This is a rant with a hope that somehow someone knows how to fix my stupidity. I talked how i became stupid in why you wanna cbt thread.
Since i have been rendered stupid in november i was forced to face every single day with this stupidity and being forced to i guess see the love of my life grow old and live out her life without me. Its even really difficult for me to complain articularly because of my stupidity. Im just forced to look at life every day and not be able to do anything about it. At least before i was able to cover up and distract myself from my cowarfice towards the only person ever for me. I did not have super anxiety around people. I did have it sometimes. But it wasnt like life stopping. A relationship was very plausible for me and i was just hoping that things would work out. But now i cant even distract myself with anyone.
I will be starting a juice and herbs regimen soon.
I donno my spirit had been sort of nullified and broken by this experience.
And if this juice and herbs thing doesnt work this whatever i am at this point is going to have to face many many days and many many years knowing full well that this is going to be a day in hell. Because i am very afraid of death . I did not even think i was that scared of it till that moment.
I imagine what its like to choke to death or be gasping for air or have your brain be not fully blown out by a bullet. I dont see myself being able to drink something poisonous. Or even sit myself with an exit bag...
So this is whats up.
Addition
I don't have anymore redeeming qualities.
One more year of this and i will probably do it.
Since i have been rendered stupid in november i was forced to face every single day with this stupidity and being forced to i guess see the love of my life grow old and live out her life without me. Its even really difficult for me to complain articularly because of my stupidity. Im just forced to look at life every day and not be able to do anything about it. At least before i was able to cover up and distract myself from my cowarfice towards the only person ever for me. I did not have super anxiety around people. I did have it sometimes. But it wasnt like life stopping. A relationship was very plausible for me and i was just hoping that things would work out. But now i cant even distract myself with anyone.
I will be starting a juice and herbs regimen soon.
I donno my spirit had been sort of nullified and broken by this experience.
And if this juice and herbs thing doesnt work this whatever i am at this point is going to have to face many many days and many many years knowing full well that this is going to be a day in hell. Because i am very afraid of death . I did not even think i was that scared of it till that moment.
I imagine what its like to choke to death or be gasping for air or have your brain be not fully blown out by a bullet. I dont see myself being able to drink something poisonous. Or even sit myself with an exit bag...
So this is whats up.
Addition
I don't have anymore redeeming qualities.
One more year of this and i will probably do it.
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