Venting Thoughtless rant about how much I hate myself

[sadlyexisting]

I really fucking hate myself. A few days ago, I basically messed up one of the last few online friendships I have. And that was just because I was being an emotional bitch again that couldn't control her own emotions. I wanted to write them a long text explaining myself, but I can't even do that. I am fucking pathetic. It's really ironic how the pain loneliness gives me makes me lose even more people over and over again.

Everybody around me, everybody I see in my daily life, at school, EVERYONE has partners, friends and family that care about them. Take care of them and love them. Maybe I should just accept that I'll never have people love me or genuinely care about me, especially not in real life.

I always fuck every single thing up, even my ex left me with the words that he can't deal with anyone like me anymore. And to make it even more ironic, he was also severely suicidal and depressed, so if he, a person that can clearly relate to how I feel, cannot stand someone like me, how is a person that doesn't relate supposed to?

I feel so fucking worthless and unlovable. I've basically been unstoppably crying throughout these last few days.

I just even unintentionally tried slicing my own wrists, my head didn't even work anymore, it's difficult to explain, but basically my body just moved on its own and took the nearest knife. It didn't work out, obviously, but man, I just want to die. I want to die in the most amount of pain possible so I can finally feel like I am paying for everything I've done, everyone I've hurt.

I can't do this anymore. Almost everybody hates me, and everybody who doesn't now will most likely do so in the future. I never belonged here, in this fucking jail cell.

 

[SVEN]

If it helps, I don't hate you, heck I don't even dislike you yet !
Maybe you've come to your online home.

 

[sadalways]

I can relate to what you said. The thoughts about being worthless and unlovable eat at your brain, it's completely consumed me, and the fear of losing even more people is just... All i can say is, i really wish you the best and hope that we can find people that appreciate us for who we are. I know, it sounds hard, maybe near impossible, i'm in the same boat and the world feels rigged, like some kind of evil game that just holds everything against us. I don't know if i'm stupid or naive for hoping for things like that, but this is the least i can do, along with saying that i don't hate you in the slightest, and i'm sure others here don't hate you too, i know i'm just another person on the internet, we don't even know each other and my word is just as much as someone elses, but i can relate to you. I'm sending you hugs