stardewwindceres
Flesh Coffin
- Oct 2, 2025
- 109
Giving up on that other thread, guess I'll start a new one. See how long I can keep this one up. I don't remember the last time I posted here really. My 40th was in October and I know I posted then or shortly before or after, since then I haven't even been able to bring myself to even open this computer. I haven't been able to bring myself to do much else but lay in bed and cry. Getting up to take my dog outside has been harder than ever, and I hate that I am even admitting it, but I've been waiting until the last minute when usually I am all over her needs. Or I just make her go downstairs and pawn her off on my mother. Things are just getting so much worse. Time is crawling. Christmas is not usually a problem for me because I don't celebrate it, religiously or culturally, so at least there's that. It was still a long fucking day. I'm 40 and have nothing to show for it. No friends, no relationship, I live with my mother- which for a lot of reasons that I don't even want to get into is just an extra layer of suffering. She takes her misery out on other people, lots of verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation.
My life is laying in bed, in a room that is half-way to looking like a hoarder lives in it (Not a hoarder, I just don't clean unless it's something like food or really messy, just lots of clutter) and watch TV, stare at the ceiling/walls, play video games/get on internet if I can find the energy. I don't even drive anymore. Even if I wanted to I couldn't. My mother keeps my car keys locked in her safe. She has already told me I'm never driving again.
I've recently started ECT treatments. By recent I mean, I had 3 last week and one on Monday, but then they took the rest of this week off because of the holidays and I start again Monday. I don't really know what I'm expecting. I don't really think it will do much of anything. I could end it all tomorrow if I want. I have plenty of SN, meto, I'll have 600 mg of Valium after noon. I know how it sounds, and I hate myself for this, but I just want to be able to not make a decision and either develop some disease or have some random aneurysm or medical event to happen that will just kill me.
I know one day I will eventually die. Do I just wait until then? Maybe help speed it along in the meantime. Just...wait? I always have the chance with he SN/Meto at anytime, and SN/Meto/large dose Valium the first week or so of every month.
Why do I just keep putting off the inevitable. Maybe a compromise? See what happens with the ECT and if it ends up being useless, well I have what I need. Maybe this. I don't know. FUCK.
My life is laying in bed, in a room that is half-way to looking like a hoarder lives in it (Not a hoarder, I just don't clean unless it's something like food or really messy, just lots of clutter) and watch TV, stare at the ceiling/walls, play video games/get on internet if I can find the energy. I don't even drive anymore. Even if I wanted to I couldn't. My mother keeps my car keys locked in her safe. She has already told me I'm never driving again.
I've recently started ECT treatments. By recent I mean, I had 3 last week and one on Monday, but then they took the rest of this week off because of the holidays and I start again Monday. I don't really know what I'm expecting. I don't really think it will do much of anything. I could end it all tomorrow if I want. I have plenty of SN, meto, I'll have 600 mg of Valium after noon. I know how it sounds, and I hate myself for this, but I just want to be able to not make a decision and either develop some disease or have some random aneurysm or medical event to happen that will just kill me.
I know one day I will eventually die. Do I just wait until then? Maybe help speed it along in the meantime. Just...wait? I always have the chance with he SN/Meto at anytime, and SN/Meto/large dose Valium the first week or so of every month.
Why do I just keep putting off the inevitable. Maybe a compromise? See what happens with the ECT and if it ends up being useless, well I have what I need. Maybe this. I don't know. FUCK.
