Venting Thoughts before ctbing tomorrow

[DarknessInMe]

To be totally clear here: My decision to ctb is determined, there's nothing I'm looking forward to more than to finally be free tomorrow.
This is my third suicide attempt, I've tried hanging myself before but I either got rescued or failed due to SI.
This time, I planned everything out very carefully and will die by poisoning myself with SN. I've booked a hotel room and will arrive there at about 4 pm tomorrow.

Even though everything is prepared and I could just feel calm and relaxed, knowing that I will finally be able to end this torture, I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed and guilty for this step.
I'll leave my family behind, including my twin sister who I had a really close relationship with. I know that I'll destroy them no matter how hard I try to reassure them that it is not their fault at all in a goodbye letter. And this hurts so much since it feels like this step is somehow extremely egoistic. But on the other hand, I just wish they could see it from my perspective.
I'm living in this hell for years now and accepted help again and again. I'm at a point where I don't want to be helped anymore. Life is not for me and never was, if only they could understand this in the slightest.
I just wish someone could take this guilt away from me.

 

[Traveller12724]

To be totally clear here: My decision to ctb is determined, there's nothing I'm looking forward to more than to finally be free tomorrow.
This is my third suicide attempt, I've tried hanging myself before but I either got rescued or failed due to SI.
This time, I planned everything out very carefully and will die by poisoning myself with SN. I've booked a hotel room and will arrive there at about 4 pm tomorrow.

Even though everything is prepared and I could just feel calm and relaxed, knowing that I will finally be able to end this torture, I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed and guilty for this step.
I'll leave my family behind, including my twin sister who I had a really close relationship with. I know that I'll destroy them no matter how hard I try to reassure them that it is not their fault at all in a goodbye letter. And this hurts so much since it feels like this step is somehow extremely egoistic. But on the other hand, I just wish they could see it from my perspective.
I'm living in this hell for years now and accepted help again and again. I'm at a point where I don't want to be helped anymore. Life is not for me and never was, if only they could understand this in the slightest.
I just wish someone could take this guilt away from me.

You must be suffering a lot if their love isn't enough to convince you to stay a little longer, and for that I am truly sorry. Unfortunately there is no way to remove the guilt from this decision, it's the price to be paid for all of us, I guess there really isn't anything free in this fucking life, you even gotta pay a tax for the fucking exit.

 

[tary]

I have similar qualms about dying.
But I console myself with philosophy, among other things.
Is it just and right for me to pretend and to have to pretend to care about this life, and to live only because others would want me to, purely for them to use me like a machine, like Schopenhauer says?
Is it right towards others to be like a living machine towards them?
I'm not responsible for the financial wellbeing of anyone.
People die every day, for the most random and meaningless and preventable reasons. It's a fact of life.
Everyone will have to face people close to them dying at some point in their lives, if they live long enough.

 

[Gone soon]

Good luck

 

[i love you]

I actually originally found this site after researching ways to make myself feel less guilty and scared to actually ctb. I guess that feeling stays with you right until the end. I try not to think about how devastated my parents would be, but those thoughts always creep back up. The one thing that comforts me is how none of that will matter after I'm dead. There is no regret or guilt, just nothingness and it's a scary and incomprehensible thought, but also weirdly comforting.

 

[Onelegman]

Good luck mate, you deserve to escape from that hell and I hope you manage to be happy

 

[Hellish Ore]

Guit it the only thing stopping me too. Ideally, I would want to go right now. I hope that it will be peaceful for you.

 

[DarknessInMe]

Thank you all so much for your replies, this means a lot to me.

@tary, thank you for sharing this quote, this is very soothing to hear. I really needed to see this.

 

[Unknown21]

Goodluck, hope everything goes well for you.