molinism
Vivaldi's Opus 8, No. 3, in F Major, Final Allegro
- Oct 1, 2023
- 3
I'm tired dude. I'm a loser, I can't do anything to better myself it seems. I send out 100+ job applications and get no responses. I'm still doing grade 10 math in grade 12. I don't leave the house. I have no friends. I try to get mental health support and nothing comes of it. I have no family. I'm unathletic, I am terrible at all sports I try and never improve no matter how hard I try. I want to go to university but I don't think I'm smart enough. I don't know how to study well as I never learned. I want to go to paramedic school and help people but I don't think I'll ever make entry requirements, and if I got in I don't think I'd do well. I live in foster care. I've got a year and a half until I have to move out. I have no savings. I'm finally getting a tutor but I don't want to waste their time. I feel bad for the person who takes care of me because he wants me to do well and succeed, but I don't do anything to succeed. I'm not a good person, I've hurt every person I've dated. I hurt people I make friends with. I cut my family out because they're dead to me. My father is a drug addict, my mother is a narcissist who only wanted me as her trophy child. I used to be a borderline child prodigy, I had straight A's until grade 10 and then I just couldn't keep up. The only things I was good at I hit a wall and then I just start getting worse. I constantly have to stop myself from lashing out physically at my caretaker even though he didn't do anything wrong. I avoid social interactions like the plague. I can't ever stop thinking about hurting other people, and I know if I had the chance I would. I have nothing left to lose, and I want to go out with a bang. I have been on a bunch of different medications over the past few years but nothing helps. The SSRI I tried in the past didn't work, and the one I'm on now doesn't either. I'm far behind anyone my age. I'm an embarrassment to everyone around me. I look like a pig. I sound like a pig. I stutter. I'm emotionally unavailable. I've killed most of the pets I had when I was young on purpose and enjoyed it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I thought it might be bpd but it's not. I keep being told I'm young and I've got my whole life ahead of me but I don't want my life. I don't want this anymore. I never have had anything to be proud of, or anyone be genuinely proud of me. I'm a vindictive, manipulative, narcissistic piece of shit. I've tried getting past my depression and I've tried getting better and doing better but for every two steps that I take forward I take four steps back. I should be happy with have I have, and I should be grateful to be alive and for having the life I had but I'm not. I didn't want any of this. I wanted parents who treated me like a person. I wanted to be someone who helps people not hurts them but I didn't do better no matter how hard I tried. I was supposed to be a doctor and a capable person, and what I am now is just a self-pitying piece of shit. I never cried over my actions in the past, I learned not to cry as a child, but yet the only tears I shed in the past 8 years were today when I was writing this. It's pitiful, that the only time I cared enough to cry was when I was writing an essay about myself. I'm more than capable of killing myself, I had been stockpiling my medications for a few months now, and if I was too much of a coward to jump off a bridge I planned to steal some cough syrup so I wouldn't throw up and take all the medication. I don't really know why I'm posting online but I guess I want to either have some form of mark on the earth after I leave or in case I changed my mind. I did not write a physical letter as I didn't care enough, and the caretaker doesn't need to read it, nor anyone in my life. I also know whatever I wrote would be sent to my biological mother and father and they don't deserve to know why. I do have this copied on my phone as I'm on a bus writing this, and have a while before I get where I'm going. I also do want to apologize for sending this here, but you have no reason to be upset because you didn't know me. I posted here before when I was unsure, but now I'm nearly 100% confident in the decision I'm going to make. Thanks guys, I wish I could say it was a good run.
