Those who have seriously hurt others, how do you forgive yourself?

[CowsAreCool]

My girlfriend cheated on me during our long term relationship. I found out. We had a fight, and I was hospitalized after my first and only attempt.

I said everything and anything. Anything I could to make her feel a fraction of the pain and suffering I felt. I went after every insecurity. Every flaw. I didn't mean it, but it was said. I held back nothing. I can't quote what I said. It's something I'll take to my grave. But its something I'll never forgive myself for.

No matter what I do, I'll always be the person who did what I did, and who said what I said. Its been way too long for me to just re-enter her life and apologize. Not that that would even help. My life has imploded since that day. Every day gets harder, and I just tell myself its punishment. Its been over 3 years, and not a day has been easier than the day before it.

That was the last day I spoke to her, after a 3 year relationship. She was my first everything. I was told she broke down after our fight, and dropped out of college. Shes on drugs now, lives with her parents, and is a complete shell of who I had dated. Theres nothing left of the girl I knew. Nothing. I know its my fault.

I can't enjoy any memory. Any thought even of that period in my life makes me sick to my stomach. I've never tried to hurt people. I let my anxiety get the best of me, and when faced with total abandonment and betrayal, I lashed out and hurt someone. Someone who didn't deserve it

How can I forgive myself, if I even should?

 

[freedompass]

Right, she cheated on you, you were (understandably) upset and went off at her, as people do when they're upset. So you told her some hurtful 'home truths'. Later you hear that she dropped out of school and is on drugs.

How is any of that your fault? Why can't you 'forgive yourself?' Your ex is a free agent. There is no cause effect correlation between what you said and how her life is unfolding. Perhaps you are overestimating your own power here.

 

[timf]

Being betrayed by someone you trust hurts. You already know thew depth of pain this hurt causes. People who have been hurt often strike back. She set in motion this chain of events and bears the responsibility for it. We all would like to think we would behave better when hurt, however, the truth is that it is a natural reflex to strike out at someone who hurts us, we call it self-defense.

Her present circumstance is not so much the result of your actions, but a continuation of her inclination towards self-destructive self-indulgence that you first observed with her infidelity.

 

[escapefromabuse]

Be easy on yourself. I did the exact same thing to my ex after she took off on me with our kids 1.5 years after we bought a house together. You have every right to be angry, as did I. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is to cut any and all contact with her, pick up the pieces, heal, and move on with your life as best you can.

 

[saninh.suk]

You were just reacting. By this whole story, we can see how awful she is.

She was your first, but you deserved better.

 

[Clearly Canadian]

Right, she cheated on you, you were (understandably) upset and went off at her, as people do when they're upset. So you told her some hurtful 'home truths'. Later you hear that she dropped out of school and is on drugs.

How is any of that your fault? Why can't you 'forgive yourself?' Your ex is a free agent. There is no cause effect correlation between what you said and how her life is unfolding. Perhaps you are overestimating your own power here.

Well said fredompass

 

[Meliæ]

There is a point this does not matter anymore to me, what I did or said, nor what will happen in the future