I am pretty new to this forum. It got recommended to me by somebody in April. I have been reading silently, but not signed up until this weekend. This weekend, I was really wanting to ctb very soon. But I got over it, at least for now. My death wish is inconsistent at times, but I always come back to it. I like how this is a place without judgement, and without the risk of being locked up if I say the wrong thing to the wrong person. I did chat outside of this forum with somebody I know irl. They do not judge me either, but I don't think I will be chatting to them about it again, should I feel like that again. I fear if I do that too often, they might get me a welfare check, which I don't want. I am going to therapy regularly. I find it weirdly comforting that I have a place where, if I do decide to ctb, I can find all the information needed to do that. I am most afraid of failing and ending up in a mental hospital, as well as having lasting damage. So far, mental hospitals have done me more harm than good. So the next time I try, I want to make sure I do it properly. At the same time, I am a bit sad seeing that some people do end up ctb. Part of me is happy for them, but I guess part of me is still sad, even if they are strangers. I am less sad than with people irl, though, as I think most people who are on here have considered their options very carefully and have been thinking about their choice for a very long time. Some still make me a bit sad though, especially the younger members. I am probably not making sense right now.
You're making sense to me and I expect a lot of people here. There are mixed emotions when a person does CTB here. We're not the death cult we are portrayed to be. While we may feel relief for them, there is also a sadness and sometimes even a fear that it was indeed the right choice for them- for many of us I expect. We do respect choice of course and we don't doubt that people are suffering.
I agree too. It was such a comfort for me when I first discovered this forum and has been ever since.
