Venting this isn't fair

[nonchalantexit]

I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for more than a decade now. With unrelenting frequency since my health took a dive 5 years ago. But I kept myself going for those close to me. I wish I had been selfish instead. I could've found SN or N years ago with ease. I could've bought SN off of fucking Amazon. Now I'm at the mercy of members here to share an SN source. I'm not a very sociable or talkative person, so I fear my pleas will go unheard. I've spent countless hours searching for a source only to end up nowhere. Just another aspect of life I am a failure in. I worry I'll have to resort to messier means. I'd like just a little bit of control in my life, even if it is at the end. I've watched those around me progress in their life- find love, start families, explore the world. And here I am. Forced to watch in envy. I'm so tired and I want this to stop.

It just isn't fair. But you already knew that.

 

[KillingPain267]

I don't even envy others. I just want my pain to be gone and meaninglessness to end.

 

[nonchalantexit]

I don't even envy others. I just want my pain to be gone and meaninglessness to end.

I envy your ability to not look in envy

 

[GoatHerder]

No one can pm you with only 2 posts, I think it unlocks at about 5+ posts. Click on someone's name and if it says 'start conversation' you can pm.

 

[msesis]

I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for more than a decade now. With unrelenting frequency since my health took a dive 5 years ago. But I kept myself going for those close to me. I wish I had been selfish instead. I could've found SN or N years ago with ease. I could've bought SN off of fucking Amazon. Now I'm at the mercy of members here to share an SN source. I'm not a very sociable or talkative person, so I fear my pleas will go unheard. I've spent countless hours searching for a source only to end up nowhere. Just another aspect of life I am a failure in. I worry I'll have to resort to messier means. I'd like just a little bit of control in my life, even if it is at the end. I've watched those around me progress in their life- find love, start families, explore the world. And here I am. Forced to watch in envy. I'm so tired and I want this to stop.

It just isn't fair. But you already knew that.

Where are you located?

 

[nonchalantexit]

No one can pm you with only 2 posts, I think it unlocks at about 5+ posts. Click on someone's name and if it says 'start conversation' you can pm.

I knew my PM abilities were locked still, I just struggle to write about my thoughts. I wish I could leave this planet without having to detail why I'm so broken

Where are you located?

US

 

[msesis]

I knew my PM abilities were locked still, I just struggle to write about my thoughts. I wish I could leave this planet without having to detail why I'm so broken

US

When you get access to PMs, feel free to PM me about SN

 

[locked*n*loaded]

How do you search for SN? What search engine do you use? You're not going to get anywhere with Google or Bing. They censor. So do many others.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling so tired of suffering in this existence, I personally find it so cruel how suicide isn't straightforward with people feeling stuck in an existence they wish to be permanently free from. It truly is so unfair how people cannot just have the option to die painlessly, in my case I really wish I had Nembutal, I wish for a death like never waking again. But anyway I wish you the best, I hope that you find what you search for.