Venting thoughts

[ANONYMOUSM]

i just can't anymore i dont know what to do anymore i can't ctb because of si and i can't get my life back together i cant do anything im so tired i can't talk to anyone about this because they'll try and get me "help" or be all positive like "don't end your life it's not a movie " im so tired i just want to be left alone by my roommate she doesn't know that i have completely given up my room is a mess i keep having outbursts because I can't take it anymore and i dont know what to do im just so tired i wish i was dead i wish i never existed i wish i was never born im so tired i dont want to wake up tomorrow i hate everyone but i can't really blame them because im the problem i just can't anymore i dont know what to do i hate the people who just tell me to be normal i hate when people tell me that my interests are weird when i tell them because i want to increase the relationship even more i hate the people who tell me im hurting them because of my mental health and why can't i just be happy i hate my body i hate my skin i hate it here i dont know what to do anymore nothing i do works everytime i think there is some hope it gets snatched from me im so tired i hate people who tell me "that never happened" or "you imagining things" when i tell them how they hurt me im so tired i hate me i hate everything i don't know what to do anymore i have tried again and again an again to ctb but it never works im stuck here i just want to die im so tired i hate people who force me to tell them things i hate people who say that there are other people who have worse pain than me im just tired i hate how my feelings fade and i can't remember things i hate how i word things i hate being in this body i hate feeling my skin why can't i die why can't i remember what i had to say i hate how it will come back to be later when i can't express it anymore im not allowed to express my feelings because no one cares they think it is weird and im just fragile "don't have feeling be a robot just work" i can't do this anymore im dont know what to do i wish i was dead i wish i wish i wish why can't they all shut up why can't they all leave me alone i feel better when im alone they aren't nagging all the time and repeating things i say to myself i wish they would all go away i wish i could remember things i wish a lot of things im so tired
if i ever get those thoughts or feelings again and i know what to say i will continue my vent thread here

 

[Lynx.]

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. It's extremely hard to deal with people, especially when suffering from depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation.

Many assume that they know a trick to make it better: a simple patch that once applied will alliviate the pain - ie. "You should do this", " have you tried this to get better", "have you ever thought about how there are people that have it worse than you?", "if you shift to a positive mindset your perspective will change", " adopt X philosophy and routines and you will feel better", and many others among a list of infinite platitudes that we tell to each other.

In reality, that happens very rarely. These rationalizations will work for some, while for others it may be of use only temporarily - and there's another percentage of people for which they will not work at all.

A one-size-fit-all solution (if that's how it's called...) will not work in many cases. You have a right to not be "mentally well" at the moment, and the response to that should not be a bombardment of stupid questions, solutions and rationalizations.

i wish i was dead i wish i never existed i wish i

Yeah. I get it - I feel the same, even when things might be going 'well'.

hate how it will come back to be later when i can't express it anymore im not allowed to express my feelings because no one cares they think it is weird and im just fragile "don't have feeling be a robot just work" i can't do this anymore im dont know what to do

I think sometimes many get extremely uncomfortable about other people's feelings - they might have a preconceived idea of how this person must be, or how they should behave or feel - if someone feels X thing, they might think that "they should be feeling less of X", or change their behaviour, or be a certain way thay would allow them to fit in and "not be a burden to others"
That mentality is a horrible thing to place on others, since it issues a policy on how people 'should be', and if you don't fit that box, you'll be deemed unstable and mentally ill.
Also, when someone is feeling suicidal, ir raises the question of whether life is worth having or not - most people get creeped out by that question, so their minds shut it down as fast as possible in order to not be threatened by the existential dread that such a question might bring. All rationalizations are a defense mechanism, just like most things in our lives. To me, life is not only not worth having - it's not worth beginning. I feel as if someone stepped in my wet cement when they decided to procreate and make me in the process...

I can't deal with others doing that. That's why I self-isolate whenever I'm in a bad spot mentally (which is quite often). It's not the healthiest mechanism, but I don't want to deal with other people in that state - there's no judgement in silence.

Many hugs to you.