Zanmato
Student
- Apr 4, 2024
- 161
I'm writing this post without even thinking, and english is not my first language, so forgive the mistakes.
It's a just a "vent" (or a "whine", but I'm not sure this is the right word. Probably not.)
You know.
I'm just tired.
Here it's evening, I don't feel like doing anything.
No games, no books, no video or anything else.
Completely (a)pathetic.
I'm tying to thinking when I started to feel like this.
On my teenage? Probably.
Or even a bit earlier?
Years of school, years of bullies.
Then, became an adult, a past of hikikomori, and then I tried to find a (bad) job, and now I have to keep it, unless I can find something else (I know it'll still be bad, but let's hope for a change. If it will ever come).
I'm just tired.
Lately, I had suicidal/death thoughts again (I was driving today, thinking: Well, it wouldn't be bad a fatal incident), but I still don't understand why it's so hard.
Fear? Probably.
But deep down, I don't even care if tomorrow I won't wake up.
And yet, it's hard.
Fear?
Feel guilty for a few people?
Still not ready?
Will I ever be?
I've been for a while on this forum, even if I'm not always so active, and I saw people buying e taking SN, or trying other methods, even "Goodbye threads".
(Plus, people who used to write post, but then they disappeared, I wonder what happened to them)
When they realized it was their time to go?
Aside, I wonder what happened to them, if they were found "just in time", or not.
How people reacted when they found the body.
The thing is: I think I'll never be able to ctb.
I don't know why, but I can see myself, in the future, older and older, with these same old thoughts.
But, right now, I don't even see good reasons to stay.
I just wish I wasn't born at all, life isn't worth it.
It's a just a "vent" (or a "whine", but I'm not sure this is the right word. Probably not.)
You know.
I'm just tired.
Here it's evening, I don't feel like doing anything.
No games, no books, no video or anything else.
Completely (a)pathetic.
I'm tying to thinking when I started to feel like this.
On my teenage? Probably.
Or even a bit earlier?
Years of school, years of bullies.
Then, became an adult, a past of hikikomori, and then I tried to find a (bad) job, and now I have to keep it, unless I can find something else (I know it'll still be bad, but let's hope for a change. If it will ever come).
I'm just tired.
Lately, I had suicidal/death thoughts again (I was driving today, thinking: Well, it wouldn't be bad a fatal incident), but I still don't understand why it's so hard.
Fear? Probably.
But deep down, I don't even care if tomorrow I won't wake up.
And yet, it's hard.
Fear?
Feel guilty for a few people?
Still not ready?
Will I ever be?
I've been for a while on this forum, even if I'm not always so active, and I saw people buying e taking SN, or trying other methods, even "Goodbye threads".
(Plus, people who used to write post, but then they disappeared, I wonder what happened to them)
When they realized it was their time to go?
Aside, I wonder what happened to them, if they were found "just in time", or not.
How people reacted when they found the body.
The thing is: I think I'll never be able to ctb.
I don't know why, but I can see myself, in the future, older and older, with these same old thoughts.
But, right now, I don't even see good reasons to stay.
I just wish I wasn't born at all, life isn't worth it.
