You didn't fail to keep him alive, don't blame yourself. All we can do is try and others still have as much freewill as we have at the end of the day. You don't deserve pain nor does anyone else, life and this world are just cruel. I'm sorry you've been through so much and I wish you the best with the therapies and any other route you decide to pursue. Maybe see if there's any way to get out of that house, even just leaving on walks outside sometimes to give yourself some time away.
My apartment underneath my family's house, that I spent time lovingly decorating, is now a constant reminder of what I lost and how our last hour and a half ever, sometimes the horrid 3-4 days before his death as well, together play out in front of me. I cannot escape.
My room that was once my beautiful, aesthetically designed, Taylor Swift sanctum, is now the most horrifying place for me to be. I cannot even sleep in my own bed. I have to sleep on my living room couch.
**TRIGGER WARNING, I DESCRIBE THE EVENTS LEADING UP TO HIS DEATH AND FINDING HIM BELOW**
I feel like it has to be my fault no matter what anyone says. Family, friends, therapists, you have all told me I am not at fault. I didn't ask him to text me when he got home. I was hard on him that last night and told him that his constant SI was killing me and exhausting all my emotional resources. I quit my job for him at the beginning of the month so I could be on near 24/7 SI watch. Fuck, I tried so hard to keep him alive that whole month, and then that night I slipped... He kissed me passionately goodbye (which was odd since all month he told me that he "felt cruel kissing me since he knew what he wanted to do"), said I love you first (also strange for the same stated reason as before)... I refused to get out of bed to hug him goodbye, and I shouted to him as he was walking away "I love you too *his name*"... he shouted back "I love you *my name*" and closed the front door, leaving. I cried to Taylor's music and considered my own SI that was already starting to form... We texted back and forth for a bit. I accused him of not caring about me... he texted back at 8:13 pm "I do care about you *my name* a lot". Then, (I know bc his iCloud notes, accessed on his MacBook by me, he documented every drug and what time he took it that month) at 8:20 pm he took SN (from a regimen he learned on this website) and probably died by CTB from his OCD between 9-9:30 pm (my estimate). I discovered him at around 4 pm the next day, after searching for him all morning and tracing his credit card from the iCloud keychain to a hotel 5 minutes from my house. I discovered him first in the room, then his dad followed in after me. Fuck, I cannot get my repeated screaming out of my head after I touched his body and the entire thing moved. His dad yelling, "No, no, no" and his mother's screams on the end of the phone when he told he what we found. She wasn't even on speaker phone. The image of me falling to the floor in a curled ball full of incessant tears, then climbing into bed and forcing my arm under his so I could be the big spoon one last time like he always loved. I kissed him and sobbed... His dad climbs in the bed with us... the police eventually come...
Sorry I had to let it out. It haunts me...
You didn't fail to keep him alive, don't blame yourself. All we can do is try and others still have as much freewill as we have at the end of the day. You don't deserve pain nor does anyone else, life and this world are just cruel. I'm sorry you've been through so much and I wish you the best with the therapies and any other route you decide to pursue. Maybe see if there's any way to get out of that house, even just leaving on walks outside sometimes to give yourself some time away.
Getting out of the house is complicated as I am on suicide watch by my family, even though I am not currently getting along with them since our entire relationship they told me to break up with him due to his extreme social anxiety and OCD. They didn't care that I loved him, that we were in love, and planned on getting married in the future. I was the first person to prove to him that he could have a romantic, fulfilling relationship with another person bc he believed no one would love him entirely for him and all his quirks... but I did... I do... I don't want anyone else :(