Venting This is unbearable

[Nanako]

I was going to type a long post going over everything that's been happening in detail but I don't have the energy to do even that. I'm so tired. I really, really, really want to die. So bad. But I don't have the money or the means to do it right now. My parents would find out. I'm so unbelievably unlucky. I can't take this anymore, why does it have to be so hellish? I was bawling my eyes out and praying for something or someone to just kill me, so desperate that I almost began to beg for like a supernatural force or whatever to just end me then and there. I don't even have the energy to pretend that I'm fine around others anymore, my family will find out and they'll become increasingly on high alert around me. Thinking about how much longer I'll have to take this is almost driving me MAD, I need to be calm but this is so hard.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

I'm sorry. I know what you mean about hoping for some sort of divine intervention to end it all. A therapist once told me that people like us who suffer so much, so often, have become well equip to deal with it. Thats how we've made it so far. Terrible irony.

 

[PreussenBlueJay]

If your family is kind and understanding then I think you should try to be around them as much as possible. Friends too. It's embarrassing to talk about painful stuff with family and friends but it can get you out of yourself emotionally. I'm sorry that you are hurting the way you are. Let me know if you want to talk.

 

[Nanako]

I'm sorry. I know what you mean about hoping for some sort of divine intervention to end it all. A therapist once told me that people like us who suffer so much, so often, have become well equip to deal with it. Thats how we've made it so far. Terrible irony.

I've had to develop a lot of mental tricks in order to keep myself from going insane, but my quality of life has gone down dramatically as a result. Like my purpose in life right now is to keep myself from losing my mind, how is that any way to live? I have nothing to look forward to, I have to constatly come up with new ways to trick myelf into thinking I'm living a decent life, I don't enjoy anything anymore, all I do is keep myself distracted with meaningless activities that bring me surface-level pleasure at best.

 

[inabsentia]

Hey, I know that feeling - I've been there too, weeping and wishing for some almighty force I don't even believe in to just make it all stop.

I'm here to vent or chat if it would help but I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. :(

 

[Nanako]

If your family is kind and understanding then I think you should try to be around them as much as possible. Friends too. It's embarrassing to talk about painful stuff with family and friends but it can get you out of yourself emotionally. I'm sorry that you are hurting the way you are. Let me know if you want to talk.

My parents are the only ones I'm close to, but there's too much they have to deal with already, I can't have them worrying about me. It would be too stressful for them. I've talked to them about my issues before, and it took a noticeable toll on them.

And I have no friends. I've isolated myself from everyone in the past few years, and I barely even have the energy to try and cultivate a relationship with new people... Plus I'm too unstable for that. )=

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

I've had to develop a lot of mental tricks in order to keep myself from going insane, but my quality of life has gone down dramatically as a result. Like my purpose in life right now is to keep myself from losing my mind, how is that any way to live? I have nothing to look forward to, I have to constatly come up with new ways to trick myelf into thinking I'm leading a decent life, I don't enjoy anything anymore, all I do is keep myself distracted with meaningless activities that bring me surface-level pleasure at best.

I know it. I'm right there with you. I'm in your same predicament (from what you've written), I don't have your exact illness but I have physical limitations too. This isn't any way to live. Just like you hope for some supernatural force to assist you, I just try to stay sharp enough so that I can realize and grab the opportunity when it comes.

 

[PreussenBlueJay]

My parents are the only ones I'm close to, but there's too much they have to deal with already, I can't have them worrying about me. It would be too stressful for them. I've talked to them about my issues before, and it took a noticeable toll on them.

Your parents are going to worry about you no matter what. I don't know your circumstances and so I'm sorry if I sound presumptuous but I will say that any activities that give you any enjoyment at all aren't meaningless. Even if you feel you need to spend a day watching videos of people falling off of things it can be worthwhile.

 

[Zzzzz]

I've had to develop a lot of mental tricks in order to keep myself from going insane, but my quality of life has gone down dramatically as a result. Like my purpose in life right now is to keep myself from losing my mind, how is that any way to live? I have nothing to look forward to, I have to constatly come up with new ways to trick myelf into thinking I'm leading a decent life, I don't enjoy anything anymore, all I do is keep myself distracted with meaningless activities that bring me surface-level pleasure at best.

That's very similar to my feelings. There's nothing to look forward to. There's always a constant unhappiness even when doing enjoyable things. There's no incentive at all to keep me from constantly thinking about death. And it all feels meaningless.

 

[GentleJerk]

I'm sorry you are going through this, it must be so difficult. Sometimes it's hard to find the energy to explain everything that is happening, all we can do is just let you say how you feel, and be here to listen. All my deepest sympathies to you, I hope things improve and I wish you nothing but all the very best.

 

[FuneralCry]

Living can be very painful, I know that it can be hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. I'm sorry you are in this situation. I am also very tired of living, I also have nothing to look forward to. An eternal dreamless sleep is what I would like. If I am dead then nothing can hurt me. I wish you the best.