Help This is the hour I dread most...

[peacefighter]

...deciding whether to take a sleeping tablet (to stop the bad dreams of mirtazapine) or not, so that I have a greater chance of waking with the 6am alarm to go and jump at daybreak. Been doing this every morning for about 2 weeks now, waking up and not going....going back to sleep then be raging with myself all day at the missed opportunity. I can't risk getting caught and because I know this time I bleddy well have to do it. Want this over with. I cannot live in this world any more. It's emotional and mental torture. Sis's birthday on Sunday. Should problably wait 'til Monday. Give myself a break. Such a horrible existence. Walked aimlessly for hours today. Did no good. Can find nothing to cling to, no will to go on living. And here I am again at the hour I hate.

 

[Melkus2020]

Be at peace.

 

[Deathbydemo]

"Can find nothing to cling to, no will to go on living"

I feel you. I'm in the exact same boat. Struggling immensely with making myself stay to live some semblance of a life for my son but I just can't. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. No bullshit cliches from me that things will eventually get better. Just a non-judgemental listening ear.

 

[Largeletters]

May you find peace, whether it's by living or not living...
Always here to chat as well...

 

[MachinaArcana]

I wish there was anything I could say to make all of this less hurtful for you, but there isn't. I have given up on this dreadful existence as well, and will ctb early next week if all goes according to plan. All I can do is repeat what Deathbydemo said - I, like many others here, will gladly offer you that "non-judgemental listening ear". It's the least we can do for eachother. Many of us are indeed in the same boat, and totally get what you are saying...

Sending you a big hug.

 

[Soul]

@peacefighter, giving yourself a break until Monday is a good idea. Get some sleep without worrying about waking up at 6. I'll lie here with you x

 

[Melkus2020]

Why delay. If life is too difficult then follow stoic philosophy. It will only make everything harder if you keep on waiting. I personally regret not offing myself when I was younger. It's been a miserable few last years of my life. I lost all my self respect. My reputation. My ideals. My mental health. Everything is gone. Not telling you what you should do. But think about it carefully.

 

[peacefighter]

Yes, the mess of my life, id all spiralling out of control now. It seems to get worse the longer I leave it. Never, in six months have I ever been relieved I didn't do it. That's too much of non-living to bear. "We need you" my mum and sister say, but they're only thinking of themselves, not the inner pain I carry every day. They don't have mental illness, they'll grieve but get on with their lives but every day is slowly making me worse.

 

[Melkus2020]

Yes, the mess of my life, id all spiralling out of control now. It seems to get worse the longer I leave it. Never, in six months have I ever been relieved I didn't do it. That's too much of non-living to bear. "We need you" my mum and sister say, but they're only thinking of themselves, not the inner pain I carry every day. They don't have mental illness, they'll grieve but get on with their lives but every day is slowly making me worse.

I wish I died with my dignity still intact. I have been slowly declining in every aspect and I feel I lost my inner manhood because of how weak and inactive I have been and felt around people. It's terrible. Just terrible.