Venting this is so hard for me

[spring vainglory]

i'm living for him, but i hardly hear from him...

he's just so busy... i dont know how to feel better when i'm hurting because i miss him
when i miss him so much orgasm usually helps a bit. but its even hard to orgasm lately, no matter if its on my own or with him. i had trouble today, and it caused me distress.

i dont see him often, he promised once a month but its less than that. i wont get to have time alone with him this month, we'll be seeing each other only during a convention i think. we're rooming with friends, that means no sex.

he's just got too many responsibilities. his aunt treating him like her personal errand boy while still making him take care of his two little brothers, work and school on top of those. he has classes and two jobs this semester. i've never heard from him less.
he promised to call every night, but now its 3 nights a week. he responds my texts twice a day if im lucky. but sometimes not even once. i feel like im in the dark all of a sudden.
ive been trying to stay strong, but i don't know how long i will last. i already take so much from him. i don't know what to do. i dont have anyone else. even if i tell him it hurts, he still doesn't be around more.

i want to believe its because he cant, not because im so draining that he has no energy for me anymore. we talked so much every day in the beginning, later on even when he had free time i wouldnt hear from him. i dont know if he's trying to force me out of my codependency or if he really just cant. his phone is in his pocket all day, you know? i know he checks it when he's bored.

i love him so much :(
i just want to talk to him

i dont want to ctb only because i dont want to not be with him. i just cant make myself do it. but this longing hurts so much its starting to make me wish for ctb again.

 

[restless.dreams]

I'm sorry you're hurting. Have you talked to him about how you feel?

 

[spring vainglory]

I'm sorry you're hurting. Have you talked to him about how you feel?

he knows i hate it when i don't hear from him. it's impossible for him not to know. ive told him many times already, i tell him how much im hurting each time the distance gets worse. saying anything doesn't work. he just gives me excuse. it also makes him feel sad and unsupported when i want to take time away from his studies to give me attention. so i don't want to argue on his excuses. i already take so much money and energy and have nothing to give back. they're always the same excuses anyway. either homework, feeding brother or spending time with brother, or driving somewhere to run errand.

 

[spring vainglory]

we called tonight. he's in the call now still, sleeping quietly.
but i did sh before we talked. i couldn't stop hurting and crying and i just wanted to calm down before i got to hear from him. the sh did help calm me down.

i talked to him about how i feel. he's honestly bad at being comforting but hearing him acknowledge me comforted me anyway. he really acknowledged my feelings this time, and was very gentle with me ♥
i was trying so so hard to be gentle with him about how i feel. thats hard for me because i get aggressive when im too emotional. i think it worked tho because he didn't shut down or make a bad voice tone

he said that he's just particularly busy these two weeks, and he'll be able to be more frequent with me after the convention. i hope he's right.
even if he was too busy to talk or hangout on call, he would still call me just to go to sleep. i think he said he would start doing that again.

i asked him if i'm too needy and he said no.
i told him im trying my best not to need him so much and he said thank you, and told me i'm very brave

he also said he doesn't believe he'll ever achieve a stable and peaceful life. :( but that at least takes away the hurt from some things he's said before.