Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
Multiple kinda constant rejections this week.
Sighssss (haaaaa means sighs but my brother made me feel insecure about that. So I've been changing it sometimes.)
But anyway haaaaaaaaaa
I'm sick of this world. 2 workers judging and barly wanting to be in contact. So... well... that's obvious on what to do. My aunt gave my cousin my uncles(who passed away like September 2021) gave her his car but was denying being my godmother to my grandma and was saying how she didn't want to support me.
She hasn't answered or called back since the weekend and with this new info I doubt she will unless she's been in some kinda accident or smthin I cannot see a reason why other than not wanting to support me so.
My employment counsellor has offically said "fuck you go find a job with the disability services" there was 2 jobs that would be such an amazing fit for me but I needed some help applying she kept asking if I applied to the disability employment services. I told her already that I did. Yayyy isnt it great when people decide for u already what u can and cannot do...
My own father hasnt called or texted me in almost a week.
Sooo yuppppp.... I'm gonna be going into my own head space for a bit fully ignoring my emails, text messages and anything else. Told one of my friend about these things and in subtle words that Im not wanting to live but told told her I'll contact her sometime next week like around Wednesday wnd that im not ok but im still here and at the very least plan to be or whatever. I wish wanting to die came with less guilt tbh... like its my life that Im ending but unfortunately the effects can rebound way farther than just myself ya kno?
But rn it seems like the people who would truly be impacted are like 2 or 3 or smthin maybe im under counting some folks but ugh its just in my nature to think of others. Dying and just thinking about myself takes a lot and its not something my beart is capable of holding on to.
I think im just generally fucking sick of this world y'all. When im just completely ignoring messages and stuff it feels soooo good and soo like peaceful? Yeahh peaceful is what I would call it. Its not sustainable though. Like maybe I can live like this for a month but next week I have a doctors appt and tbh its just gettiing her to do some forms and making sure she does some referalls. Gonna fake being hopefuly and happy with her as to not alarm to anything and then I can go back to my own self imposed misery. Tbh if I send her the forms in the mail I could maybe do the appt online but better to see her in person.
ANYWAY. My point is that life is better/decent when I don't have to fucking interact with anyone / be forced to. Thats what it feels like these days. Being forced to interact and all that shit. Its fucking shit honestly. Interacting here and stuff... thats fine. Otherwise. Its shit. Im tired of living. Death is calling and I would like to answer. It doesn't matter anymore. My life is worth so much less than I was starting to believe. So. Yeah.
Maybe I'll order some incense... bc we are still in a heat wave and I don't have a walker or wheelchair yet to like get myself around safely. Which is depressing in and of itself. Maybe I'll uber there and back? Shall see and tbh wouldn't be the worst way to spend my money. Incense are a feel good kinda thing for me so
I went to one appt with a worker and that was a mistake so ended up canceling the other. Have therapy booked on Saturday but just wanna fucking cancel. She didn't even send an email of the coping skills that we talked about cb I asked bc having that outer reminder is really helpful for my brain. But y'all should've seen her face on Sunday she was judging me so fucking hard. It made it harder ti talk everytime.
Anyway. I'm just gonna try to relax now. Had to get some of this off my chest. Thnx as always y'all for just having this space.
Sighssss (haaaaa means sighs but my brother made me feel insecure about that. So I've been changing it sometimes.)
But anyway haaaaaaaaaa
I'm sick of this world. 2 workers judging and barly wanting to be in contact. So... well... that's obvious on what to do. My aunt gave my cousin my uncles(who passed away like September 2021) gave her his car but was denying being my godmother to my grandma and was saying how she didn't want to support me. She hasn't answered or called back since the weekend and with this new info I doubt she will unless she's been in some kinda accident or smthin I cannot see a reason why other than not wanting to support me so.
My employment counsellor has offically said "fuck you go find a job with the disability services" there was 2 jobs that would be such an amazing fit for me but I needed some help applying she kept asking if I applied to the disability employment services. I told her already that I did. Yayyy isnt it great when people decide for u already what u can and cannot do...
My own father hasnt called or texted me in almost a week.
Sooo yuppppp.... I'm gonna be going into my own head space for a bit fully ignoring my emails, text messages and anything else. Told one of my friend about these things and in subtle words that Im not wanting to live but told told her I'll contact her sometime next week like around Wednesday wnd that im not ok but im still here and at the very least plan to be or whatever. I wish wanting to die came with less guilt tbh... like its my life that Im ending but unfortunately the effects can rebound way farther than just myself ya kno?
But rn it seems like the people who would truly be impacted are like 2 or 3 or smthin maybe im under counting some folks but ugh its just in my nature to think of others. Dying and just thinking about myself takes a lot and its not something my beart is capable of holding on to.
I think im just generally fucking sick of this world y'all. When im just completely ignoring messages and stuff it feels soooo good and soo like peaceful? Yeahh peaceful is what I would call it. Its not sustainable though. Like maybe I can live like this for a month but
next week I have a doctors appt and tbh its just gettiing her to do some forms and making sure she does some referalls. Gonna fake being hopefuly and happy with her as to not alarm to anything and then I can go back to my own self imposed misery. Tbh if I send her the forms in the mail I could maybe do the appt online but better to see her in person.ANYWAY. My point is that life is better/decent when I don't have to fucking interact with anyone / be forced to. Thats what it feels like these days. Being forced to interact and all that shit. Its fucking shit honestly. Interacting here and stuff... thats fine. Otherwise. Its shit. Im tired of living. Death is calling and I would like to answer. It doesn't matter anymore. My life is worth so much less than I was starting to believe. So. Yeah.
Maybe I'll order some incense... bc we are still in a heat wave and I don't have a walker or wheelchair yet to like get myself around safely. Which is depressing in and of itself. Maybe I'll uber there and back? Shall see and tbh wouldn't be the worst way to spend my money. Incense are a feel good kinda thing for me so
I went to one appt with a worker and that was a mistake so ended up canceling the other. Have therapy booked on Saturday but just wanna fucking cancel. She didn't even send an email of the coping skills that we talked about cb I asked bc having that outer reminder is really helpful for my brain. But y'all should've seen her face on Sunday she was judging me so fucking hard. It made it harder ti talk everytime.
Anyway. I'm just gonna try to relax now. Had to get some of this off my chest. Thnx as always y'all for just having this space.
