Discussion To anyone that intensely hates themselves

[drseuss]

Does it ever get better? If it does, what has helped you? I have almost constant thoughts telling me that I can't do something, that I am incapable, worthless, etc. I worry this will impede my ability to gain gainful employment, and I tend to give up before I even start/try.

I don't know how to handle all of these intrusive thoughts.

 

[natali4]

I have bad anxiety and I get similar intrusive thoughts. Not much has helped me but I've started to remove myself from situations/people/places that I know for sure amplify those feelings.

 

[UnravelingWinter]

It helps me to think that I've only ever acted and made choices based on what I believed or the knowledge I had at the time. You can't blame yourself for that. That's what everyone's always doing. We're always only making decisions from what we know, think, or believe.

If someone else were in your shoes and only knew what you knew, if they had every fear and worry that you had, how would they behave? They probably wouldn't do much better.

Recognizing that has helped me a lot with feeling better about who I am and my choices.

 

[ColorlessTrees]

I used to hate myself more than words could ever describe. Most commonly it seems related to mental illness, but personally it's because of my failures. I do a lot of self reflection and gradually have worked on myself. I'm not functional or normal, but I have a decent head on my shoulders and I recognize that now. That is how I got to a point of more self neutrality; I still hate myself some days for my lack of achievement, but I still have a lot of empathy to give, and that is invaluable.

You can't say you have no good traits, because that's objectively false. Even the worst person has something going for them, because everything is part of a whole. No one is hateable, so by default you're average. Most people are mediocre, and there's nothing wrong with that. Self neutrality is the way to go; it's a good starting point if nothing else. Seeing things this way worked for me because I like to rationalize everything with "facts". Even though this is an abstract and subjective topic, these things are generally true.

Remember that your thoughts don't control you, too. You're capable of making the decisions for yourself, and when you start something new you're not going to be a god at it. It doesn't mean you're incompetent, just that you need practice. And I'm a massive hypocrite here because I berate myself all day about this.

 

[Quiet Desperation]

I was lurking in chat and heard a little bit of your story. Sorry to hear you are going through all that. You might be interested to read up about learned helplessness. I'm not saying it's a solution to all your challenges, but it might give you some perspective on how the people around you may have influenced your beliefs about yourself and what you might be able to do to push back against that feeling of giving up before you even try.

When people abuse you or manipulate you or if your family denies you agency over your own life, you can start to feel powerless to change things and might even seek out more of the same because it has become familiar. It can be a tough cycle to break. I hope you find a way through.

 

[come to dust]

I hate my body (because I'm ugly and ill) but not myself. I also hate society and humanity. I realised that I'm not the problem, it's the situations and circumstances I can't cope with.

 

[FatalSystemError591]

What therapy calls the "inner critic" is super intrusive and permeates through everything. What I have been trying to do is separate the inner critic from my actual thoughts.

For example, when it tells me I am not good enough, that was told to me by my stepmom. And so I address it as such. "This is not my voice, this is my stepmom's. My stepmom was my greatest abuser. What she said was a projection of her own insecurities. I do not need to listen to a voice that isn't my own that only wanted to harm a child."

 

[WhiteDespair]

Yes. It does get better. But, you do need to work at it.

as @FatalSystemError591 stated, you'd need to recognize the thoughts and counter them in the moment.

when I had to realize that when people smile at me, it doesn't mean they're out to get me or trying to manipulate me into doing stuff. this required me to say to myself "ok, he's smiling at me because I said something funny." in order to counteract the thoughts.

it is possible.

 

[Foresight]

I started doing what I love and exploring the joys no one can take away from me. I started working from home and avoiding people more. Most people are toxic to me. I surround myself with loving people.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I've reached the point where my non-self hating thoughts are actually the intrusive ones. I deserve all the hate I give to myself though mainly because I'm the cause of all my own misery. I guess this isn't very helpful but at least I can feel better about it now.

 

[Ringo]

Why wouldn't I hate myself? Because of me my best friend died, it's my fault.

 

[CleverMoniker]

I hated myself when I was younger, but I have gotten to a place where I normally feel pretty neutral about myself.

A while back, I realized I was hurting the people I care about by abusing myself. Since then, I have tried to treat myself as if I were someone that I love, and I miraculously started feeling better about myself after a year or two.

 

[Celerity]

One thing that helps me in the moment is to remember times when I persevered and things got better despite my overwhelming pessimism at the time. Even without a lot of thought or planning, you will tend to improve with something the more you do it. I also think about what the real consequences actually are for me not being as good at something as I would like to be. 99% of the time, the stakes are way, way lower than my anxiety would have me believe. My father is a very damaged, controlling, and critical person. This is why I developed the tendency to react to my mistakes and shortcomings way out proportion to their severity. I wonder if this may be the same for you.