Thoughts on my problems connecting with people

[whatevs]

Chronic illness (and sexual dysfunction) is likely the main reason why I feel cornered into voluntary death, but loneliness is a close second.

I lost my group of friends in late highschool/college because I started having symptoms of whatever that afflicts me and also I endured an entire year of pelvic pain (when you are a man this simply feels like your dick hurts lol). They couldn't understand it and I couldn't even show up for the partying anymore either way. Some of them were good friends in a way and I don't hold a lot of grudges, it just was something that normal, healthy people are not equipped to deal with. This was 10 years ago.

I went on to have an online friendship with someone with a similar situation This friendship was the longest and most intimate since my problems started. My time assessment is off, but it had to last at least 4 years. He was of a similar age, same gender, from the same continent, also afflicted with mental and physical ailments. However, as time went on differences surfaced. I began to feel contempt and repulsion at him. The things he cared about, or those that he found funny, started to really repel me. This happens to me with most people, although with a lot of people it appears very early on. One shrink diagnosed with vulnerable narcissism and I think that one asshole nailed it better than the rest. I have to be fair and share some of his side of the story (first friend), he began to lash out and be outspoken about "my superiority complex". I believe this is relevant.

So our relationship ended when his nonsense became unbearable. He wanted to become a rap singer, and shared with me his fondness for "gangsta rap". That is poisonous music about murdering people for money, having sex without affection and trafficking with drugs. It's complete filth and shouldn't be legal. I'm not pretending to be a saint, but if you mix idiocy, illiteracy, crass materialism and violence you don't produce music, you produce some kind of cultural disease. So I just stopped talking to him for good after a brief and bitter exchange.

I feel sad about not being able to like and respect people and hold relationships. I don't want to be this way and I know for a fact it is pushing me to suicide.

The rest of my failed friendships were, most of them, similar in that I found something about people that I couldn't stomach or became "bitchy" about it with them. The last one was a little different in that I didn't attack or despise the person, but because I shared some paranormal experiences that I cherish with him he started to become contemptous himself and enacted some bizarre closing ceremony in Telegram where he showed up with a ridiculous riddle, insisted that I tried to solved it and despite me accepting that I couldn't solve it and that I wanted the answer he kept poking me and repeating how easy the riddle was, refusing to explain the solution. The whole thing was set up so that he could "prove" that I wasn't as intelligent as I thought, and then leave asserting that I would likely not have such a great life. I was stunned, he didn't seem that deranged.

I also had female friends and they failed as well, a couple of them. It's a really distancing or disengaging feeling to see how you seem unable to have friends. For me at least, this makes hard assigning value to life, since a lot of the ways people use to fill their days with meaning are social in nature, and that includes even most religions.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

It's extremely unlikely, maybe even statistically impossible, for two people to not have areas where they differ. In most cases you'll have major things that you disagree on, and even emotionally charged/controversial stuff. You could see friendships as the process of working around, or even appreciating, the differences. It's easier to relate and communicate with people who are similar, so for online relationships (with the sole purpose of communication) being too different could make the relationship short lived, for good reason.

IRL, if things like goals/entertainment/intimacy/etc are present; it makes less sense (or no sense) to have harsh screening for opinions/values/tastes (imo). But then again, what actually makes sense?

 

[callme]

It's extremely unlikely, maybe even statistically impossible, for two people to not have areas where they differ

Chang and Ang the siamese twins do not

 

[Foresight]

Your profile pic makes me smile, and by the way I spent some time trying to offer something nice and you moved the topic lol

I'll try to recapture my thoughts for you, but I read your post and you don't seem like a lost cause in relationships. We all have our catastrophic ends and relationship failures. There are some people I look back on and I feel bad they ever knew me. Other people I feel like I was a blessing in their life. The people you were dealing with seemed like a handful. The riddle guy and rapper. I'm sure you had your authentic connection with them, but if you have a low tolerance for nonsense I can see why it folded.

In regards to the superiority complex, obviously that's not easily changed. I have a personality disorder in Cluster C. I know these aspects of our personality are not easily altered. You have to keep in mind that even if you think someone else is inferior they likely still have something to offer that you don't. That's just by virtue of being a different person. They've cultivated something in their own lives that you haven't. When you find your people you have to appreciate the differences and treat the connection like gold. Accept their flaws and they'll accept yours. I'm sure you don't like when people look down on you so remember to not give your friends the vibe that you look down on them.

The pelvic pain is a bad hand though, and I wish you healing as much as possible.

 

[whatevs]

Your profile pic makes me smile, and by the way I spent some time trying to offer something nice and you moved the topic lol

I'll try to recapture my thoughts for you, but I read your post and you don't seem like a lost cause in relationships. We all have our catastrophic ends and relationship failures. There are some people I look back on and I feel bad they ever knew me. Other people I feel like I was a blessing in their life. The people you were dealing with seemed like a handful. The riddle guy and rapper. I'm sure you had your authentic connection with them, but if you have a low tolerance for nonsense I can see why it folded.

In regards to the superiority complex, obviously that's not easily changed. I have a personality disorder in Cluster C. I know these aspects of our personality are not easily altered. You have to keep in mind that even if you think someone else is inferior they likely still have something to offer that you don't. That's just by virtue of being a different person. They've cultivated something in their own lives that you haven't. When you find your people you have to appreciate the differences and treat the connection like gold. Accept their flaws and they'll accept yours. I'm sure you don't like when people look down on you so remember to not give your friends the vibe that you look down on them.

The pelvic pain is a bad hand though, and I wish you healing as much as possible.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and consider my issues. It means a lot for me. I moved it because I thought this should be here since I currently DON'T want to kill myself, I just feel like I might be forced to in the future. I'd like to have a different ending than the one I could already envisage in my teens.

Yes, you are right in that a lot of the people we meet online when we desperate or lonely are "a handful" but let's be real, we met for a reason, I'm also a handful, just in a more sneaky way. That's why I was in the places I met them. I realized that the place (online or IRL) where you meet people says a lot about how they are.

Right, even though my personality is settled I probably can improve keeping in mind that nobody is perfect and that I don't want to be alone. Nowadays it's not even about feeling better than anybody, since by many standards I am a complete loser, but that fatal tendency to see flaws is there. Pessimism, that's the word. Many in here, in this forum, are pessimists. When this mental disease is very widespread you'll see the worst in people 24/7.

Well, the pelvic thing "resolved": I feel nothing upon ejaculation but no pain. Ta da! Been 10 years since I had an orgasm. I barely remember how they were.

 

[timf]

If narcissism is an accurate diagnosis, it can be difficult to resolve. As I understand it, it is formed early in childhood and becomes integral to a personality. In a way, it is a distortion of reality but a distortion that defines how one sees the world.

Your health issues may have provided a crack through which improvement might be found. The key will be the degree to which you can recognize and apply truth. For example if someone advocates for gangster rap, it may tell you that they have a significantly different value system and philosophy of life from you. You might avoid such people. However, one can do so in less brutal ways.

It is always possible to find some deficiency in others. The critical point is what threshold do you have for differences. If you are ultimately unable to accommodate any differences, you will most likely be lonely. For this reason, it might be beneficial to work on seeing others in terms of their strengths rather than they deficiencies. If you can come to see in others something you can admire or even envy, you might be able to increase your threshold for differences..