tired of living with BPD

[neverwashere]

I'm genuinely so tired of everything. I want a break from everything. I have BPD (not officially diagnosed but my therapist and doctor both suspect it) and it makes my life a living hell. I don't know who I am as a person, I'm constantly ashamed of the fact that I exist, I don't feel real, and most of the time I feel so insanely empty that I would rather walk into oncoming traffic while on my way to work than keep going- an idea I've been entertaining more often recently. I claim to not be afraid of dying, but every time I get close to attempting I chicken out and I just cry until I fall asleep. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to go through life anymore. I feel like nobody I know likes me and all of my friends talk shit about me behind my back because I'm bad understanding social cues. Maybe I'm projecting but I genuinely feel like everyone despises me. And I don't blame them! I'm honestly such a shit person, I have no idea how I sleep at night. I feel like this chronic tiredness from life is making me an even worse person than I already was. Luckily, my school term ends tomorrow meaning I'll have an excuse to properly distance myself from everyone. I'm hoping I'll finally have the courage to CTB by the end of July. I don't know why I haven't yet to be honest. I don't want to burden anyone else by making them put up with my mental illness which I know I caused for myself. I'm considering the bloodchoke method detailed in the method megathread since it seems easiest/least expensive to pull off and is one of the faster methods.

 

[SoftWorries]

Do you have trauma or perhaps PTSD?

 

[neverwashere]

Do you have trauma or perhaps PTSD?

trauma yes. no PTSD though. why do you ask?

 

[MyLifeisHell]

Have you done DBT? It's the gold standard for treating BPD even though it has its flaws. It's probably in your interest to try that before choosing to CTB. Many people manage to get complete symptom remission after going through it.

 

[SoftWorries]

trauma yes. no PTSD though. why do you ask?

Because it's common to be misdiagnosed with BPD instead of CPTSD

"Some of the symptoms of complex PTSD are very similar to those of borderline personality disorder (BPD), and not all professionals are aware of complex PTSD. As a result, some people are given a diagnosis of BPD or another personality disorder when complex PTSD fits their experiences more closely."

Being diagnosed with BPD can make someone feel blame for their actions vs seeing them as symptoms as the long term consequences of trauma.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrible and tiring what you have to go through, existence is just too cruel. I wish you the best with your plans, it's very much understandable wishing to be free from the torture that existing brings.

 

[neverwashere]

Have you done DBT? It's the gold standard for treating BPD even though it has its flaws. It's probably in your interest to try that before choosing to CTB. Many people manage to get complete symptom remission after going through it.

I've been in DBT for the last year and a half-ish (will be a year and a half in august) and it kinda helped at first but its all been going downhill since November at breakneck speed

Because it's common to be misdiagnosed with BPD instead of CPTSD

"Some of the symptoms of complex PTSD are very similar to those of borderline personality disorder (BPD), and not all professionals are aware of complex PTSD. As a result, some people are given a diagnosis of BPD or another personality disorder when complex PTSD fits their experiences more closely."

Being diagnosed with BPD can make someone feel blame for their actions vs seeing them as symptoms as the long term consequences of trauma.

oh intereresting
I dont have any trauma that would cause cptsd and I haven't noticed myself doing anything that someone with ptsd would do- other than the bpd-esque things of course

 

[letmegetout]

Also more recently they are finding people, more so girls and women, but men too are being and have been wrongly diagnosed with BPD/EUPD when actually they have autism. Autism is also closely linked to ADHD especially in women.

I know a lot of people say 'it doesn't need a label' but actually, I think often it can help because when you know what it is, you can find the right treatment.

Also, as has been mentioned above, it could be cPTSD, it doesn't mean a classic 'significant trauma' has happened in your life or that you were abused all your life as a child, it can be many other things and it's another thing to think about. Just because again, it has different treatments and maybe they're worth a try?

At the end of the day CTB will always be an option, that's how I see it, so I want to know I've tried everything I can, so I can say that to my family and to avoid any SI I may have at the end

 

[neverwashere]

Also more recently they are finding people, more so girls and women, but men too are being and have been wrongly diagnosed with BPD/EUPD when actually they have autism. Autism is also closely linked to ADHD especially in women.

I know a lot of people say 'it doesn't need a label' but actually, I think often it can help because when you know what it is, you can find the right treatment.

Also, as has been mentioned above, it could be cPTSD, it doesn't mean a classic 'significant trauma' has happened in your life or that you were abused all your life as a child, it can be many other things and it's another thing to think about. Just because again, it has different treatments and maybe they're worth a try?

At the end of the day CTB will always be an option, that's how I see it, so I want to know I've tried everything I can, so I can say that to my family and to avoid any SI I may have at the end

You know what, I totally see where you're coming from. But honestly I'm pretty set on CTB. There's a lot of other aspects of my life that have made me decide I'm for sure going to do it within the next 2-3 months that I would really rather not talk about right now.
I appreciate you trying to find solutions for me, I genuinely really do. But I dunno, maybe I've just had a bad few weeks but I don't really see a way out for myself at this point.

 

[letmegetout]

You know what, I totally see where you're coming from. But honestly I'm pretty set on CTB. There's a lot of other aspects of my life that have made me decide I'm for sure going to do it within the next 2-3 months that I would really rather not talk about right now.
I appreciate you trying to find solutions for me, I genuinely really do. But I dunno, maybe I've just had a bad few weeks but I don't really see a way out for myself at this point.

That's fair enough, I'm sorry you feel this way