To be impulsive, or not to be. That is the question

[MisterOGBongWater]

I often find myself wondering how to tell if I'm being impulsive. It's hard to tell. What even is impulsive suicide really?

What implies impulsiveness? Is it impulsive because little did I know, I would've felt better a few hours later? What about the next few? When your life day to day life is a constant back and forth between serenity and a nightmare how are you to tell when is truly the correct time to take your life? Maybe it's when I feel I've seen and done enough. Maybe it's if I get sick. I dunno. I am sick. Just not in a way I can be seen.

I guess I ask myself what am I waiting for? Another episode of happiness soon to fleet away? What's the point? The cold reality is you either want to deal with it or don't. And I know I don't. Yet I procrastinate my death, day by day praying to a god I don't believe exists for purpose and it never comes.

 

[Roseate]

I think it's when there is no hope, and when you're so tired, nothing seems to matter much anymore. When you've gone so far, and when you just roam this world like you're barely there. When the anger and sadness becomes overwhelming and you just feel you can't breathe anymore. When the sadness used to be every other day but it goes from not as constant to more constant. 5 days a month to 25 days a month for example. When breathing hurts and the little bits of good days don't seem to cut it anymore. When nothing else seems to work, when everything just gets worse and it doesn't seem to be changing for the best. There is a lot to it. But I think that's where it starts.

 

[offbalance]

yeah I'd imagine in many cases it's a mix between impulsive and planned, like the person in the moment is like "this is the time now" and just feels it more in that moment, but at the same time is just tired overall so their suicide can't be said to be just a spur of the moment decision.
Or they could just be so tired that any moment feels like the best moment to go, they don't need such a moment cuz all moments have become that moment.
Probably depends on how intense your SI is. If you struggle with SI (and anyone can even the most suicidal of individuals) then it probably has to be the former, a more "impulsive" moment

 

[MisterOGBongWater]

I think it's when there is no hope, and when you're so tired, nothing seems to matter much anymore. When you've gone so far, and when you just roam this world like you're barely there. When the anger and sadness becomes overwhelming and you just feel you can't breathe anymore. When the sadness used to be every other day but it goes from not as constant to more constant. 5 days a month to 25 days a month for example. When breathing hurts and the little bits of good days don't seem to cut it anymore. When nothing else seems to work, when everything just gets worse and it doesn't seem to be changing for the best. There is a lot to it. But I think that's where it starts.

I've been in this place you've described since I was a kid. I still can't tell if I'm just crazy though. I don't know. I wanna experience the good at the risk of the bad. But everytime there's bad, I can't take it. I dunno. I don't want people to leave me. I don't want to feel miserable anymore. It's very comforting knowing I don't have to partake in all of this. What if I regret it though, that's a scary thought. So is living though. I genuinely just want safety and peace and the reality is the world is cold and I have to suffer as a part of life. I don't want to suffer. I hate myself

yeah I'd imagine in many cases it's a mix between impulsive and planned, like the person in the moment is like "this is the time now" and just feels it more in that moment, but at the same time is just tired overall so their suicide can't be said to be just a spur of the moment decision.
Or they could just be so tired that any moment feels like the best moment to go, they don't need such a moment cuz all moments have become that moment.
Probably depends on how intense your SI is. If you struggle with SI (and anyone can even the most suicidal of individuals) then it probably has to be the former, a more "impulsive" moment

Exactly yes this is how I feel. I have a full scale plan. I know step by step what I'll do. But I'm waiting for something to flip the switch I guess. I really have no survival instinct. I constantly put myself in physical danger, and risk legal trouble over stupid things. I WANT to be gone. I want to die. I get the same comfort I get from a warm embrace when I put a cold barrel to my head. I guess I'm just holding out hope something good will happen. And even now when it has, I realize how potentially i can loose it at any second. And that scares the fuck out of me.

 

[Roseate]

I've been in this place you've described since I was a kid. I still can't tell if I'm just crazy though. I don't know. I wanna experience the good at the risk of the bad. But everytime there's bad, I can't take it. I dunno. I don't want people to leave me. I don't want to feel miserable anymore. It's very comforting knowing I don't have to partake in all of this. What if I regret it though, that's a scary thought. So is living though. I genuinely just want safety and peace and the reality is the world is cold and I have to suffer as a part of life. I don't want to suffer. I hate myself

You might regret it. You might regret dying and you might regret living if it doesn't get better. I think when it feels like that, that just means it's not time yet. And maybe there is a chance that you've suffered enough and one day, you'll get that safety and peace you want. But there is a possibility you won't because there is no guarantee unfortunately. I wish it was easy for you and you could get a guaranteed that it will get better for you and that you'll get everything you want and need. But one day, I'm sure you'll meet someone and they won't leave because not everyone leaves. It's easier for some people to leave but there are some of us out there who have gone through that exact thing and so we don't leave. For now I'd say just breathe. That's all you have to do. Every day you wake up, that's an accomplishment. That's a reason to be proud of yourself. Giving yourself grace helps with learning to love yourself. I know what you're going through and it sounds dumb but you don't have to know what to do right now. It doesn't have to be all figured out and that's okay. If you need to talk, reach out. We get it. We all get what you're feeling.