Good morning everyone, thanks for this incredible forum and for all the info on it.
I would like to present myself as a 35 old person in Europe that can't take it anymore.
Right now I am on depression, anxiety, and a cardiopathy.
I always been easily depressive, but on prepandemic times I could say I was ok... then the pandemic came, I've lost more than 30 people, and 3 weeks ago 2 of my friends got to CTB. I had to be kind with the parents of one of those friends and calm them, but it affected me much more so I am in worst state.
I have been helping lots of people 7 years from now, hearing, aiding, helping... Now I can't help anyone. I can't and I feel so sad.
I had 3 cancers through all my life (1st at 17, 2nd at 25, 3rd at 33). I had 2 heart attacks due to stress on my life (nearly 3).
Right now I feel very tired of all, I am only resisting to CTB as I don't want my lovely mother to suffer. She will be so alone if I go... and she is not ok due to familiar problems (maternal part).
Due to my psych treatment, I have access to big quantities of seroquel, valium, abilify, trazodone, and some more. But depression does not go out. I've been like these since February.
I had 3 CTB tries since I was young, all with OD and all failed (paracetamol, no sequels; valium 100 tablets, no sequels; lorazepam 60 tablets, no sequels). I have a very resistant body till the point medics are still surprised (the OD survival, cancers, heart attacks...). Oh, and paramedics on the ambulance came to see my after one of my heart attacks to tell me the first thing I did when they resurrected me was... I told them a joke (I can't remember that, but sounds plausible due to my personality).
I don't know how many time I will afford to stay like that, besides all the medications prescribed to me, I think that mixing them in large quantities should be a pro to CTB, but knowing my resistance history I don't know if that's the best way.
Some days ago I sent to the health department on my country a document stating my will in case I became physical or mental disabled, as euthanasy laws has been approved recently.
The other CTB method that I think of is partial hanging, at home, in peace, but I did some tests and I don't find the "sweet point". I am overweight and muscular and have a strong neck.
What scares me the most is not death itself, is the suffering I will cause to my mother as we are very supportive on each other (she had a cancer some years ago and I was her support, just right now with her familiar problems). I have written a note stating nothing of that is her fault (in case I CTB) and she has been the best mother I could have on life.
I feel this are dark times, and after all my predictions came true, I don't see myself resisting what is coming in the next few months and years. I am tired of life, of cruelty, of mobbing, and most things that I had to resist this last years.
*sigh* Thanks in advance to all of you for reading my story.
I would like to present myself as a 35 old person in Europe that can't take it anymore.
Right now I am on depression, anxiety, and a cardiopathy.
I always been easily depressive, but on prepandemic times I could say I was ok... then the pandemic came, I've lost more than 30 people, and 3 weeks ago 2 of my friends got to CTB. I had to be kind with the parents of one of those friends and calm them, but it affected me much more so I am in worst state.
I have been helping lots of people 7 years from now, hearing, aiding, helping... Now I can't help anyone. I can't and I feel so sad.
I had 3 cancers through all my life (1st at 17, 2nd at 25, 3rd at 33). I had 2 heart attacks due to stress on my life (nearly 3).
Right now I feel very tired of all, I am only resisting to CTB as I don't want my lovely mother to suffer. She will be so alone if I go... and she is not ok due to familiar problems (maternal part).
Due to my psych treatment, I have access to big quantities of seroquel, valium, abilify, trazodone, and some more. But depression does not go out. I've been like these since February.
I had 3 CTB tries since I was young, all with OD and all failed (paracetamol, no sequels; valium 100 tablets, no sequels; lorazepam 60 tablets, no sequels). I have a very resistant body till the point medics are still surprised (the OD survival, cancers, heart attacks...). Oh, and paramedics on the ambulance came to see my after one of my heart attacks to tell me the first thing I did when they resurrected me was... I told them a joke (I can't remember that, but sounds plausible due to my personality).
I don't know how many time I will afford to stay like that, besides all the medications prescribed to me, I think that mixing them in large quantities should be a pro to CTB, but knowing my resistance history I don't know if that's the best way.
Some days ago I sent to the health department on my country a document stating my will in case I became physical or mental disabled, as euthanasy laws has been approved recently.
The other CTB method that I think of is partial hanging, at home, in peace, but I did some tests and I don't find the "sweet point". I am overweight and muscular and have a strong neck.
What scares me the most is not death itself, is the suffering I will cause to my mother as we are very supportive on each other (she had a cancer some years ago and I was her support, just right now with her familiar problems). I have written a note stating nothing of that is her fault (in case I CTB) and she has been the best mother I could have on life.
I feel this are dark times, and after all my predictions came true, I don't see myself resisting what is coming in the next few months and years. I am tired of life, of cruelty, of mobbing, and most things that I had to resist this last years.
*sigh* Thanks in advance to all of you for reading my story.
