Venting Tired of people looking at me weirdly and being treated like shit

[Ghost_fairytale]

I'm an 18 years old girl with very wide shoulders and coarse facial hair and I hate it when people look at me on the streets because they can't tell what sex I am... I have to shave basically every day and even then there's still some shadow left.

I cover it up with foundation and a color corrector, but still, it's ever so slightly noticeable. My face is also just masc in general all that wasn't enough.My country is bigoted and women who don't fit the norm get assaulted pretty often.I try to stay away from dangerous neighbourhoods, but even the good ones have their problems. I could get assaulted anytime and that thought terrifies me. I'm constantly paranoid and I hate this shitfest of a country for making me feel this way.

I also have poor confidence in myself because of how ugly and alone I feel. I'm very far away from the standard of beauty and this fact was made very clear to me by how harshly I was bullied almost all my life.

And well, because of my low self esteem, I'm not great at making friends.

Other girls don't really like hanging around me and they treat me like a dude(I dress pretty masc since I'm ashamed of being girly in public... Most likely a factor).And guys hate my guts lol. do have friends tho and I care for them, but not enough to stay alive unfortunately.

Other than my appearance, my parents are emotionally abusive to me to the point where I genuinely consider moving in with someone. I cant do that tho bcz most of my friends are broke and my parents pay for college... i also am pretty much incapable of getting a job since I probably have autism and my parents wont acknowledge it. Wouldn't have time for work anyway, my college takes up every day of the week and I don't want to ruin my weekend by working... I'd def go insane if that happened.

I have no safe place... Outside I'm afraid for my life, inside i'm being abused... And when I hang out at a friend's house I still don't feel safe because eventually I know I have to return home...

College really sucks and so far I've made no friends. I have no partner for my Literature project and I don't know if I'm allowed to present the project on my own so I'm probably gonna fail... Honestly, this whole project thing is what prompted me to write this post. It's like the cherry on top of horrible, unfair things that are constantly happening. The girl I was supposed to partner up with ditched me last second and it made me think of how disposable I am to people. I don't know if it is because I'm ugly or there's just something unlikeable abt me, something as unexplainable as it is constant that simply ticks people off.

In a way, I hope it's the latter, since I don't want to believe in a world so devastatingly malicious that one could be so greatly alienated by others just on the basis of physical appearance...
I guess it doesn't matter anyhow. The pain I'm experiencing is caused by something out of my control and I don't deserve it, netheir am I putting up with it anymore. I just need to decide on a method to use... Either hanging or shallow water blackout.

I wanted to buy SN and CTB with a friend, but it's hard to get and I haven't found a reliable source. We were supposed to do it at their place while their parents were away, but it's too late now. Well, their parents are away pretty often so there are gonna be other opportunities, but I feel guilty. I came up with the idea of us CTB-ing together and while they agreed, they honestly have their whole life ahead and aren't as much of a burden and socially anxious mess as I am. So I'm gonna do it alone and pass off my CTB suggestion as a joke.

Are my methods okay? I don't have access to any other method really and from what I've read, they aren't the best ones. But I hope I can make them work...
Yeah, hope is all I've left.

 

[makethepainstop]

People can just be so damn mean and inconsiderate. Seems no matter where we live someone is always gonna be hurtful.

 

[quietam pacem12]

Ich bin ein 18-jähriges Mädchen mit sehr breiten Schultern und grobem Gesichtshaar und ich hasse es, wenn Leute mich auf der Straße ansehen, weil sie nicht erkennen können, welches Geschlecht ich habe ... Ich muss mich im Grunde jeden Tag rasieren und sogar dann bleibt noch etwas Schatten übrig.

Ich decke es mit Foundation und einem Farbkorrektor ab, aber es ist immer noch so leicht wahrnehmbar. Mein Gesicht ist im Allgemeinen auch nur maskenhaft, all das war nicht genug. Mein Land ist bigott und Frauen, die nicht der Norm entsprechen, werden ziemlich oft angegriffen. Ich versuche, mich von gefährlichen Vierteln fernzuhalten, aber auch die Guten haben ihre Probleme . Ich könnte jederzeit angegriffen werden und dieser Gedanke macht mir Angst. Ich bin ständig paranoid und ich hasse dieses beschissene Land, weil es mich so fühlen lässt.

Ich habe auch ein geringes Selbstvertrauen, weil ich mich so hässlich und allein fühle. Vom Schönheitsideal bin ich sehr weit entfernt und diese Tatsache wurde mir dadurch sehr deutlich, wie hart ich fast mein ganzes Leben lang gemobbt wurde.

Und nun ja, wegen meines geringen Selbstwertgefühls bin ich nicht gut darin, Freunde zu finden.

Andere Mädchen hängen nicht wirklich gerne mit mir zusammen und behandeln mich wie einen Typen (ich ziehe mich ziemlich maskenhaft an, weil ich mich dafür schäme, in der Öffentlichkeit mädchenhaft zu sein ... Höchstwahrscheinlich ein Faktor). Und Jungs hassen meine Eingeweide, lol. Ich habe zwar Freunde und ich kümmere mich um sie, aber leider nicht genug, um am Leben zu bleiben.

Abgesehen von meinem Aussehen misshandeln mich meine Eltern emotional bis zu dem Punkt, an dem ich ernsthaft darüber nachdenke, mit jemandem zusammenzuziehen. Ich kann das nicht tun, obwohl die meisten meiner Freunde pleite sind und meine Eltern für das College bezahlen ... Ich bin auch ziemlich unfähig, einen Job zu bekommen, da ich wahrscheinlich Autismus habe und meine Eltern es nicht anerkennen. Hätte sowieso keine Zeit für die Arbeit, mein College nimmt jeden Tag der Woche in Anspruch und ich möchte mein Wochenende nicht durch Arbeiten ruinieren ... Ich würde auf jeden Fall verrückt werden, wenn das passieren würde.

Ich habe keinen sicheren Ort ... Draußen habe ich Angst um mein Leben, drinnen werde ich missbraucht ... Und wenn ich bei einem Freund rumhänge, fühle ich mich immer noch nicht sicher, weil ich schließlich weiß, dass ich zurückkehren muss Heimat...

Das College ist wirklich scheiße und bisher habe ich keine Freunde gefunden. Ich habe keinen Partner für mein Literaturprojekt und ich weiß nicht, ob ich das Projekt alleine präsentieren darf, also werde ich wahrscheinlich scheitern ... Ehrlich gesagt, diese ganze Projektsache hat mich dazu veranlasst, diesen Beitrag zu schreiben . Es ist wie das Sahnehäubchen auf schreckliche, unfaire Dinge, die ständig passieren. Das Mädchen, mit dem ich zusammenarbeiten sollte, hat mich in letzter Sekunde sitzen gelassen und es hat mich daran erinnert, wie verfügbar ich für Menschen bin. Ich weiß nicht, ob es daran liegt, dass ich hässlich bin oder einfach etwas Unerfreuliches an mir ist, etwas so Unerklärliches wie Beständiges, das die Leute einfach auf die Palme bringt.

In gewisser Weise hoffe ich, dass es letzteres ist, da ich nicht an eine Welt glauben möchte, die so verheerend bösartig ist, dass man sich von anderen nur aufgrund der körperlichen Erscheinung so stark entfremden könnte ...
Ich denke, es spielt sowieso keine Rolle. Der Schmerz, den ich erlebe, wird durch etwas verursacht, das sich meiner Kontrolle entzieht, und ich verdiene es nicht, und ich ertrage es nicht mehr. Ich muss mich nur für eine Methode entscheiden, die ich verwenden möchte ... Entweder hängend oder Flachwasser-Blackout.

Ich wollte SN und CTB mit einem Freund kaufen, aber es ist schwer zu bekommen und ich habe keine Quelle gefunden. Wir sollten es bei ihnen zu Hause machen, während ihre Eltern weg waren, aber jetzt ist es zu spät. Nun, ihre Eltern sind ziemlich oft weg, also wird es andere Gelegenheiten geben, aber ich fühle mich schuldig. Ich kam auf die Idee, dass wir zusammen CTB-ingen, und obwohl sie sich einig waren, haben sie ehrlich gesagt ihr ganzes Leben vor sich und sind nicht so eine letzte und ein sozial ängstliches Durcheinander wie ich. Also werde ich es alleine machen und meinen CTB-Vorschlag als Witz ausgeben.

Sind meine Methoden in Ordnung? Ich habe wirklich keinen Zugang zu anderen Methoden und nach dem, was ich gelesen habe, sind sie nicht die besten. Aber ich hoffe, dass ich sie zum Laufen bringen kann...
Ja, Hoffnung ist alles, was ich noch habe.

Das tut mir so leid, dass du mit 18 schon so eine scheiße erlebst. Die Menschen sind leider richtige Arschlöcher. Ich bin da absolut bei dir.
Es gibt aber sicher MMenschen, die dir da raus helfen. Eine Lösung, die es dir ermöglicht, an einem Ort zu wohnen, der dir Halt gibt. Du hast alles noch vor dir. Und du scheinst nicht gerade dumm zu sein und kannst sicher viel erreichen. Es gibt Stellen, wo du hingehen kannst und Verständnis findest.
Ich bin kein Moralapostel. Ich will auch nicht mehr. Ich bin aber 30 Jahre älter. Du hast ganz sicher gute Chancen. Die Menschen sterben dir helfen can, wirst du dich erinnern, haben Herz und Verstand.
Meine Tochter wäre im Februar 15 geworden. Sie war krank.

Es bricht mir das Herz, dass du so leidest. Wenn du Fragen oder anderes auf dem Herzen, schreib.

Das tut mir so leid, dass du mit 18 schon so eine scheiße erlebst. Die Menschen sind leider richtige Arschlöcher. Ich bin da absolut bei dir.
Es gibt aber sicher MMenschen, die dir da raus helfen. Eine Lösung, die es dir ermöglicht, an einem Ort zu wohnen, der dir Halt gibt. Du hast alles noch vor dir. Und du scheinst nicht gerade dumm zu sein und kannst sicher viel erreichen. Es gibt Stellen, wo du hingehen kannst und Verständnis findest.
Ich bin kein Moralapostel. Ich will auch nicht mehr. Ich bin aber 30 Jahre älter. Du hast ganz sicher gute Chancen. Die Menschen sterben dir helfen can, wirst du dich erinnern, haben Herz und Verstand.
Meine Tochter wäre im Februar 15 geworden. Sie war krank.

Es bricht mir das Herz, dass du so leidest. Wenn du Fragen oder anderes auf dem Herzen, schreib.

Ich meinte, die Menschen sterben dir helfen können, haben Herz und Verstand.

Das tut mir so leid, dass du mit 18 schon so eine scheiße erlebst. Die Menschen sind leider richtige Arschlöcher. Ich bin da absolut bei dir.
Es gibt aber sicher MMenschen, die dir da raus helfen. Eine Lösung, die es dir ermöglicht, an einem Ort zu wohnen, der dir Halt gibt. Du hast alles noch vor dir. Und du scheinst nicht gerade dumm zu sein und kannst sicher viel erreichen. Es gibt Stellen, wo du hingehen kannst und Verständnis findest.
Ich bin kein Moralapostel. Ich will auch nicht mehr. Ich bin aber 30 Jahre älter. Du hast ganz sicher gute Chancen. Die Menschen sterben dir helfen can, wirst du dich erinnern, haben Herz und Verstand.
Meine Tochter wäre im Februar 15 geworden. Sie war krank.

Es bricht mir das Herz, dass du so leidest. Wenn du Fragen oder anderes auf dem Herzen, schreib.

Ich meinte, die Menschen sterben dir helfen können, haben Herz und Verstand.

Entschuldige bitte...die Menschen die dir helfen können...

I'm an 18 years old girl with very wide shoulders and coarse facial hair and I hate it when people look at me on the streets because they can't tell what sex I am... I have to shave basically every day and even then there's still some shadow left.

I cover it up with foundation and a color corrector, but still, it's ever so slightly noticeable. My face is also just masc in general all that wasn't enough.My country is bigoted and women who don't fit the norm get assaulted pretty often.I try to stay away from dangerous neighbourhoods, but even the good ones have their problems. I could get assaulted anytime and that thought terrifies me. I'm constantly paranoid and I hate this shitfest of a country for making me feel this way.

I also have poor confidence in myself because of how ugly and alone I feel. I'm very far away from the standard of beauty and this fact was made very clear to me by how harshly I was bullied almost all my life.

And well, because of my low self esteem, I'm not great at making friends.

Other girls don't really like hanging around me and they treat me like a dude(I dress pretty masc since I'm ashamed of being girly in public... Most likely a factor).And guys hate my guts lol. do have friends tho and I care for them, but not enough to stay alive unfortunately.

Other than my appearance, my parents are emotionally abusive to me to the point where I genuinely consider moving in with someone. I cant do that tho bcz most of my friends are broke and my parents pay for college... i also am pretty much incapable of getting a job since I probably have autism and my parents wont acknowledge it. Wouldn't have time for work anyway, my college takes up every day of the week and I don't want to ruin my weekend by working... I'd def go insane if that happened.

I have no safe place... Outside I'm afraid for my life, inside i'm being abused... And when I hang out at a friend's house I still don't feel safe because eventually I know I have to return home...

College really sucks and so far I've made no friends. I have no partner for my Literature project and I don't know if I'm allowed to present the project on my own so I'm probably gonna fail... Honestly, this whole project thing is what prompted me to write this post. It's like the cherry on top of horrible, unfair things that are constantly happening. The girl I was supposed to partner up with ditched me last second and it made me think of how disposable I am to people. I don't know if it is because I'm ugly or there's just something unlikeable abt me, something as unexplainable as it is constant that simply ticks people off.

In gewisser Weise hoffe ich, dass es letzteres ist, da ich nicht an eine Welt glauben möchte, die so verheerend bösartig ist, dass man sich von anderen nur aufgrund der körperlichen Erscheinung so stark entfremden könnte ...
Ich denke, es spielt sowieso keine Rolle. Der Schmerz, den ich erlebe, wird durch etwas verursacht, das sich meiner Kontrolle entzieht, und ich verdiene es nicht, und ich ertrage es nicht mehr. Ich muss mich nur für eine Methode entscheiden, die ich verwenden möchte ... Entweder hängend oder Flachwasser-Blackout.

Ich wollte SN und CTB mit einem Freund kaufen, aber es ist schwer zu bekommen und ich habe keine zuverlässige Quelle gefunden. Wir sollten es bei ihnen zu Hause machen, während ihre Eltern weg waren, aber jetzt ist es zu spät. Nun, ihre Eltern sind ziemlich oft weg, also wird es andere Gelegenheiten geben, aber ich fühle mich schuldig. Ich kam auf die Idee, dass wir zusammen CTB-ingen, und obwohl sie sich einig waren, haben sie ehrlich gesagt ihr ganzes Leben vor sich und sind nicht so eine Last und ein sozial ängstliches Durcheinander wie ich. Also werde ich es alleine machen und meinen CTB-Vorschlag als Witz ausgeben.

Sind meine Methoden in Ordnung? Ich habe wirklich keinen Zugang zu anderen Methoden und nach dem, was ich gelesen habe, sind sie nicht die besten. Aber ich hoffe, dass ich sie zum Laufen bringen kann...
Ja, Hoffnung ist alles, was ich noch habe.

Da bekommt man richtig Aggressionen, wie scheiße und egoistisch die Welt inzwischen ist. Alles was nicht in die Norm passt, wird einfach platt gemacht. Ohne Rücksicht. Es ist zum kotzen.
Ich habe z.b nicht viele Freunde. Es langen auch 2 oder so. Aber bei diesen Menschen kannst du sein wie du bist. Hast Halt.
Und heutzutage ist der Satz wenn man jemanden trifft...na wie geht's...ein blödes hallo. es gibt sie aber noch. Menschen mit Herz und Verstand. Auch für dich

 

[FuneralCry]

Hanging and shallow water blackout are methods that I've been thinking about a lot. They both sound horrible and difficult to me, but of course so many have succeeded with ctb by hanging. I envy them as they cannot suffer anymore.
But some people really can be so cruel and to me it's awful how others can just create more suffering and make things worse than they already are. The truth is that life is just too unfair, in a world like this way too much unnecessary pain exists. I wish you the best.

 

[CTB Dream]

This all human see out look not think in no empathy sorry real happen this , also cruelty life thing it all many problem cause suffer

 

[makethepainstop]

This all human see out look not think in no empathy sorry real happen this , also cruelty life thing it all many problem cause suffer

Your sure right on that some people,(I believe), just live to hurt others. I like to sharpen my tongue first before having an encounter with such people.

 

[Thefuture]

I really relate. My hormones fucked up my life so badly. I remember being in high school and having a lot of hair growth. It made me obsessive and insecure. Developed BDD. Beame a recluse. Made me question what it means to be a woman. Why I had this issue and other girls didn't. It's weird, I don't care about hair as much now. But it ruined my life when I was younger. And now I suffer from past choices. I hypothesized that we experience anxiety ten fold to normal people with anxiety distoders. Because our hormones and adrenal glands are so out of whack.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

This world and its people can certainly be cruel. Maybe this isn't what you're looking for, but is there any way you can get your facial hair taken care of by means of electrolysis or something. If it bothers you as much as it sounds like it does, that could be a good first start. I'm not saying you should have to do anything to stop being treated so cruelly by others, but the world we live in is the world we live in. Maybe it could help a bit with your self esteem, too, and you'd be more apt to make some friends.

 

[Ghost_fairytale]

This world and its people can certainly be cruel. Maybe this isn't what you're looking for, but is there any way you can get your facial hair taken care of by means of electrolysis or something. If it bothers you as much as it sounds like it does, that could be a good first start. I'm not saying you should have to do anything to stop being treated so cruelly by others, but the world we live in is the world we live in. Maybe it could help a bit with your self esteem, too, and you'd be more apt to make some friends.

I wanted to get laser hair removal but it's expensive and my parents don't want to pay for it :/ they dont even wanna take me to the doctor to check my hormone levels lmao
Thank you for the kind advice tho, I appreciate it <3

I really relate. My hormones fucked up my life so badly. I remember being in high school and having a lot of hair growth. It made me obsessive and insecure. Developed BDD. Beame a recluse. Made me question what it means to be a woman. Why I had this issue and other girls didn't. It's weird, I don't care about hair as much now. But it ruined my life when I was younger. And now I suffer from past choices. I hypothesized that we experience anxiety ten fold to normal people with anxiety distoders. Because our hormones and adrenal glands are so out of whack.

Im so sorry you had to go through that. It's fucked up that we have to suffer like this because we don't fit the bill of what being a woman is :/ but I'm glad that it doesn't bother you that much anymore

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. I have this issue too. I actually think it's more common than we think- it's just it's so embarrassing, many people don't want to admit it.

I have to shave every day. Also relate to you on the broad shoulder thing. I've been mistaken for a guy a few times too. That's frightening about the worry of violence where you live though. You're open to verbal abuse here but I can't say I've feared physical assault- that's terrifying.

Wondered if I had polycystic ovaries- that can affect facial hair growth apparently but I don't. Have you ever looked into this?

I aso considered laser treatment but agree- it's very expensive.

I'm more or less a recluse now, so it doesn't play on my mind so much but I really feel for you and I'm sorry. I really wish I could say something to help but all I can do is show solidarity. I hope things work out for you- whatever decision you make.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I wanted to get laser hair removal but it's expensive and my parents don't want to pay for it :/ they dont even wanna take me to the doctor to check my hormone levels lmao
Thank you for the kind advice tho, I appreciate it <3

Are you old enough to get a job and save for it yourself?

 

[PressEnterToExit]

I'm an 18 years old girl with very wide shoulders and coarse facial hair and I hate it when people look at me on the streets because they can't tell what sex I am... I have to shave basically every day and even then there's still some shadow left.

I cover it up with foundation and a color corrector, but still, it's ever so slightly noticeable. My face is also just masc in general all that wasn't enough.My country is bigoted and women who don't fit the norm get assaulted pretty often.I try to stay away from dangerous neighbourhoods, but even the good ones have their problems. I could get assaulted anytime and that thought terrifies me. I'm constantly paranoid and I hate this shitfest of a country for making me feel this way.

I also have poor confidence in myself because of how ugly and alone I feel. I'm very far away from the standard of beauty and this fact was made very clear to me by how harshly I was bullied almost all my life.

And well, because of my low self esteem, I'm not great at making friends.

Other girls don't really like hanging around me and they treat me like a dude(I dress pretty masc since I'm ashamed of being girly in public... Most likely a factor).And guys hate my guts lol. do have friends tho and I care for them, but not enough to stay alive unfortunately.

Other than my appearance, my parents are emotionally abusive to me to the point where I genuinely consider moving in with someone. I cant do that tho bcz most of my friends are broke and my parents pay for college... i also am pretty much incapable of getting a job since I probably have autism and my parents wont acknowledge it. Wouldn't have time for work anyway, my college takes up every day of the week and I don't want to ruin my weekend by working... I'd def go insane if that happened.

I have no safe place... Outside I'm afraid for my life, inside i'm being abused... And when I hang out at a friend's house I still don't feel safe because eventually I know I have to return home...

College really sucks and so far I've made no friends. I have no partner for my Literature project and I don't know if I'm allowed to present the project on my own so I'm probably gonna fail... Honestly, this whole project thing is what prompted me to write this post. It's like the cherry on top of horrible, unfair things that are constantly happening. The girl I was supposed to partner up with ditched me last second and it made me think of how disposable I am to people. I don't know if it is because I'm ugly or there's just something unlikeable abt me, something as unexplainable as it is constant that simply ticks people off.

In a way, I hope it's the latter, since I don't want to believe in a world so devastatingly malicious that one could be so greatly alienated by others just on the basis of physical appearance...
I guess it doesn't matter anyhow. The pain I'm experiencing is caused by something out of my control and I don't deserve it, netheir am I putting up with it anymore. I just need to decide on a method to use... Either hanging or shallow water blackout.

I wanted to buy SN and CTB with a friend, but it's hard to get and I haven't found a reliable source. We were supposed to do it at their place while their parents were away, but it's too late now. Well, their parents are away pretty often so there are gonna be other opportunities, but I feel guilty. I came up with the idea of us CTB-ing together and while they agreed, they honestly have their whole life ahead and aren't as much of a burden and socially anxious mess as I am. So I'm gonna do it alone and pass off my CTB suggestion as a joke.

Are my methods okay? I don't have access to any other method really and from what I've read, they aren't the best ones. But I hope I can make them work...
Yeah, hope is all I've left.

Hi. I think understand how you feel somehow. You shouldn't be so concerned about your appearance, the key is to act l

I'm an 18 years old girl with very wide shoulders and coarse facial hair and I hate it when people look at me on the streets because they can't tell what sex I am... I have to shave basically every day and even then there's still some shadow left.

I cover it up with foundation and a color corrector, but still, it's ever so slightly noticeable. My face is also just masc in general all that wasn't enough.My country is bigoted and women who don't fit the norm get assaulted pretty often.I try to stay away from dangerous neighbourhoods, but even the good ones have their problems. I could get assaulted anytime and that thought terrifies me. I'm constantly paranoid and I hate this shitfest of a country for making me feel this way.

I also have poor confidence in myself because of how ugly and alone I feel. I'm very far away from the standard of beauty and this fact was made very clear to me by how harshly I was bullied almost all my life.

And well, because of my low self esteem, I'm not great at making friends.

Other girls don't really like hanging around me and they treat me like a dude(I dress pretty masc since I'm ashamed of being girly in public... Most likely a factor).And guys hate my guts lol. do have friends tho and I care for them, but not enough to stay alive unfortunately.

Other than my appearance, my parents are emotionally abusive to me to the point where I genuinely consider moving in with someone. I cant do that tho bcz most of my friends are broke and my parents pay for college... i also am pretty much incapable of getting a job since I probably have autism and my parents wont acknowledge it. Wouldn't have time for work anyway, my college takes up every day of the week and I don't want to ruin my weekend by working... I'd def go insane if that happened.

I have no safe place... Outside I'm afraid for my life, inside i'm being abused... And when I hang out at a friend's house I still don't feel safe because eventually I know I have to return home...

College really sucks and so far I've made no friends. I have no partner for my Literature project and I don't know if I'm allowed to present the project on my own so I'm probably gonna fail... Honestly, this whole project thing is what prompted me to write this post. It's like the cherry on top of horrible, unfair things that are constantly happening. The girl I was supposed to partner up with ditched me last second and it made me think of how disposable I am to people. I don't know if it is because I'm ugly or there's just something unlikeable abt me, something as unexplainable as it is constant that simply ticks people off.

In a way, I hope it's the latter, since I don't want to believe in a world so devastatingly malicious that one could be so greatly alienated by others just on the basis of physical appearance...
I guess it doesn't matter anyhow. The pain I'm experiencing is caused by something out of my control and I don't deserve it, netheir am I putting up with it anymore. I just need to decide on a method to use... Either hanging or shallow water blackout.

I wanted to buy SN and CTB with a friend, but it's hard to get and I haven't found a reliable source. We were supposed to do it at their place while their parents were away, but it's too late now. Well, their parents are away pretty often so there are gonna be other opportunities, but I feel guilty. I came up with the idea of us CTB-ing together and while they agreed, they honestly have their whole life ahead and aren't as much of a burden and socially anxious mess as I am. So I'm gonna do it alone and pass off my CTB suggestion as a joke.

Are my methods okay? I don't have access to any other method really and from what I've read, they aren't the best ones. But I hope I can make them work...
Yeah, hope is all I've left.

The problem isn't your appearance but just the fact that you are different. I understand how it feels to be treated bad by everybody and to be watched and all of this terrible shit. My best advice despite you just wanna die, my best advice is that you try to feel empowered when you go out, that's something very important for your safety. Your actitude attracts terrible people and I know it by experience. On the other side... I think hanging can be dangerous because you can end up even in a worst situation than you are now, and.. dying from lack of water may seem easier than you think. If I were you I would try to wait for a better solution, that's what I do. Good luck!
Ps I will use this post for a little bit of venting too... For me, the main problem of my world is people too. Hell is people for me. If you are different for some reason, they will treat you like shit and watch you. No matter if you are ugly or beautiful which is something very relative, no matter if you are smart or stupid,no matter if you are homeless or rich whatever. If you are different you will have to face the hell of people watching you and talking about you. Having neighbours spying all the time, people looking at you or talking at you in the street.. so many things. And when you worry or feel scared about this, things get worst, you find out more violent situations in the streets. You must make you believe to yourself that you are strong and don't care about shit. If not, you will find more disgusting situations. It can be a terrible black hole. I've been there. I find myself eventually there again. It's something that always end up happening to me. Just because I am different.