

[Hans Voralberg]

Confronting with unnknow is always a starting point of a journey. I think teaching abroad is great opportunity for you in my humble opinion You would be finnancially independent in the future and gain qualifications that can be used to do a certain job. You will also gain opportunity to see other countries and gain new expieriences. Your confidence can also boost. You have also a new goal. This path can be really emotionally refreshing and life changing for you which I truly wish you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think for me, I would only ctb if I was certain about my decision and I had no doubts. No matter what the option to ctb is always there, if you cannot take it anymore. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[TheHatedOne]

Confronting with unnknow is always a starting point of a journey. I think teaching abroad is great opportunity for you in my humble opinion You would be finnancially independent in the future and gain qualifications that can be used to do a certain job. You will also gain opportunity to see other countries and gain new expieriences. Your confidence can also boost. You have also a new goal. This path can be really emotionally refreshing and life changing for you which I truly wish you.

Possibly, but I don't think it would be enough for me to keep staying by my own. Let's say that my financial situation gets fixed, I still always thought that I'd die at one point in my life by suicide. I'm not made for life, not made to bear with the suffering and injustice that I see everywhere, not made to bear with the abandonments and the way humans are.

 

[Hans Voralberg]

No one is made for life. We haven't some special miraculous right to be on this Earth in this specific time. What I learnt during my short but painfull life is that ultimate happiness is not exist because our needs as a human beings are infinite. No human can fulfill all his plans and desires truly fully because of this.The core of life is to just expierience it. To feel love, lust, pain, sorrow, sadness, fear, boredom and even this truly unnamed emotions hidden deeply in ourselves.Main goal of all this experiences all interactions between you and the world is to make your own mark on it. You see suffering and injustice and feel pain about it and this is your strenght because your heart is not blind. Your mark on world can be good. The ancient greeks believed that this is only way for a man to become a hero to become immortal left the good mark in people and world around you. This is your first step on this way. Think how many people lifes you can change for the better if you teach them English for example as a language teacher. I write with you right now because my tutor in language school gave me knowleadge about English and this changed my life. I found this place, met you and all Ss community gained friends that understand me and helped me in my darkest time. This one teacher literally changed my life. You can do the same.

 

[RazzleDazzle]

I think that as long as there's a question mark around whether or not to ctb it's probably best to hold off. Once you do it, it's not something that you can change your mind about later on.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

It's a decision only you can make. But, if you are interested in escaping Romania, I would pursue every avenue possible and see if making that happen would improve anything at all.

Perhaps in a better world, you would fare like Dr. Tenma when he moved to Germany, and find some successes. Being in another country away from your unsupportive family and toxic university might be the catalyst for something better.

Not perfect by any means, but better than being mistreated all the time.

Though I know precisely what you mean when you describe the sinking sensation of feeling destined for ctb regardless. Even if I were magically transported to another world where people gave a damn about me and I wasn't ill anymore, I don't think I could forget the years of suffering I endured either.

 

[Hans Voralberg]

I agree with KuriGohan&Kameh ameha. If you truly want it and think that a changing country in which you live can get you new opportunities and improve your mental state you should do it in the future. Perhaps your sourrounding is just toxic for you and you cannot achieve a better future in your country especially in economic point of view I don't know is Romania a very hard place to live we have many stereotypes about this country in my homeland. Leaving family can be hard for you but it will open a new ways also to build future on your own terms.

 

[TheHatedOne]

Perhaps in a better world, you would fare like Dr. Tenma when he moved to Germany, and find some successes. Being in another country away from your unsupportive family and toxic university might be the catalyst for something better.

I like the analogy, though Dr. Tenma was a very smart man and could do only do this and have success in his field with his brains, and let's say, some with his empathetic and kind nature too. I'm far away in terms of intelligence. I know we speaking about a ficitonal character here but still...

 

[VoidDesirer22]

I also consider teaching language overseas, but people really fail to capture the anxiety that comes with any of this new opportunity. It really depends how an individual experiences tension, stress and anxiety.

Stress and anxiety is really difficult for me to process, so it ends up outweighing the positives.

 

[TheHatedOne]

I also consider teaching language overseas, but people really fail to capture the anxiety that comes with any of this new opportunity. It really depends how an individual experiences tension, stress and anxiety.

Stress and anxiety is really difficult for me to process, so it ends up outweighing the positives.

i exactly feel the same, but more than the stress and anxiety is the overall pessimism, It's more likely for me to fail than to succeed.

 

[Not Sure]

i exactly feel the same, but more than the stress and anxiety is the overall pessimism, It's more likely for me to fail than to succeed.

If you start by thinking you will fail, you will fail. Self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

[TheHatedOne]

If you start by thinking you will fail, you will fail. Self-fulfilling prophecy.

Even if you take a neutral approach, there's still the chance of failing along with the chance of succeding. Why I tend to think it's more likely to fail? Because life itself is more negative than positive and I had many moments where I thought I'd succeed in something only to fail. An example I can think of is university. See, when I started it I thought I would succeed and that I will go through those 3 years with no problems. I'm doing something I like and that I'm pretty good at, foreign languages. So what could go wrong? And now I'm on the verge of giving up which will fuck up my future even more as if it wasn't already fucked.

It's not a self-fulfilling prophecy, it's just life where bad stuff happens more than good stuff. In that case you're cautious to not be extra hurt by expectations and hopes not happening.