DrownedOctopus
Experienced
- Mar 2, 2019
- 246
I've spent the past 2 weeks or so in a really bad place. Not just what I consider a normal bad, it's oddly worse.
I'm tired of being exhausted all the time. I'm tired of not sleeping despite feeling like I'll going to pass out any moment. I'm bitter not feeling like I have the energy or motivation or enough will to do a damn thing. Breathing feels like a chore.
It's gotten to the point my head is eerily quiet. It's like I'm too tired to think, so all I am good for is sitting here staring at a wall wasting oxygen and space.
I'm like a glorified decrepit chair for my daughter. Weeks like this, before she was born, I'd sleep. I'd do nothing but sleep for a good 20 hours a day, it's questionable I was even awake as long as 4 hours throughout the day. I'd be awake long enough to get water and use the bathroom if I could convince myself to get out of bed, then Right back to sleep.
I hate this because it feels just like a complete system crash. Like my body has shut down from some overload and doesn't know how to recover. It's like feeling everything all at once to feeling nothing. But with migraines and a frozen body.
Just emptiness and cold. And exhaustion. And a pounding headache.
And I fucking hate it. I can't function as a human being, let alone a parent, no matter what I do to change it. (And I have done everything you don't need a prescription for to change it for over 10 years)
It just makes me feel even more like a complete waste of space than normal, but even just thinking about killing myself is tiring. I have tried bribing myself by saying it's an endless nap if you just go through with it, but nothing. My head hurts too much to think about anything extensively enough to make a decent plan. Planning like this is how I failed twice.
I'm just walking around like a zombie, feeling like when I do anything I'm on standby in my own body and someone else is in control. And I just have this overwhelming, constant, HEAVY AS HELL exhaustion I just can't shake.
I'm tired of being exhausted all the time. I'm tired of not sleeping despite feeling like I'll going to pass out any moment. I'm bitter not feeling like I have the energy or motivation or enough will to do a damn thing. Breathing feels like a chore.
It's gotten to the point my head is eerily quiet. It's like I'm too tired to think, so all I am good for is sitting here staring at a wall wasting oxygen and space.
I'm like a glorified decrepit chair for my daughter. Weeks like this, before she was born, I'd sleep. I'd do nothing but sleep for a good 20 hours a day, it's questionable I was even awake as long as 4 hours throughout the day. I'd be awake long enough to get water and use the bathroom if I could convince myself to get out of bed, then Right back to sleep.
I hate this because it feels just like a complete system crash. Like my body has shut down from some overload and doesn't know how to recover. It's like feeling everything all at once to feeling nothing. But with migraines and a frozen body.
Just emptiness and cold. And exhaustion. And a pounding headache.
And I fucking hate it. I can't function as a human being, let alone a parent, no matter what I do to change it. (And I have done everything you don't need a prescription for to change it for over 10 years)
It just makes me feel even more like a complete waste of space than normal, but even just thinking about killing myself is tiring. I have tried bribing myself by saying it's an endless nap if you just go through with it, but nothing. My head hurts too much to think about anything extensively enough to make a decent plan. Planning like this is how I failed twice.
I'm just walking around like a zombie, feeling like when I do anything I'm on standby in my own body and someone else is in control. And I just have this overwhelming, constant, HEAVY AS HELL exhaustion I just can't shake.
