Thought I was doing better but anxiety is a lifelong curse

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

So I've been away from the boards for a bit. I've been trying to improve myself and pick up the pieces from depression. Unfortunately it seems that I can attempt all I like, my mind just doesn't want to play ball. There is a part of me that keeps trying, and another part that always finds a problem no matter what. It's like I'm constantly at war with myself.

Anyway, this was all brought to like again recently, as I'm attempting to go back to school. I am finding that I am plagued with anxiety and trepidation every time I have to do any kind of in-person meeting with someone at the college, or really any type of school-related errand in general. I dropped out of university 13 years ago the first time I tried education, and I can't help but feel this is going to be a repeat performance. I can already envision myself backpedaling and making excuses as to why I can't do this.

The only time I can really "function" is when I'm at home doing nothing. When I'm invisible to the world. Any time I leave my apartment I feel self-conscious and like everyone's looking at me or thinks I'm weird. I can't stand it. I'm also just nervous in general, doing anything. It manifests as me saying something awkward or just not being as fluid as I'd like. And the thing is, I've tried my best to put on a good show over the years, but it's all just incredibly draining. I feel like I'm putting on a suit of armor every time I leave the house.

I just hate that I still can't seem to finally beat this for once and for all. I'm stuck in the same patterns as when I was a teenager. I can't ever make life progress like this.

 

[Empty Smile]

Welcome back.

Anxiety is a bitch.

I'm glad you went and tried to better yourself. Don't let this setback stop you though. Try again if you must.

 

[Final Escape]

So I've been away from the boards for a bit. I've been trying to improve myself and pick up the pieces from depression. Unfortunately it seems that I can attempt all I like, my mind just doesn't want to play ball. There is a part of me that keeps trying, and another part that always finds a problem no matter what. It's like I'm constantly at war with myself.

Anyway, this was all brought to like again recently, as I'm attempting to go back to school. I am finding that I am plagued with anxiety and trepidation every time I have to do any kind of in-person meeting with someone at the college, or really any type of school-related errand in general. I dropped out of university 13 years ago the first time I tried education, and I can't help but feel this is going to be a repeat performance. I can already envision myself backpedaling and making excuses as to why I can't do this.

The only time I can really "function" is when I'm at home doing nothing. When I'm invisible to the world. Any time I leave my apartment I feel self-conscious and like everyone's looking at me or thinks I'm weird. I can't stand it. I'm also just nervous in general, doing anything. It manifests as me saying something awkward or just not being as fluid as I'd like. And the thing is, I've tried my best to put on a good show over the years, but it's all just incredibly draining. I feel like I'm putting on a suit of armor every time I leave the house.

I just hate that I still can't seem to finally beat this for once and for all. I'm stuck in the same patterns as when I was a teenager. I can't ever make life progress like this.

I think u should try NA meetings. I'm not saying it's the answer to everything. A lady that I might choose as my sponsor was saying yesterday after the meeting that every adult should go to NA and work the program because it's about this very thing u talk about. To help u learn life skills and coping tools. There's often many good male role models in there and men open up about their stuff. It's pretty deep. It's worth a shot. Best of all it's free, they pass around a donation basket but they aren't forcing anything on u. You arent goin to be forced to believe in God or forced to get a sponsor. They encourage it but u can just take your time. I'm goin to actually get a sponsor and work the program and see if it actually helps me and I'll let u know how it goes. It's a lot deeper than just an addiction program. It's about helping people change and grow.

 

[Youthanasia]

While I agree that anxiety can be absolutely annoying, something the docs don't say is that the best way to deal with it isnt a pill

Exercise and then even certain spices (Like laurel or peppermint) always worked better than anything else. Physical activity is the absolute nemesis of anxiety though. Nothing beats it.

 

[Deleted member 1496]

I think u should try NA meetings.

If one isn't on narcotics, is it still okay to go, or do you get looks that you shouldn't be there? Thanks.

 

[redxiii]

anxiety and depression is a horrible combo :(

be proud of yourself for fighting and attempting uni again, i imagine would be scary for most people even without anxiety!

 

[Exile]

I have been feeling somewhat better lately but it doesn't take much for me to spiral back down.

 

[ShadowOfTheDay]

If one isn't on narcotics, is it still okay to go, or do you get looks that you shouldn't be there? Thanks.

Most meetings will be designated as either "open," or "closed." Open meetings, as their name suggests, are open to anyone--including active drug-users and those with no addiction issues at all, but who may have family or friends who are addicts. Closed meetings are meant only for addicts who at least have a desire to quit using.

But, of course, you are not obligated to share your life story if you don't feel like it. You can just sit and listen, which is what I've usually done--i'm an alcoholic (not interested pills, or anything), but it's really all the same thing, imo.

 

[Deleted member 1496]

Most meetings will be designated as either "open," or "closed." Open meetings, as their name suggests, are open to anyone--including active drug-users and those with no addiction issues at all, but who may have family or friends who are addicts. Closed meetings are meant only for addicts who at least have a desire to quit using.

But, of course, you are not obligated to share your life story if you don't feel like it. You can just sit and listen, which is what I've usually done--i'm an alcoholic (not interested pills, or anything), but it's really all the same thing, imo.

Thanks. This helps a lot. Especially with something personal like NA, I'm always afraid I'm going to mess it up not by being mean, but just by not knowing protocol. Thanks again!

 

[Life sucks]

I'm still looking for a way to exit life and still doing my freelance work and trying to improve. Life sucks and is paradoxical and will end anyway.

I have countless problems and specifically mental problems although I'm trying to do something in the fucking life not because I want it but because I need to support myself until I find a way to ctb.

It is hard to do thing, when one continue living, countless suffering is there. When one tries to stop, the methods are hard and the easy ones aren't for everyone.