Hey - wanted to share a little tidbit -
I found this site a couple months ago after three years on disability for major depression. I have made more attempts than I can count. My worst had me in a six-day coma followed by a laundry list of complications. I no longer fear hell, because I've lived it. I believe heaven and hell both exist right here on earth and that we have very little control over where we end up between them.
But I've stopped attempting, at least for now.
It's not because of any of the "treatment" I received. "Treatment" tried to kill the parts of my character which, I realize now, were the only ones worth keeping.
What I needed was inspiration. I needed dreams. I needed to feel useful. I needed purpose.
"Treatment"'s advice: If you're living in a halfway house and working in a bowling alley, you'll be happier than how you are now.
...no. I wouldn't be. I'd rather die.
That's not "entitlement", "narcissism", or any of the other shaming words. It has nothing to do with money or anything material. It is simply no longer feasible to wake up for that purpose. I would rather be asleep. Presented with that alternative as my so-called "choice", I chose to remain asleep, for nearly four years.
So what awoke me?
Entrepreneurship.
Out of nowhere, my mind was gifted with the business idea of a lifetime, and I am running with it.
I literally exist for no other purpose than to create this business. I am doing it not because it's going to be profitable - though it absolutely will be - but rather, because I know that what I am doing will make the world a better place. The idea that I can make the world a better place is what makes me want to be awake and alive.
If this project fails, I will be suicidal again, I have no doubt. But I don't think it will. And even if this turns out to be delusion, it will still have been more productive than anything from the last four years. Even if this only serves to peacefully kill a few months' worth of time, those months will have been less painful than any of my time in "treatment".
As for this site? I did find a partner. We made plans. We never executed them. We just kept talking about it. Eventually we dropped all things suicide from the discussion and just carried on as good friends.
So, first of all, to this site, thank you. You contributed to my recovery.
And to others - I will NEVER make the mistake of believing that I can offer advice worth a dime to anyone. I hated when people insisted their words were what I needed; I won't fall into that trap from the other side. But I am happy to help anyone who wants my help, in whatever ways that would be within my ability to help.
I found this site a couple months ago after three years on disability for major depression. I have made more attempts than I can count. My worst had me in a six-day coma followed by a laundry list of complications. I no longer fear hell, because I've lived it. I believe heaven and hell both exist right here on earth and that we have very little control over where we end up between them.
But I've stopped attempting, at least for now.
It's not because of any of the "treatment" I received. "Treatment" tried to kill the parts of my character which, I realize now, were the only ones worth keeping.
What I needed was inspiration. I needed dreams. I needed to feel useful. I needed purpose.
"Treatment"'s advice: If you're living in a halfway house and working in a bowling alley, you'll be happier than how you are now.
...no. I wouldn't be. I'd rather die.
That's not "entitlement", "narcissism", or any of the other shaming words. It has nothing to do with money or anything material. It is simply no longer feasible to wake up for that purpose. I would rather be asleep. Presented with that alternative as my so-called "choice", I chose to remain asleep, for nearly four years.
So what awoke me?
Entrepreneurship.
Out of nowhere, my mind was gifted with the business idea of a lifetime, and I am running with it.
I literally exist for no other purpose than to create this business. I am doing it not because it's going to be profitable - though it absolutely will be - but rather, because I know that what I am doing will make the world a better place. The idea that I can make the world a better place is what makes me want to be awake and alive.
If this project fails, I will be suicidal again, I have no doubt. But I don't think it will. And even if this turns out to be delusion, it will still have been more productive than anything from the last four years. Even if this only serves to peacefully kill a few months' worth of time, those months will have been less painful than any of my time in "treatment".
As for this site? I did find a partner. We made plans. We never executed them. We just kept talking about it. Eventually we dropped all things suicide from the discussion and just carried on as good friends.
So, first of all, to this site, thank you. You contributed to my recovery.
And to others - I will NEVER make the mistake of believing that I can offer advice worth a dime to anyone. I hated when people insisted their words were what I needed; I won't fall into that trap from the other side. But I am happy to help anyone who wants my help, in whatever ways that would be within my ability to help.
