This might be goodbye

[backtoearth]

I am going to try CTB this week at some point, I have a few things to figure out first but I really can't hold on much longer. Met my dealer for (hopefully) the last time for some stuff to help with SI so I'm praying the fifth time's a charm. I just wanted to pop on here and thank everyone for the kind words and care that as been shown to me in my short time here, and especially thank the mods for keeping this place running through all the media attention and backlash - you guys are incredible and I honestly wish the absolute best for you. Thank you for giving us a place to be real and honest about what we feel and giving us a community where we feel less isolated and fucked up.

I won't be going into my method or anything because it's not my preferred way to go but I have done enough research to feel confidant in my decision and don't want the comments turning into an advice thread (no offence meant), if I fail again I'm going to OD to get admitted into hospital so even if it comes to that I probably won't be around here for a while. I'll be on here a bit while I tie up loose ends and maybe write notes (idk if I even have the energy but I want to try). I love you guys and hope you all find the peace you are searching for <3

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best of luck with your plans, I hope that you find the peace you search for.

 

[backtoearth]

I couldn't do it, I got so fucking ill and now there's not a day where I'm properly home alone and feel confident attempting anything where I could be found too early. I really feel like this is a sign that it's not the right time yet, but god I am so angry at myself and this stupid fucking flu right now

 

[backtoearth]

I missed every fucking chance I had to run away or ctb, I have to go home - I have to do another holiday season. It has been sprung on me that we will probably be going to another family's house on Boxing Day which is just adding more stress and panic to the mix. How have I been so unorganized and cowardly to do something - fucking anything - to get out of this. I am having more psychotic episodes now that it is becoming real. I am so scared. I have spent hours in a catatonic state over the last couple days, I don't know how I will get through this without a serious episode or something that will ruin everything for my family. I'm scared of the way that I am ruining my own life but also too scared of failing an attempt to try anything serious; I'm too scared of going inpatient to get help but too delusional to stay engaged with what outpatient we have; I'm scared of myself and what my life has become and my past and what else will happen in the future, I'm scared of the people close to me and scared of being alone and fucking terrified of my delusions, scared of being trapped in my flat forever but too scared of outside to do anything about it, scared of life and scared of death. How can someone even exist like this? Why can't I just get put down or get ill or get in an accident?

 

[Redacted24]

What you're describing sounds awful. Sorry I don't have any real advice, but holidays are generally stressful all around so others will also be dealing with their own versions of it.
Breathing will help you identify opportunities to get to the outcome you're seeking. Clever like a fox, right?

 

[oddetoad]

I think that thinking of all the years you're gonna be forced to be in the hospital beds alone or all the future diseases you can get can help with SI and stress but that's just me

I hope the stress and anxiety goes away for you and that you get what you want