Venting Till my last day

[SolomonKado]

I will be posting everyday until my CTB because I am so distraught with pain I am bursting at the seams and anyone I try talking to tells me they don't know what to say or the Veteran Suicide line tries to send me to work with the therapist I already have. Like they put regular people who want to play as therapists on those phones. I found myself wanting to CTB more the last two times I called.
I absolutely hate how scared of people and life I've become. If it wasn't for the store having pick up orders available then I'd starve to death. People have said go to Mexico for some of the things you need, but I can't leave the house and the amount of vehicle accidents I've been apart of because of others changes my mind.
I spent all last month crying so hard every night. I even prayed for help along with my crying and nothing has changed. I've been through 40+ years of this. Why do I ever want to do more.
Every turn I've made to be better at life has been destroyed by other people. Even people I thought were good turned out to be faking. I wouldn't be so bad if I succeeded every once in a while, but that's not how my life has gone. Even the ones who say they want to help are too busy. Everyone that tries to help end up way short. The therapist seems overworked and just going through the flow. I've even had a second one that I paid for out of pocket because I thought the first one wasn't working. Then that one did the same as the first.
I'd do everything for anyone in my pain. Whether it was money or time. I'd do anything in my power and I have.
I just think life is about being selfish and making sure you take care of yourself. Even if it means the person who needs you loses their life. As humans we are supposed to be social creatures and tribes of caring people. Maybe it's just where I have lived and the people in my life that has me thinking it doesn't exist. I just want to CTB and be done with it. I will have everything for CO, but would rather SN. Can't find SN at all so this is where I am at. Soon…

 

[abdelrahman]

I fucking hate suicide hotlines. They're pushed everywhere as the thing to do when you're feeling suicidal. Meanwhile, none of these incompetent privileged shits have any idea how to talk to a suicidal person. The minute you try to explain why dying is a better choice than living, they try some empty platitudes then send the cavalry. They are literally incapable of having the most basic level discussion about life and death. They can not fathom a state where truly there is nothing left to live for.

 

[xhale]

goddamn suicide hotlines are a big joke, they never have good resources and you could get put on the phone with someone who can barely alleviate your suicidal ideation

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it's really understandable just wishing to finally be free from everything, I certainly see suicide hotlines as being useless as empty, hollow words cannot take away the fact that existing is just endless suffering.