Thoughts while waiting for CTB date to approach

[Zoltiel]

I'm looking back at my life and all my efforts in the last 10 years to change things and change myself, and how futile it all was. I made some success at certain points, but as the pressure of life builds up you just revert back to your old self. I was reading recently that they are discovering that personality is influenced more by genetics than environment. It makes sense, as I've literally tried everything to change and I am still the way I always was.

I've also been thinking about Communism and how greatly my people suffered 100 years ago when the bolsheviks took over my country. Sometimes I wish I was born back then so I could die fighting this plague with my fellow patriots. Pretty much anyone who opposed the Communist party got killed or sent to a concentration camp. The people who were most likely to oppose it were the intellectuals, so pretty much every smart person died. Don't be mistaken, Russia today is not Russia, but only a shadow of what it could have been.

I think western civilization is ending anyway, so whatever. People are becoming more individualized and selfish. Think about it, just 50 years ago it was normal to have 5 kids. Now people just have 1 and they say they're done. Whenever I see foreigners, they always roll in huge groups and have huge families. But us westerners just want to have our pleasures and our fun. I don't think there is really anything any of us can do, the forces that we are up against are bigger than either one of us.

What have you guys been thinking about?

 

[Chronicillness]

On the contrary... I think we all were born in the wrong timelines. I'd say, 1000+ years from now, when we have established transhumanism, it's likely that the suffereing you see today will be completely abolished, insignificant, or resigned to a very niche group of people who choose not to merge with the transhumanistic society.

We all failed the timeline lottery. Humanity will likely go on and on for tens of thousands of years, if not more. We didn't luck out. We were born way too early.

Life does suck now and we have lost the abundance of interpersonal connections, forcing us to have converstions with vapid people online who are way too indivisualistic and attached to the phsycial being, instead of the character, like you said.

 

[TAW122]

I don't have a exact date or approximation, but as far as my thoughts, they are basically just reliving the good and bad experience of my life, acknowledging how shitty the world is and how I wished to die sooner than live out many more years of hell in this civilization. I am also bracing myself and imagining myself CTB'ing via my own method and all the details leading up to the very moment.

 

[MysticPerception]

I don't have a date yet but my thoughts mostly go to what possibly lies beyond the pale of death. I also keep having thoughts of conversations I'd have with therapists and my mother in the event that I fail miserably. I already know how to lie my way out of a situation so it won't be hard to act like I regret my decision and am happy to be alive and tell them what they want to hear long enough for them to let me out. Then I'll try again. That's the thought that mostly cycles through my head lately now that I have SN near me.

 

[AintNoWayOut]

im just consumed with regret and depression over how my life has came to such shit and has to end so soon. think i have OCD because i obsess over it to the point where i can never be at ease. but at the same time, i've been having more calm thoughts as well, knowing the pain will end. a month or two ago i'd cry like five times a day bc the physical pain was too strong and/or it hit me how my life would never go back to what it was and i'd have to sui at such a young age, missing out on so many opportunities. lately, though, i've rarely been crying... might be because i've come more to terms with it. who knows though, could just be a phase and in the week leading up to my death i might start crying and breaking down a lot again.