To Be Determined

[NekoNomNom]

I'm just sort of sitting here with my thoughts, with no place to put them.

I've just been...existing these past few months; no life is being lived through me.

I am exhausting my friends. I know that they care, but being beyond help and saving is too much for them. They try so hard to help me "get better," which would be fine if that's what I wanted--but I don't. They know that, but won't accept it.

It's a real blow for me to have to give up interacting with my friends. However, I would rather it be this way than them getting sick of me and refusing to come near anymore.

I don't know. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I only ever end up hurting myself. I just want to sleep and not wake up. I know that's how we all feel. If only it were that easy.

 

[HorribleFeelings1]

I feel you brother/sister, I can't interact with my friends much because i have no strength in me. I'm living but not "living" if that makes sense, much love !!

 

[oneside]

I've been just existing too... I think we murder our souls in the moment that we are right about the decision of leaving this world. :/

 

[SpottedPanda]

I'm totally going through the motions of a life, and have been for a while. I feel like I'm on autopilot, just existing on borrowed time, starting from when I decided that I wanted to exit.

I know what you mean about if only it were that easy, if there was an off switch I would have 100% pressed it by now. Suicide is a hard and complex thing.

I don't have to think too much about exhausting others, or pushing them away. The only time /i actively discuss suicide is on this forum, and the only person who is up yo date is my psychiatric care coordinator, and even then, I explain things sparingly, so I don't get sectioned.

I'm so used to being alone, and since I grew up as an only child, I think I wouldn't know loneliness if it hit me.

 

[Nolye]

Just existing is one of the worst feelings. Everything you do is on autopilot. You don't feel anything and if you do, it's just a despair.

I know that maybe this isn't a lot of confort to you, but at least you have friends who care for you. However, I also know what it means not wanting to get better. Because, to be honest, what's the point? Pushing away people you care about is hard, very hard, you do it for yourself and you're doing it for them. It's terrible.

Sleeping and not waking up would be a dream coming true, definitely the best way to go.

If you need to talk to someone, I'm here.

 

[NekoNomNom]

Just existing is one of the worst feelings. Everything you do is on autopilot. You don't feel anything and if you do, it's just a despair.

I know that maybe this isn't a lot of confort to you, but at least you have friends who care for you. However, I also know what it means not wanting to get better. Because, to be honest, what's the point? Pushing away people you care about is hard, very hard, you do it for yourself and you're doing it for them. It's terrible.

Sleeping and not waking up would be a dream coming true, definitely the best way to go.

If you need to talk to someone, I'm here.

I suppose I should use the word "care" loosely. While yes, they do care, they also care what happens to me so long as it fits *their* agenda.

I don't have very many female friends, as hard as I have tried, so a lot of my friends are dudes who have wanted in my pants at some point or another. So in their mind it's like, "oh, I can look like a big bad hero if I can successfully say that I 'saved' her." But then they go behind my back with one another when I'm being "difficult" about being "saved," saying that I need to "get the fuck over it," and that I'm wrong for how I'm feeling and what I want for myself.

I actually didn't find out that last bit until very recently. So that's also part of the reason that I find myself recoiling from them. I know that I'm difficult, so I have not only given them an out to leave me alone, but I have shown nothing but appreciation to them for putting up with me. Which is very difficult to muster when all you want to do is mope around, wishing you didn't exist. It's just another stab in the back from people who say that they "care," and I am beyond sick of it.

 

[Nolye]

I don't have very female friends, as hard as I have tried, so a lot of my friends are dudes who have wanted in my pants at some point or another. So in their mind it's like, "oh, I can look like a big bad hero if I can successfully say that I 'saved' her." But then they go behind my back with one another when I'm being "difficult" about being "saved," saying that I need to "get the fuck over it," and that I'm wrong for how I'm feeling and what I want for myself.

I actually didn't find out that last bit until very recently. So that's also part of the reason that I find myself recoiling from them. I know that I'm difficult, so I have not only given them an out to leave me alone, but I have shown nothing but appreciation to them for putting up with me. Which is very difficult to muster when all you want to do is mope around, wishing you didn't exist. It's just another stab in the back from people who say that they "care," and I am beyond sick of it.

What a disgusting behaviour, and the things they say... my God, people can be really a bunch of assholes. And even after you showed nothing but appreciation towards them. I'm so sorry you're going through this, especially alone. I know you probably know this already, but please remember that your feelings are just as valid as theirs.

I understand why you would recoil from them. I used to think that loneliness will kill me, but with these kind of people around, maybe it's for the best. You don't have to answer if it's too personal, but do you have girl friends? You said that a lot of them are men, but I take not all? How's your relationship with them? Could they understand you a little better?

Like I said, if you need someone to vent, I'm willing to listen.

 

[autumnal]

I'm just sort of sitting here with my thoughts, with no place to put them.

I've just been...existing these past few months; no life is being lived through me.

I am exhausting my friends. I know that they care, but being beyond help and saving is too much for them. They try so hard to help me "get better," which would be fine if that's what I wanted--but I don't. They know that, but won't accept it.

It's a real blow for me to have to give up interacting with my friends. However, I would rather it be this way than them getting sick of me and refusing to come near anymore.

I don't know. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I only ever end up hurting myself. I just want to sleep and not wake up. I know that's how we all feel. If only it were that easy.

For what it's worth, depressed people's perceptions of the impact they have on their friends, family and loved ones is usually quite skewed by the illness. Odds are, your friends genuinely want to be there for you, and be around you despite your moods. It's unlikely that they would get sick of you and refuse to come near you.

That's not to say you might not choose to push them away if doing so would make it easier for you to suicide, whether easier practically or easier emotionally. But at least be clear in your mind if this is the reason you are doing so. Please don't underestimate their willingness and ability to be a strong support for you while you choose to stay around.

 

[NekoNomNom]

What a disgusting behaviour, and the things they say... my God, people can be really a bunch of assholes. And even after you showed nothing but appreciation towards them. I'm so sorry you're going through this, especially alone. I know you probably know this already, but please remember that your feelings are just as valid as theirs.

I understand why you would recoil from them. I used to think that loneliness will kill me, but with these kind of people around, maybe it's for the best. You don't have to answer if it's too personal, but do you have girl friends? You said that a lot of them are men, but I take not all? How's your relationship with them? Could they understand you a little better?

Like I said, if you need someone to vent, I'm willing to listen.

I have at least one girl friend at the moment. We're actually childhood friends and have been through a lot together. She's literally the only person (aside from you wonderful people) who understands and accepts my wish to ctb.

I have an approval/acceptance complex, if you will. So I always try to go out of my way to please everybody, not be a nuisance, etc. Even now I'm like that whenever I have to interact with people.

Not to mention, and here's the kicker: there's one friend in particular who I thanked, because he didn't tell me to get over my situation, at least to my face...he's the one who said that I need to "get the fuck over it" behind my back. I honestly wonder if my thanking him was a kick in the gut, or if he even felt bad. I doubt it.

I appreciate you guys taking the time to read my stupid, whiney, long posts. I know I shouldn't say that, but I just feel so hopeless about it all.

For what it's worth, depressed people's perceptions of the impact they have on their friends, family and loved ones is usually quite skewed by the illness. Odds are, your friends genuinely want to be there for you, and be around you despite your moods. It's unlikely that they would get sick of you and refuse to come near you.

That's not to say you might not choose to push them away if doing so would make it easier for you to suicide, whether easier practically or easier emotionally. But at least be clear in your mind if this is the reason you are doing so. Please don't underestimate their willingness and ability to be a strong support for you while you choose to stay around.

Unfortunately, every guy friend who has been checking in with me and talking with me about my situation has admitted to me--and others--that they wanted to get with me over the last 13 years. So it's not a skewed perception. They all know my ex too, and the situation, so they all just jumped the gun at the same time on "wanting to care for me."

Then, just like when I rejected their initial advances over the years, they get annoyed with me when I also don't agree with their thoughts and feelings about wanting me to stick around. They have all flat out said to each other that I'm wrong in my thinking, and have tried to formulate a plan to have me committed. We're all broke, though, so that's not going to happen, at least. Because I will sure as hell not foot the bill for being involuntary institutionalized.

I appreciate your insight, though. While there is some merit to it, there definitely is an underlying motive for these guys.

 

[Nolye]

I have at least one girl friend at the moment. We're actually childhood friends and have been through a lot together. She's literally the only person (aside from you wonderful people) who understands and accepts my wish to ctb.

I have an approval/acceptance complex, if you will. So I always try to go out of my way to please everybody, not be a nuisance, etc. Even now I'm like that whenever I have to interact with people.

Not to mention, and here's the kicker: there's one friend in particular who I thanked, because he didn't tell me to get over my situation, at least to my face...he's the one who said that I need to "get the fuck over it" behind my back. I honestly wonder if my thanking him was a kick in the gut, or if he even felt bad. I doubt it.

I appreciate you guys taking the time to read my stupid, whiney, long posts. I know I shouldn't say that, but I just feel so hopeless about it all.

I'm very happy you have at least one true friend you can rely on and who understands you! So even if everything goes bad, she can be by your side (and so will we, this forum is like family).

I totally understand what you mean with the "approval" complex. I'm a people pleaser, I have to make people happy, even if it doesn't make me happy. It's exhausting, you can loose yourself.

To be honest, screw that friend! You don't need that kind of behaviour in your life. Maybe getting away from them can help you with the toxicity of the situation. Concentrate on yourself first, you deserve it.

We are always here if you need us, no need to apologize. Besides, other people may see themselves in you, so you are helping them as well :]

 

[NekoNomNom]

I'm very happy you have at least one true friend you can rely on and who understands you! So even if everything goes bad, she can be by your side (and so will we, this forum is like family).

I totally understand what you mean with the "approval" complex. I'm a people pleaser, I have to make people happy, even if it doesn't make me happy. It's exhausting, you can loose yourself.

To be honest, screw that friend! You don't need that kind of behaviour in your life. Maybe getting away from them can help you with the toxicity of the situation. Concentrate on yourself first, you deserve it.

We are always here if you need us, no need to apologize. Besides, other people may see themselves in you, so you are helping them as well :]

It really is exhausting being a people pleaser. I guess I've been like that even when I was a small child. I've been putting everybody else before myself for so long, and when I finally decide to be selfish about something, I get told that I'm wrong for it. Sigh.

I honestly never thought that this person would do something like that, so I was very shocked and hurt when I read those messages. He isn't aware that I know, so I've simply been avoiding him. Because, as absurd as it is, even though I was hurt by it, I don't want to upset him by saying anything to him about it. Ridiculous, isn't it.

Thank you so much. I am feeling more boxed in than ever right now, and I've only been able to express these particular feelings on here, since I quite literally have nobody else I can go to about this. It is nice to be able to release it somewhere.

 

[Nolye]

It really is exhausting being a people pleaser. I guess I've been like that even when I was a small child. I've been putting everybody else before myself for so long, and when I finally decide to be selfish about something, I get told that I'm wrong for it. Sigh.

I honestly never thought that this person would do something like that, so I was very shocked and hurt when I read those messages. He isn't aware that I know, so I've simply been avoiding him. Because, as absurd as it is, even though I was hurt by it, I don't want to upset him by saying anything to him about it. Ridiculous, isn't it.

Thank you so much. I am feeling more boxed in than ever right now, and I've only been able to express these particular feelings on here, since I quite literally have nobody else I can go to about this. It is nice to be able to release it somewhere.

Oh, believe me, I know. People are like that all the time. Sometimes it feels like you just can't win. I think it's our curse, we give too much.

I'm sorry what he did hurt you, and trust me, how you feel it's not ridiculous at all. It's part of who we are. It's frustrating, though, I know, because he deserves nothing but a kick in the southern regions.

I obviously don't know you, but from what I've been reading, you seem like a nice, caring and gentle person. You deserve better than to be treated like that.

And you're welcome! Let it all out can only help you, or at least you can feel less alone. Also, feel free to PM me anytime you want, I kinda suck with advices, but I'm a good listener.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

My mom was physically abusive, over the years if I stood up for myself and brought it up, my dad's responses were always, "It wasn't that bad" and "Just get over it." He's really defensive, and really hateful toward me about it. If he accepts I was abused, he has to accept he didn't protect me as was his responsibility. Minimizing and blaming me for not getting over it protects him. He doesn't have to face anything about himself as long as I get shut down.

So I think what your guy friend said is about him and his shit, and he's trying to deflect so that he doesn't have to face something about himself and about what you experience.

You can call him on that shit. You can also accept that he's not likely to face his own stuff and is not capable of providing the support you need, and in fact will further victimize you when you're in need of support. That's my suspicion, anyway.

All these guys who want to rescue you but make you wrong would, imo, also abuse you if you ever allowed the intimacy they seek. They may or may not realize, but sounds like they want an opportunity for you to be under their control, not in a mutually supportive and emotionally rewarding relationship.

 

[NekoNomNom]

Oh, believe me, I know. People are like that all the time. Sometimes it feels like you just can't win. I think it's our curse, we give too much.

I'm sorry what he did hurt you, and trust me, how you feel it's not ridiculous at all. It's part of who we are. It's frustrating, though, I know, because he deserves nothing but a kick in the southern regions.

I obviously don't know you, but from what I've been reading, you seem like a nice, caring and gentle person. You deserve better than to be treated like that.

And you're welcome! Let it all out can only help you, or at least you can feel less alone. Also, feel free to PM me anytime you want, I kinda suck with advices, but I'm a good listener.

I realized that my response was super long, and so I'll take you up on PMing you.

My mom was physically abusive, over the years if I stood up for myself and brought it up, my dad's responses were always, "It wasn't that bad" and "Just get over it." He's really defensive, and really hateful toward me about it. If he accepts I was abused, he has to accept he didn't protect me as was his responsibility. Minimizing and blaming me for not getting over it protects him. He doesn't have to face anything about himself as long as I get shut down.

So I think what your guy friend said is about him and his shit, and he's trying to deflect so that he doesn't have to face something about himself and about what you experience.

You can call him on that shit. You can also accept that he's not likely to face his own stuff and is not capable of providing the support you need, and in fact will further victimize you when you're in need of support. That's my suspicion, anyway.

All these guys who want to rescue you but make you wrong would, imo, also abuse you if you ever allowed the intimacy they seek. They may or may not realize, but sounds like they want an opportunity for you to be under their control, not in a mutually supportive and emotionally rewarding relationship.

As a fellow survivor of parental abuse from not just one, but both parents, it hurts my heart to read what you have gone through. Gaslighting from your own parent is the absolute worst. My grandparents used to do the same thing to my sister and I. "Just go to your room and ignore your mom until she calms down. You'll be okay. It's not that bad." Eventually we just stopped calling them for help. Both of my parents also live in denial when it comes to their abusive tendencies. They have a scapegoat for everything, and nothing is ever their fault. It's depressing to be made to take the blame for everything.

It's true that he went through a rough break up himself, and with someone I've known since middle school, no less. However, he's moved past it like it's nothing. That's great for him. I was happy and supportive of him whenever he ventured into a new relationship. But he just doesn't understand that I'm not like that, nor do I wish to be.

At this point I just find it easier to avoid him, rather than confront him. I have zero energy for anything other than making it through work and coming back to my bed. Rinse and repeat for the last two months. Not only that, I've never been one for confrontation. As a result, I've always let people walk all over me because again, I try so hard to be a people pleaser. I am terrified when people take issue with me, or if I feel I'm doing something wrong. Even if people hurt me, I still place the blame on myself so they don't feel that they did any harm. Ugh. Typing it out makes me feel more pathetic than I initially thought...

I have never given them any inclination that I was interested in them. They all just tried at some point and were rejected. Some of them kept trying, which is aggravating, because at that point it's just super awkward to interact with them. Which ties in to my anxiety of being disliked, and feeling that I'm to blame for when things go wrong.

 

[Nolye]

I realized that my response was super long, and so I'll take you up on PMing you.

I'll be happy to lend an ear! And don't worry about the length of your posts, please, my responses are usually not exactly short either.