Venting This weight is especially heavy on my chest tonight

[OldGod]

A couple days into my two week leave from work. My SN comes on the 28th. I thought I could try to let go and enjoy myself until then but I just can't.

My phone is pretty dry. I mean, there's a few girls hitting me up but honestly I'm not interested. I'm still thinking about this girl that just left. Her therapist told her she should cut me off, so she did. She thinks I'm too negative, I'm toxic, my personality disorder scares her, things like that. "I don't think we mesh well and I don't think I'd want to be with someone like you". Just that last part really stings. "like you". Like I'm a monster or something. I admit that I've made mistakes but I've always had remorse and had every intention on correcting them. The slightest bumps in the road were too much for her though. Two months ago, we were so comfortable we weren't even closing the door to pee. We were open about everything. Now, strangers. It just hurts a lot. I can't tell if it's all my fault, or partly hers, or all her fault. I don't trust my own point of view anymore because of my mental health.

Normally if I had this much time to myself I would be playing a game, or watching a movie, or doing something productive. I just don't have it in me. I've been pacing around my apartment all day. Switching rooms, laying down, standing up, I can't get this off my mind. I really want a drink. I've been drinking every day now, sometimes even during the day. Not to get hammered, just a couple drinks usually helps me relax. But I wake up early in the morning so I'm usually tired earlier in the day. If I drink I'm afraid it'll just make me want to go to bed.

I'm not sure what to do. There's all these things I could do, I just don't want to. The only thing I want to do, I can't. A position I think most people on this forum can relate to. It's crazy, if I wanted I could call a girl over or I could get some drinks or go to the bar or see a movie or chill with people and I just don't want any of that. I'm completely at a loss. I'm wasting time literally doing nothing and it sucks.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I'm sorry you are in pain by that girl leaving, and how her words really hurt you. I hope you are able to rest and feel better.

 

[OldGod]

I'm sorry you are in pain by that girl leaving, and how her words really hurt you. I hope you are able to rest and feel better.

Thank you, I had a drink to help me fall asleep and today it still hurts but not as bad as last night I suppose.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry that the girl you liked left you, it hurts and I can relate to it a bit (I had a ladyfriend that hurt me with her behavior and actions). Whatever you choose to do, whether it is to continue living or finding peace, I wish you the best.

 

[Largeletters]

I'm sorry about the girl, though I can assure you there are more women in this world who can relate, and will stick around despite your hurdles.

 

[OldGod]

Thanks guys. I wish I still thought it would get better but sadly this is far from the first time. It just gets old very fast.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hey luv..Sorry to hear of ur pain..I think heartache is prob the worst type of pain to go thru. I am going thru it myself. It affects EVERYTHING. Not only is it emotional pain, but excruciating physical pain as well..I feel u..

Maybe u can just use this break to get ur mind together n see how u can best accommodate each other's needs..Put YOU first n how u can make your life better, then she can come along n complete u. U sound like a really amazing, loving guy, who is just dealing with hurt..U can still work this out bro..I'm rooting for u. We're rooting for u

As I told someone else, if she's the reason for u wanting to ctb, don't do it!
NO ONE is worth YOU taking YOUR life..

 

[OldGod]

Hey luv..Sorry to hear of ur pain..I think heartache is prob the worst type of pain to go thru. I am going thru it myself. It affects EVERYTHING. Not only is it emotional pain, but excruciating physical pain as well..I feel u..

Maybe u can just use this break to get ur mind together n see how u can best accommodate each other's needs..Put YOU first n how u can make your life better, then she can come along n complete u. U sound like a really amazing, loving guy, who is just dealing with hurt..U can still work this out bro..I'm rooting for u. We're rooting for u

As I told someone else, if she's the reason for u wanting to ctb, don't do it!
NO ONE is worth YOU taking YOUR life..

This is a really sweet message. I used to be filled with hope when it came to things like this. I would tell myself "I'm going to work on myself and be better, then one day she'll come back and I'll be ready". And every time, I see them with another guy pretty quickly. Usually within a month or so, sometimes the same day, the pattern has been repeated quite a few times. I don't think this time will be any different. I had really high hopes for this one, she's definitely not like the rest or at least I thought but maybe I was just blinded and trusted too quickly. Lately she's been a completely different person, or maybe just who she always was and I couldn't see. It's a maze trying to make sense of it.

 

[Largeletters]

Thanks guys. I wish I still thought it would get better but sadly this is far from the first time. It just gets old very fast.

I'm sorry dude. You seem deserving of love. Hoping you find it soon

 

[Lostandfound7]

I get it..Well, maybe she, like the others, just doesn't deserve u..

 

[NeverMatteredAnyway]

Men always want what they cant have
People always want what they cant have
The only thing Ive learned:
Another person is NEVER the answer. So if theyre never the answer, they should never be whatever this is either.
If she was meant to stick around she would have. Words are meaningless. Look at those hurtful words for what they are : meaningless
My advice: Try not to use alcohol. Its a depressant and mood destabilizer. Its sneeky and destructive when youre hurting and vulnerable.
You have cute girls hitting up your phone? After the alcohol is 100% outa your system (the down from after drinking) go have fun. Fake it til you make it. Youll find another girl. Just be open to the one who likes you!

 

[OldGod]

I'm sorry dude. You seem deserving of love. Hoping you find it soon

That feels good to hear. I've heard it before too. However it begs the question; why haven't I found it yet? It's an interesting paradox. Maybe I push people away. Maybe the well is dry. These questions have rattled my brain for years. Who knows?

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm sorry she was so cold and unkind about leaving. It's pretty heartless to rub salt in the wounds when someone leaves. Try to do things that make you feel good, and we are here for you. I'm here if you ever need a friend or someone to talk to. You're never alone with us.

 

[OldGod]

Men always want what they cant have
People always want what they cant have
The only thing Ive learned:
Another person is NEVER the answer. So if theyre never the answer, they should never be whatever this is either.
If she was meant to stick around she would have. Words are meaningless. Look at those hurtful words for what they are : meaningless
My advice: Try not to use alcohol. Its a depressant and mood destabilizer. Its sneeky and destructive when youre hurting and vulnerable.
You have cute girls hitting up your phone? After the alcohol is 100% outa your system (the down from after drinking) go have fun. Fake it til you make it. Youll find another girl. Just be open to the one who likes you!

This made me chuckle.

The thing with alcohol, my mother was an alcoholic and my father was an addict. I've managed to escape if for most of my life but after high school the pain was just too much. I haven't drank every day but this past month I can't help it. I can't sleep. I've tried every medication available and my doctor won't give me any more. I wake up after 3-4 hours exactly, usually from chronic nightmares. I dream about my anxieties, things I'm fearful of. Even worse, I dream of things I want and can't have and wake up reminding myself that it can never be. I have a couple beers or a couple glasses of wine to pacify me, it's the only thing that helps. Then I don't dream at all. During the day, I have a drink or two and it calms my thoughts and turns the sadness into rage which I prefer. It's really all I have.

I'm sorry she was so cold and unkind about leaving. It's pretty heartless to rub salt in the wounds when someone leaves. Try to do things that make you feel good, and we are here for you. I'm here if you ever need a friend or someone to talk to. You're never alone with us.

I asked her to be blunt with me. I'm very hurt by what she said but also, she's not exactly the most socially adept person. She misses a lot of cues and I just don't think she knows how to interact with another person when it comes to sensitive subjects like this. Then her anxiety gets a hold of her and she gets defensive in order to protect herself. It's a mess of things, but it's not entirely her fault. That doesn't change the fact that it hurts though. She even said "if we still talk and I end up getting with someone else I know it's going to be a huge blow out fight." that's the one that really killed me. She's been changing her reasons to leave me like every week. First she wasn't ready, then I was too much to handle, then it was because she wasn't ready, she said she didn't want a relationship or sex at all, then she started flirting with me one day and got upset when I got upset with her about it, then she's talking about the possibility of getting with another person. None of it makes any sense, I don't think she even makes sense to herself. It hurts a lot though. Things didn't used to be like this. It was quite perfect to be honest.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Men always want what they cant have
People always want what they cant have
The only thing Ive learned:
Another person is NEVER the answer. So if theyre never the answer, they should never be whatever this is either.
If she was meant to stick around she would have. Words are meaningless. Look at those hurtful words for what they are : meaningless
My advice: Try not to use alcohol. Its a depressant and mood destabilizer. Its sneeky and destructive when youre hurting and vulnerable.
You have cute girls hitting up your phone? After the alcohol is 100% outa your system (the down from after drinking) go have fun. Fake it til you make it. Youll find another girl. Just be open to the one who likes you!

THIS!

 

[NeverMatteredAnyway]

This is a really sweet message. I used to be filled with hope when it came to things like this. I would tell myself "I'm going to work on myself and be better, then one day she'll come back and I'll be ready". And every time, I see them with another guy pretty quickly. Usually within a month or so, sometimes the same day, the pattern has been repeated quite a few times. I don't think this time will be any different. I had really high hopes for this one, she's definitely not like the rest or at least I thought but maybe I was just blinded and trusted too quickly. Lately she's been a completely different person, or maybe just who she always was and I couldn't see. It's a maze trying to make sense of it.

She's not the right one. You wont need to suffer like this at all when you find the right one. But it takes you needing to recognize this. Thats the part of you that needs changed. Not whatever you thought you needed to change for this girl. (My opinion of course)

 

[OldGod]

I'm getting emotional support on a suicide forum and my Facebook is dry. This is so warped lmao

She's not the right one. You wont need to suffer like this at all when you find the right one. But it takes you needing to recognize this. Thats the part of you that needs changed. Not whatever you thought you needed to change for this girl. (My opinion of course)

Sometimes I think about that, sometimes I wonder if she just wasn't ready which she did tell me. She's only had two boyfriends aside from me and one of them was abusive. She's in the middle of a court case with him. I dunno, it's hard to say.

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm getting emotional support on a suicide forum and my Facebook is dry. This is so warped lmao

Social media does more harm than good imo. Best part of this group aside from the awesome methods and pleasurably logical guides is the love we all have for one another. You're loved and valued. Sorry she sucks. I cant let go either it's bs.

 

[NeverMatteredAnyway]

This made me chuckle.

The thing with alcohol, my mother was an alcoholic and my father was an addict. I've managed to escape if for most of my life but after high school the pain was just too much. I haven't drank every day but this past month I can't help it. I can't sleep. I've tried every medication available and my doctor won't give me any more. I wake up after 3-4 hours exactly, usually from chronic nightmares. I dream about my anxieties, things I'm fearful of. Even worse, I dream of things I want and can't have and wake up reminding myself that it can never be. I have a couple beers or a couple glasses of wine to pacify me, it's the only thing that helps. Then I don't dream at all. During the day, I have a drink or two and it calms my thoughts and turns the sadness into rage which I prefer. It's really all I have.


I asked her to be blunt with me. I'm very hurt by what she said but also, she's not exactly the most socially adept person. She misses a lot of cues and I just don't think she knows how to interact with another person when it comes to sensitive subjects like this. Then her anxiety gets a hold of her and she gets defensive in order to protect herself. It's a mess of things, but it's not entirely her fault. That doesn't change the fact that it hurts though. She even said "if we still talk and I end up getting with someone else I know it's going to be a huge blow out fight." that's the one that really killed me. She's been changing her reasons to leave me like every week. First she wasn't ready, then I was too much to handle, then it was because she wasn't ready, she said she didn't want a relationship or sex at all, then she started flirting with me one day and got upset when I got upset with her about it, then she's talking about the possibility of getting with another person. None of it makes any sense, I don't think she even makes sense to herself. It hurts a lot though. Things didn't used to be like this. It was quite perfect to be honest.

Ok to address what you said about alcohol: its like a 2 faced friend. Its helping you sleep wo nightmares now, but the more you use it, other destructive things pop up that it ends up doing later. Maybe youre mind is fighting to work through your pain in your sleep. Maybe its doing its job. Maybe youre supposed to be having a hard time right now. Its not going to be forever. Sucks for now but everything changes. Im all about trying to ease pain, but alcohol is just such an asshole lol its not a real friend. Go running. Get exhausted physically. Youll sleep more than those tortured 4 hours. My opinion

I'm getting emotional support on a suicide forum and my Facebook is dry. This is so warped lmao


Sometimes I think about that, sometimes I wonder if she just wasn't ready which she did tell me. She's only had two boyfriends aside from me and one of them was abusive. She's in the middle of a court case with him. I dunno, it's hard to say.

Shes definitely not the one. You'll find the one. Find 10 in the meantime lol sometimes healing is just about hanging out and watching movies with people and waiting it out. My opinion

 

[OldGod]

Ok to address what you said about alcohol: its like a 2 faced friend. Its helping you sleep wo nightmares now, but the more you use it, other destructive things pop up that it ends up doing later. Maybe youre mind is fighting to work through your pain in your sleep. Maybe its doing its job. Maybe youre supposed to be having a hard time right now. Its not going to be forever. Sucks for now but everything changes. Im all about trying to ease pain, but alcohol is just such an asshole lol its not a real friend. Go running. Get exhausted physically. Youll sleep more than those tortured 4 hours. My opinion

I feel like I really don't have the strength to feel all this raw pain. The only memories I have in my new apartment are with her. I can't look at a single corner of the room without having a flashback about her. Shit sucks.

 

[Ghost2211]

What about marijuana instead of alcohol? It doesn't have the addictive or dependency elements, and if you eat small amounts it will just help you be a little sleepy instead of getting wasted

 

[OldGod]

What about marijuana instead of alcohol? It doesn't have the addictive or dependency elements, and if you eat small amounts it will just help you be a little sleepy instead of getting wasted

I used to be a huge pot head in high school but something happened after and one time I got high and it triggered this shakiness for me and anxiety. So no more weed for me I'm afraid.

 

[Ghost2211]

I used to be a huge pot head in high school but something happened after and one time I got high and it triggered this shakiness for me and anxiety. So no more weed for me I'm afraid.

Wow, that sucks. It could have been a bad batch, at laced. Eating it also has a completely different effect than smoking it. It's much more body central than mental. I'm in a similar situation to you, and I have to see my ex every single day because of the kids. I have to stay at least moderately sober so I can be a parent, but taking the edge off makes it so I can survive another day. I can't tell you it will get better Because for me at least it has not. I can tell you that The acute overstimulation will improve with time. The best thing I can tell you is to keep yourself distracted and busy To help get you through the initial shock and pain. Take the time to do things that especially make you feel good, and let yourself cry it out. Never be afraid to reach out to us, and you can always feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to you. I am on here way too much lol

 

[NeverMatteredAnyway]

I feel like I really don't have the strength to feel all this raw pain. The only memories I have in my new apartment are with her. I can't look at a single corner of the room without having a flashback about her. Shit sucks.

I can identify with this so much it kills me. 1 time. 2 invite someone over, eat food, watch a movie. Get some new memories, even if you feel they dont compare right now. 3 raw is good. When youre old and look back, youll miss this, crazy as it sounds :)
Lol not suggesting you have sex with these girls hitting up your phone bc since youre still trippin on this one girl, youll just break these other girls hearts. So dont do that. Just be friends with them for now

 

[Largeletters]

That feels good to hear. I've heard it before too. However it begs the question; why haven't I found it yet? It's an interesting paradox. Maybe I push people away. Maybe the well is dry. These questions have rattled my brain for years. Who knows?

I wish I could tell you. There's someone for everyone, so I know there's a girl out there who will love and care for you just as you do for her. Maybe you just have yet to find the right person?

 

[justfloating]

A couple days into my two week leave from work. My SN comes on the 28th. I thought I could try to let go and enjoy myself until then but I just can't.

My phone is pretty dry. I mean, there's a few girls hitting me up but honestly I'm not interested. I'm still thinking about this girl that just left. Her therapist told her she should cut me off, so she did. She thinks I'm too negative, I'm toxic, my personality disorder scares her, things like that. "I don't think we mesh well and I don't think I'd want to be with someone like you". Just that last part really stings. "like you". Like I'm a monster or something. I admit that I've made mistakes but I've always had remorse and had every intention on correcting them. The slightest bumps in the road were too much for her though. Two months ago, we were so comfortable we weren't even closing the door to pee. We were open about everything. Now, strangers. It just hurts a lot. I can't tell if it's all my fault, or partly hers, or all her fault. I don't trust my own point of view anymore because of my mental health.

Normally if I had this much time to myself I would be playing a game, or watching a movie, or doing something productive. I just don't have it in me. I've been pacing around my apartment all day. Switching rooms, laying down, standing up, I can't get this off my mind. I really want a drink. I've been drinking every day now, sometimes even during the day. Not to get hammered, just a couple drinks usually helps me relax. But I wake up early in the morning so I'm usually tired earlier in the day. If I drink I'm afraid it'll just make me want to go to bed.

I'm not sure what to do. There's all these things I could do, I just don't want to. The only thing I want to do, I can't. A position I think most people on this forum can relate to. It's crazy, if I wanted I could call a girl over or I could get some drinks or go to the bar or see a movie or chill with people and I just don't want any of that. I'm completely at a loss. I'm wasting time literally doing nothing and it sucks.

I get you completely. My boyfriend broke up with me which hurt be we remained friends. When I because suicidal and couldnt cope he had people telling him to cut me off and he did, so did my best friend. Everyday I feel like I can't breathe without them. I spend time with other friends at times but I feel empty when im with them as nothing compares to what I had. I'm not sure if I've lost him forever but if I have its going to push me over the edge

 

[OldGod]

I get you completely. My boyfriend broke up with me which hurt be we remained friends. When I because suicidal and couldnt cope he had people telling him to cut me off and he did, so did my best friend. Everyday I feel like I can't breathe without them. I spend time with other friends at times but I feel empty when im with them as nothing compares to what I had. I'm not sure if I've lost him forever but if I have its going to push me over the edge

That's exactly how I've been feeling. I'm really sorry to hear the same happened to you. Do you have a CTB plan or are you trying to get through?

 

[justfloating]

That's exactly how I've been feeling. I'm really sorry to hear the same happened to you. Do you have a CTB plan or are you trying to get through?

I am waiting for h,i to decide. He has said he will meet up with me in the near future so we can talk, however this could be days aways or it could be weeks, or he will change his mind and refuse to see me. I hate to say it but how the conversation goes will determine if I CTB or not, I'm not going to tell him this obvi. Ive got ideas of how I will do it if he cuts me off completely though im not completely sure yet, but I would do it straight after our conversation.

In the time until I see him things could change and I may decide suicide isn't the right choice for me, but who knows.

I love him and because he can't be with me when I die I am going to call him before I do it because I want to hear his voice as it calms me.

Have you any plans ?