In the past year or so I've come to the conclusion that almost my entire life has been wrong. I delved into all aspects of time travel to change things but alas, here I am in the same timeline that should not be.
Because I'm in the wrong life, each step forward is a step deeper into the forest of regret. This has caused a curious condition where each day is the worst day of my life due to the cumulative weight of the preceding days. This feeling can even be felt in real time as each moment being worse than the preceding one. I manage to do some healthy behaviors and distract myself from the moment-by-moment torture but the overall day feeling is there. I feel like a racoon with it's paw caught in a trap on the verge of gnawing off it's leg to survive except my life itself is the paw and "survival" entails not being here anymore.
Of course this isn't they type of thing I can share with others. Even if I bring up time travel or regrets the subject gets shooed away. I am trying to muster the energy and focus to methodically put my affairs in order. This is sort of a bind because in order to do this I need to recover if I want to ctb in a way I find meets the minimum requires of respectability on my part. I grew up with a relative that used threats of suicide to emotionally blackmail others and had a real disdain for the idea of it because of that. I can't believe I find myself actually considering it. I truly feel like I've in the wrong version of reality. I'm not sure if this is a condition like derealization or just what it is.
Because I'm in the wrong life, each step forward is a step deeper into the forest of regret. This has caused a curious condition where each day is the worst day of my life due to the cumulative weight of the preceding days. This feeling can even be felt in real time as each moment being worse than the preceding one. I manage to do some healthy behaviors and distract myself from the moment-by-moment torture but the overall day feeling is there. I feel like a racoon with it's paw caught in a trap on the verge of gnawing off it's leg to survive except my life itself is the paw and "survival" entails not being here anymore.
Of course this isn't they type of thing I can share with others. Even if I bring up time travel or regrets the subject gets shooed away. I am trying to muster the energy and focus to methodically put my affairs in order. This is sort of a bind because in order to do this I need to recover if I want to ctb in a way I find meets the minimum requires of respectability on my part. I grew up with a relative that used threats of suicide to emotionally blackmail others and had a real disdain for the idea of it because of that. I can't believe I find myself actually considering it. I truly feel like I've in the wrong version of reality. I'm not sure if this is a condition like derealization or just what it is.
