gnomeboy17
Specialist
- Feb 11, 2020
- 355
(I'm sure if this is already a thing, but I couldn't find it, so feel free to use this space to leave a note to anyone left behind)
I don't want to die, not really. However, I can't bare to live anymore, and death is the only way to not live. I guess it's difficult to summarise the reasons one would come to the conclusion that ending their life is the only solution, but really, it is. It's hard to explain what's wrong, when it's just that nothing's right. Nothing's /that/ bad, but I just really wish I was dead. It's hard when I constantly feel so unwanted, and like I disappoint everyone all the time. I feel like people are better off with out me, because I just mess everything up. I don't see the point in doing anything when I constantly feel unwelcome and like I let everyone down no matter where I am or what I'm doing.
It's less that I want to kill myself and more just I wish I'd never existed, if the only way to not exist is to die, then that is all I can do. I wish I could just die in an accident, then no one need blame themselves for something I've wanted for a long time. I used to be literally the best at everything, academic, music, sport. I was the perfect child and the perfect student. But now a lot of days I just cry for hours. I used to care about everything, but somewhere down the line, I just stopped. I still care about some things but everything else is all just stuff that happens, and I don't understand why everything matters. I know I should, but I just don't, and I'm scared my whole life's gonna feel like this.
Even if I wanted a good future, I couldn't have it because I find myself missing out on so many opportunities due to severe anxiety, I miss school trips, competitions, jobs, work experience. I'll never get into a uni or a good job like this.
Apart from that, my life is good, I guess. I just really wish I hadn't been born female. Sometimes I wake up and genuinely have a moment of like 'Oh God, this is my life, why the fuck did I have to wake up.' I just can't bare another day of waking up like this.
All throughout my life, I'll have to tell people I'm transexual at some point in our relationship, as I know, if I don't, people will find out themselves and that feels worse than just telling them in the first place.
There's a big thing the media pushes about how transitioning doesn't actually help because people still kill themselves afterwards. I can't even explain how much better testosterone has made me feel, if it wasn't for it, I would've likely failed my GCSEs or probably killed myself before. It gave me motivation and happiness to an extent I'd never felt before. However, I've just come to a realisation that being transgender will not ever go away, my dysphoria can never be cured completely, just to a manageable extent and my previous life constantly haunts me, though the memories will fade, I will always have random flashbacks to when I was a girl and I'm really not exaggerating but I really do have flashbacks and it makes me sick, and it won't go away, ever.
People say that "suicide is a long term solution to a temporary problem." The only issue I have with this is that my mine isn't temporary, as I will always be (to a large extent) female, and I will never be truly male.
In conclusion, I do want to die, because nothing will ever make my life what it should have been. I don't even believe in reincarnation, but just the notion that maybe I could die and be reborn as cis is a dream. I know that won't happen, but I'd rather be dead than female. I want to be happy, but if that can't happen, then I'll have to be dead.
I don't want to die, not really. However, I can't bare to live anymore, and death is the only way to not live. I guess it's difficult to summarise the reasons one would come to the conclusion that ending their life is the only solution, but really, it is. It's hard to explain what's wrong, when it's just that nothing's right. Nothing's /that/ bad, but I just really wish I was dead. It's hard when I constantly feel so unwanted, and like I disappoint everyone all the time. I feel like people are better off with out me, because I just mess everything up. I don't see the point in doing anything when I constantly feel unwelcome and like I let everyone down no matter where I am or what I'm doing.
It's less that I want to kill myself and more just I wish I'd never existed, if the only way to not exist is to die, then that is all I can do. I wish I could just die in an accident, then no one need blame themselves for something I've wanted for a long time. I used to be literally the best at everything, academic, music, sport. I was the perfect child and the perfect student. But now a lot of days I just cry for hours. I used to care about everything, but somewhere down the line, I just stopped. I still care about some things but everything else is all just stuff that happens, and I don't understand why everything matters. I know I should, but I just don't, and I'm scared my whole life's gonna feel like this.
Even if I wanted a good future, I couldn't have it because I find myself missing out on so many opportunities due to severe anxiety, I miss school trips, competitions, jobs, work experience. I'll never get into a uni or a good job like this.
Apart from that, my life is good, I guess. I just really wish I hadn't been born female. Sometimes I wake up and genuinely have a moment of like 'Oh God, this is my life, why the fuck did I have to wake up.' I just can't bare another day of waking up like this.
All throughout my life, I'll have to tell people I'm transexual at some point in our relationship, as I know, if I don't, people will find out themselves and that feels worse than just telling them in the first place.
There's a big thing the media pushes about how transitioning doesn't actually help because people still kill themselves afterwards. I can't even explain how much better testosterone has made me feel, if it wasn't for it, I would've likely failed my GCSEs or probably killed myself before. It gave me motivation and happiness to an extent I'd never felt before. However, I've just come to a realisation that being transgender will not ever go away, my dysphoria can never be cured completely, just to a manageable extent and my previous life constantly haunts me, though the memories will fade, I will always have random flashbacks to when I was a girl and I'm really not exaggerating but I really do have flashbacks and it makes me sick, and it won't go away, ever.
People say that "suicide is a long term solution to a temporary problem." The only issue I have with this is that my mine isn't temporary, as I will always be (to a large extent) female, and I will never be truly male.
In conclusion, I do want to die, because nothing will ever make my life what it should have been. I don't even believe in reincarnation, but just the notion that maybe I could die and be reborn as cis is a dream. I know that won't happen, but I'd rather be dead than female. I want to be happy, but if that can't happen, then I'll have to be dead.
