Thoughts on starting ECT after starting to feel better if you feel better because you got a gun?

[tiredxillenial]

Did TMS. Was still severly depressed as I was finishing TMS so I mentioned ECT to my therapist. She suggested waiting a bit after TMS to see what happens. I felt she had discouraged the TMS provider from giving me an ECT referral when I had expressed to her that I was on my last straw. I felt I was being forced into a deeper depression by providers if I were to keep living. I responded to this by getting a gun and ammo so that I could have an out rather than sinking further into depression. The weird thing is that since doing that, the depression has gotten better. I think what is was, was that I was feeling really disempowered and getting the gun gave me a sense of agency.

I have my follow up appointment with the TMS provider on the 16th and planned to push for an ECT referral. Now I'm wondering if I need ECT because I am feeling better. I'm also like I got a gun again and I'm feeling better because I got a gun; those both may be flags that I need ECT.

I'm dissociative so I'm not always aware of what I'm feeling. This means that I don't know if I'm still depressed and just not aware of it, or if the suicidal part of me has role shifted a bit since getting the gun and is stepping up to be responsible with it. I've had moments of I think genuinely feeling better and moments where I still seem to be depressed (e.g., not doing laundry, getting very little done, tiring easily, not doing dishes, etc.) As a cruel slap to me, my OCD flared up real bad Friday night after I had felt better by deciding earlier in the day that I would think about what to do with the gun (e.g., maybe I shouldn't have it on hand and now that I know I can go to a store and walk out with another one in a few hours maybe that is enough for me right now.) I lost nine hours Friday night to compulsions. That also makes me think maybe I do need ECT.

Honestly I've wanted to manage my depression with ECT for awhile now because I have issues with most meds and think occasional brain resets could be the best path forward for me. It seems real hard to get where I live. I kinda want to try to take adavantage of what may be a small window to get a referral so that I can do an index series and then get on a schedule of maintainence ECT. I think if I say that I got another gun and am feeling better, but that I am feeling better because I got another gun, that I may be able to get an ECT referral. I also feel like tracking how I'm responding to ECT may be hard though because I don't feel as depressed. (This could of course shift quite quickly!)

Anyone have any thoughts on doing ECT if I am feeling better but that is because I have a gun now? I'm also curious to hear any thoughts on how to evaluate my response to treatments if I am feeling better before starting, but still have a clinical need for treatment due to suicidality that I may be dissociated from.


[[I plan to talk to my therapist about all this before the follow up appointment with the TMS provider. She doesn't know that I replaced the gun. (I had gotten one in August and turned it over to her after she asked me if I had gotten a gun.) I didn't tell her last session because I was worried about being sectioned and I didn't want it taken away from me. I think I can tell her I got it if I have already given it to someone for safekeeping before session.]]

 

[purplesmoothie]

I think you should try ect, I tried it once and it helped me whereas nothing else has helped. Just know it comes with side effects, including short term memory loss and twitching I believe

 

[timf]

I think you are right about your sense of empowerment. The feeling can sometimes be lost if following the suggestions of others like a therapist. You might want to use your gun at a gun range for target practice. I can be enjoyable and also provide a feeling of control.

You might also want to research ECT as the side effects can be very strong.

 

[Sweet Release]

I really feel for you but ECT will damage your brain.
Please research it for further information.

 

[tiredxillenial]

I think you are right about your sense of empowerment. The feeling can sometimes be lost if following the suggestions of others like a therapist. You might want to use your gun at a gun range for target practice. I can be enjoyable and also provide a feeling of control.

You might also want to research ECT as the side effects can be very strong.

Decided I'm gonna give it someone for safekeeping. Sounds like T is on board with moving forward with ECT if I'm still depressed. I thought she was blocking it before and that's what prompted me to get the gun because I sure as hell was not going to allow myself to be tormented more by depression. I think just knowing that I can pass a background check and get another one is OK for now. Giving it to someone for safekeeping lets me then tell my therapist I got it without having to get her invovled in trying to get it away from me. I feel like getting the gun and feeling better because I did is relevant info for deciding what to do.

I really feel for you but ECT will damage your brain.
Please research it for further information.

I have researched it extensively. There does need to be more research on it, but some people don't have significant adverse effects. There is no evidence of structural damage due to ECT. On a cellular level I'm sure there are changes but that doesn't neccesarily mean damage. Some research suggests ECT encourages neural growth and the memory side effects may actually be because of this (e.g., neural growth happening without integration.) At any rate, I don't think one or two treatments would do much harm, and you can stop at any time; I could see how it seems to affect me after one or two treatments and decided to continue or not.

For some people ECT does make a big difference and it may be a choice between ECT or death or crushing suffering. Many people in this situation choose ECT quite of their free agency. Some get better without significant adverse effects. Some have cognitive effects but get better and feel ECT is worth it. Some don't respond to ECT and have significant adverse effects. The research indicates that most people have temporary adverse effects, and that a significant minority have lasting adverse effects. Blanket statements discouraging ECT and saying it causes brain damage raise an anti-science red flag though and are antithetical to people choosing what they feel is best for them after accessing information to make an informed decision. Opinions on the balance of adverse effects with potential gains and current mental state are welcome though and were what I hoped to get when I made this post.

 

[TheQ22]

Do they still do ECT?

I thought they'd stopped years ago??

 

[tiredxillenial]

Do they still do ECT?

I thought they'd stopped years ago??

Yes it is still done. A newer modality, magnetic seizure therapy, is being developed and may become more widely used in depression treatment as it has fewer side effects than ECT. It is still in development though.

 

[fox21132113]

I have my TMS consultation tomorrow, a little nervous. Could you tell me more of your experience? I thought about ect and ketamine, which will still be on the table if this doesn't work.

 

[AJ95]

I've thought about something like ECT or TMS, I might ask my psychiatrist about it when I see her tomorrow.

Honestly half the appeal of ECT is that you get put under for it and I love getting anesthetized, I find it really fun lol

 

[Disappointered]

I'm really curious about TMS. If it doesn't have negative side effects I might see if my doctor will let me get it.
Re ECT side effects, are they temporary?

 

[tiredxillenial]

I have my TMS consultation tomorrow, a little nervous. Could you tell me more of your experience? I thought about ect and ketamine, which will still be on the table if this doesn't work.

Sorry just seeing this because notifcations are turned off for me apparently. I hope the TMS consult went well! I did deep TMS. The acutual TMS didn't really have side eeffects or anything. The worst part is that the office has no covid precautions so I wore a paint fume respirator and goggles to each session. It feels like tapping. Feel free to DM me. i've done both TMS and ketamine. No one wants to give me ECT so it's essentially impossible for me to access.

I'm really curious about TMS. If it doesn't have negative side effects I might see if my doctor will let me get it.
Re ECT side effects, are they temporary?

I've heard it varies for each person. It's beleived to be temporary for most. I wish there was mor research on it. Magnetic seizure therpapy I think willl laregly replace ECT and that doesn't ahve the same side effects.