Venting Tired

[Amidaa]

Hehe, how long has it been that i have heard those words "are you oke ? like really ?" i don't really know how i have been feeling, really rought and tired of everything i guess. i'm not really good at telling people how i really feel, i think because of how i was raised up my mom who i never see in my younger time because she is working late every day and my stepdad who i just see in the morning and a few hours in the eve before i go to bedge. both of them where there but yet it feel like they where never there spent my time almost always alone since i was a lil kid the only time now that i'm not alone is for work. and if stuff start to feel really like shitty and i just want to cry i always remember what my mom told me that we are not allow to cry nor to show sad emotions because you are a man gotta man up you gotta keep it in and move on you gotta be strong. how ironic now she start to get older she is the one who need a lot of emotional help and comfort. and my stepdad i dunno whats with him he always seem stressed but yet he still keep driving and with his other situation not everything is going smootly for him as well but he is a good guy and deserve a happy ending where he can have peace. even if his path is different then mine. a lot happened with our old "happy family". guess we all got separated because of my mom, some how my stepdad who is now divorce with her and has now a new gf. i feel like he has forgiven her and he even told me she drinks less and is starting to get better even thou he know that she wont change much she is hard headed, i know because sadly i'm like that, like her but i still can be open for new things. but he want me to forgive her and go back because of some stuff i told him i want to do but can't because financially she can't even take care for her self now. and my stepdad with his situation he can not help me either but he is trying, i don't want that i don't want to be a shitty low life burden on him nor other people. i will not forgive my mom or respect her after all she fudge up like many times already i have forgot and forgive her 3 times already now. there are limits of how many time you can forgive and say sorry that has still true meaning to it. i just can't, i still see her but i don't feel anything for her no love no hate just pitty i guess i'm still mad. why in the hell did she want a child if her situation is not stable or for any fudging human in general why the hell do you bring someone to this hell hole of a world even thou you are not doing fine yourself!!! now most of the people just suffering miserably wanting a way out that is just peacefull and painless haven't we suffered enough but there are none. i wish i can be like my stepdad being naive or delusional thinking everything gonna be fine and stuff get better by time but it won't just start to realise that please i beg you. i have been hoping for that like since is was little, even if it seems stuff gets better for a brief moment reality will just hit you like that. so yaahh i guess i'm doing pretty fine hahaha.

Sorry for my shitty english and to bother anyone sorry to waste your time and be a burden i just want to get stuff out never had a place to do that or felt to do so.
May we escape this suffering one day.