threw away SN but got it back from the trash

[happier than ever]

I threw away SN twice in the trash (different bins), but still got it back from the can. I keep going back and forth, and just keeping the SN around makes me feel safe for some reason, like there really is a choice if everything goes wrong. Today I threw the SN in the trash for the second time after my therapist kept urging me to, but i have this strong desire to go back and get it. What do I do? If there's still a slight chance that I could have a wonderful life, i think i should take it. If it means that I could get better, i should try. However, when the smallest of issues arise, like an argument, a problem i cant solve, communicating etc. i go back to ctbing. i've left all my stuff back at university, and i asked my parents if i could be put in a recovery centre/meditation since i need urgent care. however, theyre worried about the fees being wasted. i feel for them, although if i dont get urgent care, ill probably end up dead. idk what to do. should i get my SN back and ctb tomorrow? should i let it go in the trash and leave behind the thought of ctbing?

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

I understand how you feel, I also often go back and forth between "I'm gonna fucking do it" and "maybe I can still go on living". But I would strongly recommend that you don't CTB even while feeling very horrible if you are going back and forth on your decision. It sounds like you aren't totally sure you want to die, and like you still have a chance to recover. Please do what you can to try and feel better before you make a decision you can't take back!!

 

[deadbidaylight]

I'll never tell you that CTB is the right choice. I'll always believe that trying to live is the best course of action. If your folks are willing to send you to a recovery centre, I'd suggest going that route and try and have a better life. You can always circle back if shit doesn't work out or the recovery centre doesn't work for you.

 

[DivineSpark]

I'll never tell you that CTB is the right choice. I'll always believe that trying to live is the best course of action. If your folks are willing to send you to a recovery centre, I'd suggest going that route and try and have a better life. You can always circle back if shit doesn't work out or the recovery centre doesn't work for you.

I keep going because...I have loving and kind family. I have good friends...and I dont want to hurt them...although, sometimes, I am very tempted to end my struggle and suffering.

 

[deadbidaylight]

I keep going because...I have loving and kind family. I have good friends...and I dont want to hurt them...although, sometimes, I am very tempted to end my struggle and suffering.

I feel the same as you do. I come from a good family, I have my own family, I have good friends. I would hate to hurt everyone, but it doesn't keep the intrusive thoughts away. But as of this time, they are enough to keep me from acting on them.

 

[DivineSpark]

I feel the same as you do. I come from a good family, I have my own family, I have good friends. I would hate to hurt everyone, but it doesn't keep the intrusive thoughts away. But as of this time, they are enough to keep me from acting on them.

Yes, there is always temptation. Maybe it is good I dont have access to firearms. Anyway.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

I feel the same as you do. I come from a good family, I have my own family, I have good friends. I would hate to hurt everyone, but it doesn't keep the intrusive thoughts away. But as of this time, they are enough to keep me from acting on them.

Damn, same here. Good family, good friends, but the pain from a traumatic break-up that dug up the wounds of a previous traumatic break-up... it's just too much. The intrusive thoughts are too much, the war inside my head is so annoying.

 

[happier than ever]

I'll never tell you that CTB is the right choice. I'll always believe that trying to live is the best course of action. If your folks are willing to send you to a recovery centre, I'd suggest going that route and try and have a better life. You can always circle back if shit doesn't work out or the recovery centre doesn't work for you.

the thing is theyre willing to let me go next semester and still try and finish this current semester. but unfortunately, my current condition is really bad and i dont think waiting that long is going to be alright
guys also, do you think i should get the SN back from the trash?

 

[deadbidaylight]

Damn, same here. Good family, good friends, but the pain from a traumatic break-up that dug up the wounds of a previous traumatic break-up... it's just too much. The intrusive thoughts are too much, the war inside my head is so annoying.

The war is the worst. It's debilitating sometimes. I was in one of my darkest places for a few months around Christmas and it took everything in me to get out of bed. That's so hard to do when you have a family who depends on you. I believe I'm out the other end now, but I also know that darkness is just around the corner. It'll be back, but right now I'm trying to focus on the here and now and not dwell on it.

But I get you. The worst places of all are inside our heads. Lots of days I wish I could get out.

the thing is theyre willing to let me go next semester and still try and finish this current semester. but unfortunately, my current condition is really bad and i dont think waiting that long is going to be alright
guys also, do you think i should get the SN back from the trash?

You need to tell them that it's important that you go now and waiting isn't an option. You can put your studies on hold. You won't finish the semester if you're dead.

I hope you leave it in the trash, but ultimately only you can make that decision.

 

[Old]

It's called suicidal instinct