NutOrat
Sleepwalking
- Jun 11, 2025
- 39
Is what my father wished for as a toast on my birthday a few days ago. Now, he's very supportive and I love him a lot, he encouraged and offered to pay for me to go to therapy, and even to keep it a secret from others. Maybe I've burdened him too much. And he's so unfamiliar with mental health, he doesn't know how to react, so I understand. But he says it's all the things on the internet, and that I've poisoned my mind with these thoughts, like someone told me to feel this way. Because it's inconceivable that maybe I like, feel bad because there's real reasons?
My brother also, if I dare tell him or even show that I'm not feeling good, he'll immediately jump to invalidate my suffering by saying that I don't know real pain. I've not been what he's been through, and I don't really know what it is to suffer. So I should shut up and be happy. Is it a kind of defensive act? Invalidating other people's pain so you don't feel as bad or something?
I wish I could just "throw it out of my head", but I can't. It's always there, the moment I'm reminded of the real world. I wish I could feel better knowing my life isn't as bad as someone else's, but instead I feel more guilty. I don't deserve these people, I don't want to hurt them, but there never was any choice. The longer I stay here the more false hope I give them that I'll get better. What am I still doing here? I had multiple chances to kill myself when I was alone, when I could get the resources, but I didn't. Also I feel so lonely again, I'm never going to be with someone. And so weak, like my limbs are noodles and my chest is hollow. And I will never be able to catch up in art, I haven't drawn for so long, I feel so inadequate. And also- OK CUT IT OUT, BOO-HOO.
Birthdays are just gonna get worse and worse, huh?
My brother also, if I dare tell him or even show that I'm not feeling good, he'll immediately jump to invalidate my suffering by saying that I don't know real pain. I've not been what he's been through, and I don't really know what it is to suffer. So I should shut up and be happy. Is it a kind of defensive act? Invalidating other people's pain so you don't feel as bad or something?
I wish I could just "throw it out of my head", but I can't. It's always there, the moment I'm reminded of the real world. I wish I could feel better knowing my life isn't as bad as someone else's, but instead I feel more guilty. I don't deserve these people, I don't want to hurt them, but there never was any choice. The longer I stay here the more false hope I give them that I'll get better. What am I still doing here? I had multiple chances to kill myself when I was alone, when I could get the resources, but I didn't. Also I feel so lonely again, I'm never going to be with someone. And so weak, like my limbs are noodles and my chest is hollow. And I will never be able to catch up in art, I haven't drawn for so long, I feel so inadequate. And also- OK CUT IT OUT, BOO-HOO.
Birthdays are just gonna get worse and worse, huh?
And I hate birthdays too
