Venting THIS NEEDS TO END!

[PoisonedJuliet]

I want to ctb so bad right now. I've lost all hope but I have no f*ing resources. I'm so lost. I'm scared. I'm shaking. I'm done.

I can't leave but I can't stay. I wish I could just go to bed tonight and never wake up. I wish things were easier. I'm in so much mental and physical pain right now.

I hate myself. I hate this world. I hate it all. It's pointless. We all die anyway and what difference does it make if we're alive or dead?

I know I'm being irrational right now but I don't want to listen to the rational side of me. I'm stuck in this wretched place and I don't know what to do.

This is so hard. I'm so so tired. I want to go. I want to blink and everything is over.

I need some help guys. I'm so cold and scared and tired and done with it all. I can't do it anymore. I just can't.
I just want to end it all. End everything at once.

the end... I wish

 

[Lostandfound7]

I know the feeling hun.I'm here for u.is there anything u wanna talk about?

 

[SettOne1994]

if us is not ok im from europe you can talk to me

 

[MsMaudlin]

Hey @PoisonedJuliet I totally understand your frustration.
Do you want to talk? We are always here ❤

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

I'm so lost. I don't want to keep going. I'm constantly in so much pain and I'm exhausted from dealing with it all the time. I truly cannot see a point to living right now. I don't see what life will do for me or others. I just want no thoughts no drama no nothing. Just an empty void forever

 

[MsMaudlin]

I'm so lost. I don't want to keep going. I'm constantly in so much pain and I'm exhausted from dealing with it all the time. I truly cannot see a point to living right now. I don't see what life will do for me or others. I just want no thoughts no drama no nothing. Just an empty void forever

I have the constant pain thing too, thats why I will be CTB.
It's exhausting, debilitating, cruel, you wouldn't let a pet live in constant pain, but it's OK for us humans?

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

I don't have any means to end it either. I feel helpless and it's unsettling to know i don't have a way to end it if and when I want to. I want a safety net. I want to know that I could ctb any day. That would be helpful
It's so exhausting @MsMaudlin. I'm so tired all the time because of it. I hate this body that I'm living in and I've dreamt about clawing my skin open and just having my soul fly away. Leave this place forever and maybe find some peace.

 

[Lady black]

For me it´s also helpful that I know I could hang myself whenever I want. Maybe you should look for an easy method and prepare everything, so that you have the feeling you are able to die when you want.

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

Really the only option I have right now is partial hanging but I know I would probably mess it up and the only thing worse than where I'm at right now is being a vegetable who's still alive and is still in the pain that I'm in but who definitely cant end it anymore. I'm always wishing for that magic button you press than poof... you're gone

 

[MsMaudlin]

@PoisonedJuliet can I ask about your pain?
❤

 

[Lady black]

This button is the dream of many people. But why not doing full suspension? It´s more safe and will work. And no it isn´t that painful as some people tell. I have tried it, passed out and was saved...

 

[jgm63]

If you're certain that you want to CTB then have you thought about what method you might use, because that would be a first step.....

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

To answer @jgm63 question. The only methods I've thought about were hanging either full or partial but I don't really have a good place to do full and I'd probably f*ck up partial and I don't want to end up a vegetable so I'm kinda stuck here.

To answer @Lady black. I don't have a preferable space for full.

To answer @MsMaudlin question. I suffer from constant physical pain in my back, legs, feet, knees, chest, headaches, pretty much my entire body. I've suffered from mental and emotional pain for all my life. I first got sent to therapy when I was in fourth grade. I have bipolar and anxiety and I feel fake. There is either pain or emptiness. Either or situation. Life feels pointless and feels like nothing to me. I'm numb to it

 

[jgm63]

If hanging were your chosen method, this thread may have some good info :

Spoiler: hanging-comfortably

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/hanging-comfortably.28034/

There is also this one :

Spoiler: how-to-hang-yourself-improved-information

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/how-to-hang-yourself-improved-information.24972/

Have you considered SN ?

 

[Lady black]

suffer from constant physical pain in my back, legs, feet, knees, chest, headaches, pretty much my entire body. I've suffered from mental and emotional pain for all my life. I first got sent to therapy when I was in fourth grade. I have bipolar and anxiety and I feel fake. There is either pain or emptiness. Either or situation. Life feels pointless and feels like nothing to me. I'm numb to it

I have a few similar problems. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to contact me. It´s sad what are going through

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

Sharing a house rn and don't want someone else to open the package. I wish I lived by myself. It would make it so much easier.

 

[jgm63]

Sharing a house rn and don't want someone else to open the package. I wish I lived by myself. It would make it so much easier.

ok, perhaps a PO Box ?

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

ok, perhaps a PO Box ?

Possibly... that is a good idea. I'll look into seeing if I can get one set up

 

[jgm63]

Possibly... that is a good idea. I'll look into seeing if I can get one set up

In some cases there are private companies that may provide the service.
Maybe try googling "po box near me"

 

[Lucifer'sRight]

you can go to the resource section, practical guide to suicide and see whether there is any medication that a doctor can prescribe you that you could ctb with. sleeoing pills, strong painkillers etc. then you'll just need some time to gather it but if you have a record of any kind you just need to lie to the doctor for some time to gather enough, up the dose after some time. if you know ANYONE who's good with deep web you can buy any kind of drugs on there and it's quite reliable, maybe you can find someone in here, but be careful, obviously some people like to be assholes. i'm really sorry that you're in this shit right now, many of us know the exact same feeling it helps me when i decide to just completely give up on any effort, just do the minimum for a few days, but let go in my kind completely, it lets the emotins flow and they pass, if i resist my pain it's a hundred times stronger. do you have a chronic physical condition?

 

[Eurus]

Hi,I'm gonna read these posts to see how you are doing currently because I just caught this convo but I'll comment my thoughts after I have context
I know the empty void thing,I've been wishing for it myself lately,hanging is a good way(my way)there are also other ways depending on your locale and altitude if you have an accessible point of access all routes aiming toward our one destination,I digress,your pain I hope there to be no more of and I hope all goes well thru your pain,my well wishes and light your way I send!

 

[Deleted member 1465]

@PoisonedJuliet recently I feel kind of the same. Physical illness, pain and the mental torture that goes with it wears you down. Even the strongest person is eventually worn away by this relentless erosion. I wish so much I could help you. I don't want you to feel like this, for any of us to feel like this; that we have to actually makes me angry, at what I don't know but it's anger I feel. And sadness. I'm so sorry that I don't have any solutions for you any more than I have for myself. But I'm here, as long as I can be and I'll always listen. If you admit you are feeling irrational, if you can hunker down and endure until that passes, then that would be a better place to make decisions in.

 

[Iloveyouall]

I feel fake

You're not fake, your pain seems very real, it seems a constitutive part of you as you say it's constant and here since always. I can't imagine how hard it is.
As you said, maybe having a method and having it all prepared could be a good mental pain relief at least, as you would have that some kind of a "magic button" ready somewhere (even if it's nothing like it, I admit). I wish you find a way to feel less suffering. You're brave.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I'm so sorry life is so bad for you right now. I hope you are doing better than you were earlier. If you need someone to talk to I'm here.

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

Thank you all so much. I went to bed last night for a long time and I woke up feeling better I think? But I still want to ctb. I feel calm about my feeling which is something I've never felt before. Again I want to thank all of you for your kind words and love. I'm just going to take it day by day now

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I'm glad to know you are feeling better. It's good to try to take things day by day. I have to do that too.

 

[AintNoWayOut]

the pain is endless for me, and today something happened which has truly made me realize how much it has destroyed me as a person. its like i've already died once, and my second time dying will be once i cease breathing. this isnt a life worth living, this isnt how shit was supposed to go. we get one shot and mine got all fucked up. i cant take it, just fucking end me. i'd rather die than keep living in this prison, its just not beneficial to myself or anyone around me.