Rounded Apathy
Longing to return to stardust
- Aug 8, 2022
- 772
(This is sort of a follow up to a previous thread of mine, sort of late-night rambling.)
I connected with someone on this site that exists as a platform for people to find others for platonic cuddle buddies and we met up today. It was in public, for everyone's safety's sake, and it wasn't a bad time. We didn't really "cuddle", just sat pretty close together as you would with someone you actually knew and hadn't just met and knew basically nothing about. It was okay. Except they were so talkative. With my brain the way it is these days, I have very limited processing power most of the time, and it was so draining. I participated in the conversation too but felt I had to as it's paradoxically less draining than just listening. It wasn't restorative, wasn't the experience I have been missing but that's only part of what bugged me.
I was feeling this at the time but as I was heading home, I just felt like ass because it's so representative of the disease that living is. We want this very one particular thing (in my case tender human contact, but in SPECIFICALLY SUCH A WAY) and it is almost worse when you almost get it but something isn't quite right. You either chase the dragon forever/give up/die, but if and when you finally do catch up to it...it never satisfies. You feel good/accomplished/whatever for a while, then you either lose that sense and want/need/automatically start the chase anew.
Even something as simple as hunger: no matter how much you ate, it would never keep you full for the rest of your life...well, unless you ate yourself to death which is a thing. But that's funny, isn't it? The ultimate satisfaction - leads to death. The same can happen with even water. "The dose makes the poison", they say. Did you know that word and "potion" used to be the same? To live is to constantly just be meeting our needs enough for now; too far in excess and we never need it - or anything - ever again.
To be unsatisfied is to be alive. To be satisfied is to cease to live.
I connected with someone on this site that exists as a platform for people to find others for platonic cuddle buddies and we met up today. It was in public, for everyone's safety's sake, and it wasn't a bad time. We didn't really "cuddle", just sat pretty close together as you would with someone you actually knew and hadn't just met and knew basically nothing about. It was okay. Except they were so talkative. With my brain the way it is these days, I have very limited processing power most of the time, and it was so draining. I participated in the conversation too but felt I had to as it's paradoxically less draining than just listening. It wasn't restorative, wasn't the experience I have been missing but that's only part of what bugged me.
I was feeling this at the time but as I was heading home, I just felt like ass because it's so representative of the disease that living is. We want this very one particular thing (in my case tender human contact, but in SPECIFICALLY SUCH A WAY) and it is almost worse when you almost get it but something isn't quite right. You either chase the dragon forever/give up/die, but if and when you finally do catch up to it...it never satisfies. You feel good/accomplished/whatever for a while, then you either lose that sense and want/need/automatically start the chase anew.
Even something as simple as hunger: no matter how much you ate, it would never keep you full for the rest of your life...well, unless you ate yourself to death which is a thing. But that's funny, isn't it? The ultimate satisfaction - leads to death. The same can happen with even water. "The dose makes the poison", they say. Did you know that word and "potion" used to be the same? To live is to constantly just be meeting our needs enough for now; too far in excess and we never need it - or anything - ever again.
To be unsatisfied is to be alive. To be satisfied is to cease to live.
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