I have always felt like an unwanted burden. My own parents didn't want me so I was just passed around being told how worthless I was my entire childhood. At 18 I got with a highly abusive man whom I had made peace with the fact that he would eventually kill me. I got pregnant with my oldest during this time and found a reason to live. Over the years I battled depression and anxiety but somehow always rose above it, but now as a mom of four I've found myself in another abusive relationship, this time just mental abuse. He's an amazing father but I apparently live up to none of the standards he set for me. I constantly hear how worthless I am as a wife and mother and I don't know how much more I can take. I'm balancing on a tightrope and I'm so scared of hurting my kids or pushing these feelings onto them that honestly it's the only thing that keeps me here. I'm so tired and I just want to be done, done with the feelings, done with hurt, done with life. But how do I do this without hurting the only ones who have ever really loved me?? My kids deserve a better mother than me so is my fear of hurting them just me being a pussy unable to take the final leap? Idk anything anymore
Rachel74
Enlightened
- Sep 7, 2019
- 1,716
He is toxic. Don't stay with him for the sake of the children my sweet 
Sorry to hear you feel so rotten and find yourself in such difficult circumstances.
It's great that you love your kids so much you're willing to stick around for them. In my opinion that indicates that you're most likely a good mother: you're just on edge right now and you probably internalized the crap your husband put you through.
Without knowing them or you I do think it's reasonable to assume they'd be negatively affected if you were to CTB so it would make sense to take this into account. Children of suicides tend to develop all kinds of mental problems.
My mother tried to kill herself (not in a very effective manner but still) and it sent me into a deep depression and it's largely the reason why I find myself in a position of seriously considering suicide as a reasonable and valid way out. I could have done without that experience.
Any man who treats you like this does not deserve you. I would advise leaving him and building a life either alone or with someone who respects and loves you. Both for your sake and for your kids.
The best of luck to you.
It's great that you love your kids so much you're willing to stick around for them. In my opinion that indicates that you're most likely a good mother: you're just on edge right now and you probably internalized the crap your husband put you through.
Without knowing them or you I do think it's reasonable to assume they'd be negatively affected if you were to CTB so it would make sense to take this into account. Children of suicides tend to develop all kinds of mental problems.
My mother tried to kill herself (not in a very effective manner but still) and it sent me into a deep depression and it's largely the reason why I find myself in a position of seriously considering suicide as a reasonable and valid way out. I could have done without that experience.
Any man who treats you like this does not deserve you. I would advise leaving him and building a life either alone or with someone who respects and loves you. Both for your sake and for your kids.
The best of luck to you.
First loss
Specialist
- Jan 28, 2019
- 393
You should get out of that relationship. While I have abusive parents, they are abusive towards me, and not to each other, thankfully (kinda).
One of my best friends is a lad that has a very abusive father. Bastard beat him up and his mother multiple times, and she always returned to him because she did not want him to grow up without a father. In her mind, my friend loved his dad and enjoyed his company. Trust me when I say this, he did not. He hated his father with all of his heart and still does, he remembers nights of crying his heart out because he was listening to him beating his mother in another room. He is scarred for fucking life. If you are mentally broken and abused, your child cannot be happy. You cannot raise that child in a happy manner, so please do what is best for the both of you and leave.
One of my best friends is a lad that has a very abusive father. Bastard beat him up and his mother multiple times, and she always returned to him because she did not want him to grow up without a father. In her mind, my friend loved his dad and enjoyed his company. Trust me when I say this, he did not. He hated his father with all of his heart and still does, he remembers nights of crying his heart out because he was listening to him beating his mother in another room. He is scarred for fucking life. If you are mentally broken and abused, your child cannot be happy. You cannot raise that child in a happy manner, so please do what is best for the both of you and leave.
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