Venting This one step separates me from happiness or a peaceful death — and I can’t do it.

[Nati]

21. Basically emotionally disabled as I don't get any satisfaction in anything, even the stuff I "like to do", which mean I don't really do much. I live in my parents house pretty comfortably, physically. I got a spacious room, good food and anything else I might want I have my own money to take care of it.
But.. I feel stuck. I feel exactly the same as 4 years ago when it truly hit me that there's a very slight chance I'll get out of this situation. The road I'm currently on ends with me, in my parents house, dying from natural causes because for some reason I can't bring myself to suicide. I think it might be because I'm too comfortable and I have nothing to push me. No pressure from work, no obligation.. I'm basically a plant.
So.. I wanted to push myself out of the house. Rent an apartment and see what will happen. It's gotta be positive. Either I'll be forced to go out and socialize (groceries, stores) and I'll find life more "sufferable" or I'll finally be pressured to kill myself and actually succeed this time.
But.. I have too much anxiety to even do this! Just the thought of calling someone to ask about an apartment is making me breath hard and literally shake! I just can't see myself do the first step of committing to a lease. I know it probably will be easier after that but I just can't.
Maybe I'm simply spoiled. Maybe I'm actually disabled and something is wrong with my brain. This or that.. I don't think it matters. I'm doomed either way.
Cancer would be so much easier, God!

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you have to deal with so much anxiety, I know it can make doing things very hard. I think in many cases, people are only able to bring themselves to ctb when they get completely desperate and they cannot take the pain of living anymore. This is because the SI can be hard to overcome and I believe that ctb is very difficult. If it was easier to leave, I would already be gone. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[dreadpirateroberts69]

Finding an apartment and moving out of your parents' house is a huge, but imo noble step. Do you have friends you could move with? Having roommates could make this transition easier for you as well as cut down on rent.

 

[Nati]

Finding an apartment and moving out of your parents' house is a huge, but imo noble step. Do you have friends you could move with? Having roommates could make this transition easier for you as well as cut down on rent.

I guess.. I didn't think of it as a huge step because in my mind I just wanted a place to be alone in quiet. 'Don't need much. A room with a bed and a tv. I'll talk once with the owner and then I won't need to talk with anyone'. Now after I tried I feel like I got slapped in the face… feel like I got my legs amputated and I'm trying to walk but the world keeps reminding me I got no legs…
Don't go out of the house much so no friends..

 

[dreadpirateroberts69]

I guess.. I didn't think of it as a huge step because in my mind I just wanted a place to be alone in quiet. 'Don't need much. A room with a bed and a tv. I'll talk once with the owner and then I won't need to talk with anyone'. Now after I tried I feel like I got slapped in the face… feel like I got my legs amputated and I'm trying to walk but the world keeps reminding me I got no legs…
Don't go out of the house much so no friends..

I gotcha... I guess all I meant was, I assumed that you were young (as many are on this site), and believe that moving out of your parents' place for the first time is indeed a big step in one's life. But that sounds rough regardless... sorry you're dealing with that. Anxiety can be crippling.

 

[rationaltake]

Could your parents give you a hand with moving out? It is a big step as it is unknown. But it is easier once you've done it for the first time and had someone to show you the ropes.

 

[Nati]

Could your parents give you a hand with moving out? It is a big step as it is unknown. But it is easier once you've done it for the first time and had someone to show you the ropes.

I love them and they did and do so much for me but tbh I don't think they're with me on this… this is the hardest.. being alone and having no one to talk to that will understand the pain. probably why I go on these sites..

 

[rationaltake]

I love them and they did and do so much for me but tbh I don't think they're with me on this… this is the hardest.. being alone and having no one to talk to that will understand the pain. probably why I go on these sites..

I see. It is difficult.