resolutory
Experienced
- Sep 13, 2022
- 258
Originally I really wanted to die this year.... I was sure I would. 2 is my favourite number and, consequently, I desperately wanted to die on 22/2/2022. But the day came and I didn't. I wasn't sure why I didn't. I came close but, ultimately, I didn't. Maybe it was the uncertainty about my method at the time.... I later found out I wouldn't have been able to use that method (didn't have the right equipment) anyway so, ultimately, it didn't matter. But it still concerned me that even if I had the right stuff, I still wouldn't have.
To this day I'm not sure why. But I really regretted that I didn't die on the best date of my life. There's been a few cool dates this year that that I keep planning to die on. I got VERY close on 22nd of April, got everything ready to go and then, again, just didn't do it. A solid practice run though. The next was 22nd of August and I think that actually went backwards. I didn't even try that time, even though I'd planned for months in advance to do it then.
I recently realised that 22/12/2022 is coming up, which actually has as many 2's as 22/02/2022. It's not as good a date because there's a 1 in there, but.... still the only other date in my entire life that'll have that many 2's. I really want to die on that day, but.... I've been through so many dates this year, I'm not really convinced I'll actually do it.
It's almost like I've had so many days planned where I didn't do it that even I don't even believe that I'll do it anymore. Which is really frustrating, cause I know I'll regret not doing it on that day.
To this day, I'm still not sure why I didn't do it on all the previous times. It's really bothersome to me. I thought all I ever wanted in life was a method of killing myself that I found acceptable, until this year, when I finally got that. Now I don't know what to think. All I've ever wanted is to die but now I won't do it and I have no idea why. Maybe I fear getting caught? Each time one of these dates gets in my mind, I feel so bad when the date approaches. So anxious. I really want to do it but I also, somehow, don't want to do it? I want to do it, logically, I want to die. But I don't want to do the action, I guess, if that makes sense? Maybe I'm concerned something will go wrong? Is it a coincidence that I've found multiple methods that I like at the beginning of this year, just in time for really good dates to do it on? Not sure.
All I know is I'm pretty sure I won't do it in 16 days, and I know I'll regret not doing it then, as it's the second best day in my entire lifetime that I could do it on. And all the pain I'll experience as a result of not doing it will be my fault for not ending it like I could've.
To this day I'm not sure why. But I really regretted that I didn't die on the best date of my life. There's been a few cool dates this year that that I keep planning to die on. I got VERY close on 22nd of April, got everything ready to go and then, again, just didn't do it. A solid practice run though. The next was 22nd of August and I think that actually went backwards. I didn't even try that time, even though I'd planned for months in advance to do it then.
I recently realised that 22/12/2022 is coming up, which actually has as many 2's as 22/02/2022. It's not as good a date because there's a 1 in there, but.... still the only other date in my entire life that'll have that many 2's. I really want to die on that day, but.... I've been through so many dates this year, I'm not really convinced I'll actually do it.
It's almost like I've had so many days planned where I didn't do it that even I don't even believe that I'll do it anymore. Which is really frustrating, cause I know I'll regret not doing it on that day.
To this day, I'm still not sure why I didn't do it on all the previous times. It's really bothersome to me. I thought all I ever wanted in life was a method of killing myself that I found acceptable, until this year, when I finally got that. Now I don't know what to think. All I've ever wanted is to die but now I won't do it and I have no idea why. Maybe I fear getting caught? Each time one of these dates gets in my mind, I feel so bad when the date approaches. So anxious. I really want to do it but I also, somehow, don't want to do it? I want to do it, logically, I want to die. But I don't want to do the action, I guess, if that makes sense? Maybe I'm concerned something will go wrong? Is it a coincidence that I've found multiple methods that I like at the beginning of this year, just in time for really good dates to do it on? Not sure.
All I know is I'm pretty sure I won't do it in 16 days, and I know I'll regret not doing it then, as it's the second best day in my entire lifetime that I could do it on. And all the pain I'll experience as a result of not doing it will be my fault for not ending it like I could've.
