Thought of parents

[Mrt]

How to overcome the thought of "how parents would feel after I am gone".

 

[Kyrok]

Hard one. I know two parents of kids who ctb. One is a sick, treats everyone like shit. The other is clearly in pain, even decades later.

If you put enough time into it to fake a cancer diagnosis or make it look like an accident, that could help them.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

How to overcome the thought of "how parents would feel after I am gone".

I agree. That's a very hard question. It's too bad we even have to be preoccupied with it.

 

[ShadowOfTheDay]

I won't pretend to know what it's like to have children, or to experience the loss of one due to suicide. I only know how I feel. And I feel like, if I had a son or daughter as disillusioned with life, and as miserable as I have been these last few months, I would find at least some solace in the knowledge that he/she is finally at peace--no longer suffering.

 

[meaningisgone]

Most of the time, I feel like my parents can fuck themselves. Intellectually, I scold myself for that mentality. Emotionally, I just don't have enough lifeforce left in me to care.

I won't pretend to know what it's like to have children, or to experience the loss of one due to suicide. I only know how I feel. And I feel like, if I had a son or daughter as disillusioned with life, and as miserable as I have been these last few months, I would find at least some solace in the knowledge that he/she is finally at peace--no longer suffering.

I feel the same as you, but I know my mom wouldn't take it like that.

 

[aneurysm]

y

I wrote in my goodbye letter that I'll never be the son my mother wants me to be. I will always disappoint her with my half-ass failures and how I don't like any advice she gives and so I'll will only burden her more as I'll end up hitting my thirties with no way to support myself.

That a very cruel thing to write (I'm not saying that in a judgemental way, just in a factual way). This might look innocent, but it's not. It is a sure way to make her drown in guilt and self-hate and torture. I mean come on, you are basically saying "mom, I killed myself because you couldn't accept me the way I am, imperfect" and then sugarcoating it with "but I love you more than bla bla bla". Openly insulting in your letter her would be 100x much better than that.

 

[ShadowOfTheDay]

y


That a very cruel thing to write (I'm not saying that in a judgemental way, just in a factual way). This might look innocent, but it's not. It is a sure way to make her drown in guilt and self-hate and torture. I mean come on, you are basically saying "mom, I killed myself because you couldn't accept me the way I am, imperfect" and then sugarcoating it with "but I love you more than bla bla bla". Openly insulting in your letter her would be 100x much better than that.

But we don't know the full story, do we? Maybe it's a perfectly appropriate ( if insensitive) response to a lifetime of abuse.

 

[Circles]

y


That a very cruel thing to write (I'm not saying that in a judgemental way, just in a factual way). This might look innocent, but it's not. It is a sure way to make her drown in guilt and self-hate and torture. I mean come on, you are basically saying "mom, I killed myself because you couldn't accept me the way I am, imperfect" and then sugarcoating it with "but I love you more than bla bla bla". Openly insulting in your letter her would be 100x much better than that.

Umm wow okay. No where did I say I put the blame on her, it's the life she thinks would be good for me which I don't fucking want and burden her with my ever growing pathetic existence. Wtf thanks for being blunt. /s

 

[aneurysm]

But we don't know the full story, do we? Maybe it's a perfectly appropriate ( if insensitive) response to a lifetime of abuse.

he looked like he didn't want her to suffer so i assume he loves her. And if he has been abused, then he shouldn't be fake and try to sugarcoat his feelings. He should be honest since he is going to die anyway

"Mom, you are such a bitch.
…."

Something like that.

 

[Circles]

he looked like he didn't want her to suffer so i assume he loves her. And if he has been abused, then he shouldn't be fake and try to sugarcoat his feelings. He should be honest since he is going to die anyway

"Mom, you are such a bitch.
…."

Something like that.

Seriously wtf? I guess I won't write fucking anything at all then.

 

[ShadowOfTheDay]

Seriously wtf? I guess I won't write fucking anything at all then.

Lol. Yeah, that's why, 9 times out of 10, you're better off letting people guess about your "reasons." If you were misunderstood in life, what makes you think people will suddenly understand you in death--i mean unless you're fucking Shakespeare, or something, why even bother leaving a note?

 

[aneurysm]

Umm wow okay. No where did I say I put the blame on her, it's the life she thinks would be good for me which I don't fucking want and burden her with my ever growing pathetic existence. Wtf thanks for being blunt. /s

Hey I was trying to help.
Also I feel like you are playing dumb, you can't be that clueless.
No, you didn't say it but you implied it and you know this is how her brain in going to translate it.
Now, if you want to make her feel guilty it's okay. My post was based on me assuming that you were trying not to hurt her.

Seriously wtf? I guess I won't write fucking anything at all then.

that's if she's been an abusive mother.

 

[snowman626]

This is all Ive been thinking about. Current plan is once my mom goes I'm going too. Then my mind tells me what about my dad? Okay maybe I"ll wait till he dies too then I'll go. Then what about my brother whos around my age? FFS Should I live till I'm fucking 85 just to please everyone? and they call suicides selfish..

 

[Circles]

Hey I was trying to help.
Also I feel like you are playing dumb, you can't be that clueless.
No, you didn't say it but you implied it and you know this is how her brain in going to translate it.
Now, if you want to make her feel guilty it's okay. My post was based on me assuming that you were trying not to hurt her.



that's if she's been an abusive mother.

Trying to help by belittling and being a bit too critical with what I wrote? OKAY.
No where did I explicitly say that anything was her fault. Careful with your wording honey some people actually feel fucking dumb about this shit. Thank you for the fucking splendid support. Seriously think about what you write before criticizing someone else next time and maybe tone the fuck down.

 

[Mrt]

People,

It's not about what someone will write or they won't. It's about how to overcome this feeling of hurting your parents with something that can't be undone. They don't know my situation , I live in a different country. The only way I feel they might slightly feel better is if they somehow come to know that it was an accident.

Right now this is the only thought that's stopping me. Once I overcome it , I should be ready. I think I have to also think on the lines that they won't live my life on my behalf. So If i See a painful and a life with no real love , I should decide on what has to be done with it.
L

I

Trying to help by belittling and being a bit too critical with what I wrote? OKAY.
No where did I explicitly say that anything was her fault. Careful with your wording honey some people actually feel fucking dumb about this shit. Thank you for the fucking splendid support. Seriously think about what you write before criticizing someone else next time and maybe tone the fuck down.

Lets not criticise anyone. Everyone is going through their shit and we have no idea how the other is feeling. Let's respect that.
I

This is all Ive been thinking about. Current plan is once my mom goes I'm going too. Then my mind tells me what about my dad? Okay maybe I"ll wait till he dies too then I'll go. Then what about my brother whos around my age? FFS Should I live till I'm fucking 85 just to please everyone? and they call suicides selfish..

I know. I totally understand.

 

[aneurysm]

Thank you for the fucking splendid support.

Anytime

Trying to help by belittling and being a bit too critical with what I wrote? OKAY.
No where did I explicitly say that anything was her fault. Careful with your wording honey some people actually feel fucking dumb about this shit. Thank you for the fucking splendid support. Seriously think about what you write before criticizing someone else next time and maybe tone the fuck down.

You seem to have been triggered by what I said. If my interpretation is that crazy to you, then why get so butthurt? You should check with your ego not with me.
I have issues too, but you need more self-awareness.

 

[Circles]

Anytime

Oh no the sarcasm. If you have nothing nice to say next time don't fucking say anything at all.

 

[aneurysm]

Oh no the sarcasm. If you have nothing nice to say next time don't fucking say anything at all.

egos so hate being unveiled. My only crime was to make you aware of your actual intentions for writing this note. If you think that's a cute note that will makes you look innocent and make your mom feel better, then feel free to write it, no need to even argue with me.

 

[Circles]

Anytime


You seem to have been triggered by what I said. If my interpretation is that crazy to you, then why get so butthurt? You should check with your ego not with me.
I have issues too, but you need more self-awareness.

You need a reality check that some people are sensitive on this.

egos so hate being unveiled. My only crime was to make you aware of your actual intentions for writing this note. If you think that's a cute note that will makes you look innocent and make your mom feel better, then feel free to write it, no need to even argue with me.

Then stop trying tell me I'm wrong with what I wrote compared to the complete opposite of what you think I wrote. Write down your note and I'll criticize that and see how that feels. Lol Ego? How Alan Watts of you.

 

[aneurysm]

Then stop trying tell me I'm wrong with what I wrote compared to the complete opposite of what you think I wrote. Write down your note and I'll criticize that and see how that feels.

I'm not writing a note because if I want to die in the first place, it's because I feel a sense of alienation to other humans. Also, I don't think I can express how I feel.

I do recognize that I didn't use the best tone of voice and that I was being critical, but I just really think that note was annoying (and shitty). It was insincere, you made yourself look miserable, so many people do that ( unoriginal ). Just read between the lines. Maybe that's just your level of self-awareness idk ( i mean, the way you are experiencing/understand yourself if that makes sense).

Look, I will teach you how to read between the lines :

You need a reality check that some people are sensitive on this.

here you are trying to make me feel shame, like I am an inadequate person.

you can play dumb and deny lol but again, maybe you are just unaware of yourself.

 

[Circles]

I'm not writing a note because if I want to die in the first place, it's because I feel a sense of alienation to other humans. Also, I don't think I can express how I feel.

I do recognize that I didn't use the best tone of voice and that I was being critical, but I just really think that note was annoying (and shitty). It was insincere, you made yourself look miserable, so many people do that ( unoriginal ). Just read between the lines. Maybe that's just your level of self-awareness idk ( i mean, the way you are experiencing/understand yourself if that makes sense).

Look, I will teach you how to read between the lines :


here you are trying to make me feel shame, like I am an inadequate person.

you can play dumb and deny lol but again, maybe you are just unaware of yourself.

I'm just not playing your fucking game. Ignored. Goodnight.

 

[ShadowOfTheDay]

I'm just not playing your fucking game. Ignored. Goodnight.

Night, circles. I understand how you feel. Really do.

 

[Mrt]

The purpose of this thread was to share if someone is also going through these feelings . What are they doing about it.

 

[Mybattle]

This is eating me up alive... I'm sitting right next to her and every time I think about it I need to go to the bathroom to cry, my mom has done everything for me, if I CTB She might not overcome it... well I'm sure of this, she has done nothing to deserve this. She has given me so much I might as well stick a knife in her back. I hate this fucking piece of shit world. But I am suffering so hard that it is not sustainable... and I am being a burden too... I wish I had a choice. FUCK THIS WORLD

 

[Mrt]

With you dear . I feel the same. But everyday pain is not sustainable.

 

[Jayxtri]

Does it even matter

 

[DepressionsAHo]

This is eating me up alive... I'm sitting right next to her and every time I think about it I need to go to the bathroom to cry, my mom has done everything for me, if I CTB She might not overcome it... well I'm sure of this, she has done nothing to deserve this. She has given me so much I might as well stick a knife in her back. I hate this fucking piece of shit world. But I am suffering so hard that it is not sustainable... and I am being a burden too... I wish I had a choice. FUCK THIS WORLD

Same. Shes the reason I got out of my abuse as a kid. She's who fought for my life. She's who broke court orders in desperate efforts to keep me safe. She's who I go to when I break down. She's who has done nothing but love me my entire life no matter what fault I may do. She's the one who sat with me for hours without judgement helping me with my issues. She's done nothing but support me my entire life. I look at her and I break. I read once on Reddit a parent who lost her daughter and her story ripped a hole straight through my heart. I broke down at work and sobbed. I'll try to link it if I can find it

@Mybattle
Well I can't link it but this is it along with the other picture

 

[Mybattle]

Does it even matter

What do you mean does it even matter.... if you destroy your mother who has done everything for you? Well in my case yes it does... I know families differ and maybe you dont have good parents then I dont judge but my mom has ALWAYS been there for me when there was something with me she always rushed to me to help I will rip her heart out with this shit. I cant fucking do this to her and I will try to fight it with everything I got. I don't know how long I can but I will...

Same. Shes the reason I got out of my abuse as a kid. She's who fought for my life. She's who broke court orders in desperate efforts to keep me safe. She's who I go to when I break down. She's who has done nothing but love me my entire life no matter what fault I may do. She's the one who sat with me for hours without judgement helping me with my issues. She's done nothing but support me my entire life. I look at her and I break. I read once on Reddit a parent who lost her daughter and her story ripped a hole straight through my heart. I broke down at work and sobbed. I'll try to link it if I can find it
View attachment 8810
@Mybattle
Well I can't link it but this is it along with the other pictureView attachment 8811

Im so sorry man you are dealing with this too, thats why I say fuck this world... Maybe I should just bare the torture Im in ,till I cannot go no more and just drop dead. I am sorry you feel this shit too. I read the story but I did not need to, I know exactly what I will do to her. She will never be the same....

 

[406metallicblue]

Trying to make it look like an accident is the best you can do, but options are limited. I am renovating a house in which a petrol generator can be placed in an enclosed space legitimately. The best i can hope for is the idea that i drank too much pastis and lost awareness of the danger of the exercise. Scatter a few tools around and hope for a verdict of misadventure while under the influence of alcohol and various benzos that i've been prescribed. It might not be entirely convincing but at least there might be some doubt, and not an out and out suicide for my mother to deal with. As mentioned thet other option is to try to hang on until she passes, it might be another 20 years. My brother and sister i'm estranged from so it's less of an issue and the few friends i have will get over it with time and their busy lives.

 

[interim]

Here are some points:

1. they are grown up people, with even more experience then you. If you are big enough to handle suicide, they are big enough to handle it also.
2. they are at least to some degree part of the reasons. Even by giving you birth in the first place, but also providing you the starting conditions for your life. My situation was not that terrible, but not great either. Shitty country, poor family, single mom, bullied in school, lack of communication... It's really not that surprising it came to this...
3. If you stay alive, what it is really the benefit for your parent(s)? I can't find a good woman, create a family, make my mom happy... I gave up also on the idea to make a lot of money, there is just so much corruption in this world... People are simple creatures, there is no topics left to really talk about. So I actually see it as a good thing, to leave for her what I've saved so far, so she can live the rest of her life without thinking for physical needs.
4. Will your death really be such a drama? Considering my empty life, I don't think it provides any benefit to my parent(s). There will be initial shock, sure, but then, it may be more peaceful, since they don't need to think what I should do with my life any more... They can focus on themselves, and stop concerning with me. I think it's a sign of egocentrism to think everything spins around us, and our parents can't have a better life on their own...

So it really depends on how bad your situation is. If you have a semi-normal life, it's always tough to end it, and maybe you should really consider alternatives. But if there is truly no reason to continue, IMO parents are not a factor. You can't live for them, it should be the opposite, and if you can't live for yourself, make them proud, your existence as a vegetable doesn't help them in any way...