This isn't a life I'm living (my life is slow and painful)

[Hursitsahu]

I break down almost every 3 days and never had understood earlier why I literally couldn't change my self image of being a wrong, disgusting, arrogant, sly, dishonest, intrinsically just low person, I've never felt that I deserved the title of a "man" I've been always made to feel as if I've wasted money, caused everyone sadness, sorrow and trouble for my own selfish gains ans happiness. all of thia I felt not because I actually am that bad of a person but because my father has narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies and I've been Gaslighted science I was a child (a form of psychological abuse, making the victim question their judgement, perception, memory etc by making them question and double everything about themselves) I know myself to be fairly capable artistically and creativity but I am 20 years old and currently only have a high school digree. My father literally has a panic attack of I hint at going someplace else for college (he starts saying things like I am not even able to go to the store and buy something essential, and that I will never be able to go to regular college I'll have to do online courses from home) and I tend to beleive him, I am completely disgusted with myself and I'm completely alone in this, they also internally blame me for my brother's suicide one thing I remember that makes me sweat whenever I think about it. I remember my father telling me something like "you told him that psychological pain and consciousness end after death" after my brother died, I don't remember the time or place and can't even picture this visually but I know he told me this, he has this ability to slip things like this into my mind and has been doing this with so many other things, he has never stood up for me as a child, I was always on the wrong. This "life" no one deserves to live, I am done questioning myself and feeling like I am scum Sorry.

 

[Meowkin]

I break down almost every 3 days and never had understood earlier why I literally couldn't change my self image of being a wrong, disgusting, arrogant, sly, dishonest, intrinsically just low person, I've never felt that I deserved the title of a "man" I've been always made to feel as if I've wasted money, caused everyone sadness, sorrow and trouble for my own selfish gains ans happiness. all of thia I felt not because I actually am that bad of a person but because my father has narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies and I've been Gaslighted science I was a child (a form of psychological abuse, making the victim question their judgement, perception, memory etc by making them question and double everything about themselves) I know myself to be fairly capable artistically and creativity but I am 20 years old and currently only have a high school digree. My father literally has a panic attack of I hint at going someplace else for college (he starts saying things like I am not even able to go to the store and buy something essential, and that I will never be able to go to regular college I'll have to do online courses from home) and I tend to beleive him, I am completely disgusted with myself and I'm completely alone in this, they also internally blame me for my brother's suicide one thing I remember that makes me sweat whenever I think about it. I remember my father telling me something like "you told him that psychological pain and consciousness end after death" after my brother died, I don't remember the time or place and can't even picture this visually but I know he told me this, he has this ability to slip things like this into my mind and has been doing this with so many other things, he has never stood up for me as a child, I was always on the wrong. This "life" no one deserves to live, I am done questioning myself and feeling like I am scum Sorry.

Growing up with someone like that is truly damaging. Please don't apologise for anything. It sounds like you've apologised for a lot of things that weren't your fault for a long time. You deserve happiness and to be free from people in your life that bring you down.

 

[Hursitsahu]

Growing up with someone like that is truly damaging. Please don't apologise for anything. It sounds like you've apologised for a lot of things that weren't your fault for a long time. You deserve happiness and to be free from people in your life that bring you down.

Your don't know HOW much this reply means to me. Thank you.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I second @Meowkin's reply.

He made up that story about what you said to your brother. He makes up stories about your capabilities. I'd say go to school where tf you want, reveal nothing to him about what you do or experience while you're there, and start finding out what you're capable of. I'd say once you rely on him for nothing, go full no contact and be free to live your own life and experience reality as it really is, not as how he defines it. He's twisted, and tries to twist your perception of yourself and everything else. Total narcissist/sociopath/psychopath/sadist.

Edit: It's my assumption he made up those things. Of course I don't know, it was presumptuous of me to say your father made things up, but it fits in the narrative you've given and in the narcissistic/sociopath way of doing things. I spoke with more authority than I have, I was speaking strongly because I am defensive on your behalf, and I have a tendency to grow bigger to make smaller one who abusively makes others smaller.

 

[mcmileable]

I remember my father telling me something like "you told him that psychological pain and consciousness end after death" after my brother died

I am sorry to hear that. Your father is not treating you fairly, to put it mildly. This is not the type of thing someone who cares about you would say. Your father may think he cares about you, and a part of him may actually care about you. but he is also way too self-absorbed to be a positive presence for you or lend you any meaningful support. You need space. I would implore you to start thinking about how you can distance yourself from him.

 

[Walilamdzi]

I have to weigh in that although I was academically prepared for college, as soon as I got there I had a nervous breakdown... so there is some truth that someone isn't always ready to spread their wings.

 

[Hursitsahu]

I have to weigh in that although I was academically prepared for college, as soon as I got there I had a nervous breakdown... so there is some truth that someone isn't always ready to spread their wings.

I have no problem "spreading my wings" I'm being oppressed and held back, I'm not here by choice. The first thing I'm doing after the lockdown ends is apply for colleges and getting out of here anyhow, everything around me is a trigger to how awful I am, the most prime ones being my parents. It feels so awful that I have to defend this, I've never had a nervous breakdown in my life and by "breaking down" I meant get exhausted trying to have a life worth living, trying all that I could to feel valid and not like a gross dishonest, disloyal troll, and then failing and questioning why the fuck am I actually doing this.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I have no problem "spreading my wings" I'm being oppressed and held back, I'm not here by choice. The first thing I'm doing after the lockdown ends is apply for colleges and getting out of here anyhow, everything around me is a trigger to how awful I am, the most prime ones being my parents. It feels so awful that I have to defend this, I've never had a nervous breakdown in my life and by "breaking down" I meant get exhausted trying to have a life worth living, trying all that I could to feel valid and not like a gross dishonest, disloyal troll, and then failing and questioning why the fuck am I actually doing this.

What you're surrounded by, and the false burdens put on you -- that's exhausting. Sounds like you get a ton of scapegoating, and also what I call scapemuling, making another carry not only false blame, but false burdens.

 

[Walilamdzi]

I have no problem "spreading my wings" I'm being oppressed and held back, I'm not here by choice. The first thing I'm doing after the lockdown ends is apply for colleges and getting out of here anyhow, everything around me is a trigger to how awful I am, the most prime ones being my parents. It feels so awful that I have to defend this, I've never had a nervous breakdown in my life and by "breaking down" I meant get exhausted trying to have a life worth living, trying all that I could to feel valid and not like a gross dishonest, disloyal troll, and then failing and questioning why the fuck am I actually doing this.

I wasn't implying you do, I was just giving my perspective that I thought I'd be able to solve everything moving away and I was too unstable to actually manage that.