Months and months of tears, depression, all of that because my adult daughter was ghosting me. Haven't spoken since September, 2020. She never answered my calls, voice mails, text messages only once every few weeks. Nothing on my birthday, nothing during the holidays, which I spent alone. Abandoned in my old age. I decided over a month ago that it was over, that I would never contact her in any way again because the rejection was just too much for me. It was such a difficult, heartbreaking decision.
Yesterday afternoon, she called. I was shocked. I was afraid to answer the phone because it may send me right back into the Pit. I answered, we talked for about thirty minutes about normal, everyday sorts of things, (mostly she talked) but it wasn't the same. The entire time, I was wondering why she called, what did she want? After we hung up, I sat there and thought about all the awful feelings I have had for the last two years. And it didn't hurt. Not a single tear. Not a single thought of suicide. Nothing. I gently poked around in my heart, doing a sort of inventory of how I felt. In a way, it felt like I was poking my fingers in sawdust. I realized I don't love her anymore. And it doesn't matter. It's over and I think I am over it. How do I feel now about all of this? I think....can it be? Is this happiness? Happy because the pain went away? Happy because it isn't like it was and it isn't going to feel that way forever? lol! Maybe the definition of happiness is well-stated as an absence of miserable-ness?
In the last two months, I have cut and blocked contact with two toxic sisters and given up trying to contact this daughter. And the last two months have been the best I have had for the last four years. Think about that. All done. They can't hurt me anymore. I have drawn the line, cut the binding ties, and set myself FREE!
In the past month, I forced myself to get up off the couch and DO something. Anything! So I sewed the new curtains for the kitchen, dining room, and my bedroom, I signed up for internet service in my home, got a (used) PC (no more strugglng to make these posts on my phone), the new bookcases are coming tomorrow and I will reorganize the stuff in the spare room, and the table for the laundry room should be delivered this week, too. And after that, I am going to look into replacing the fence. By then it will be summer and I will go up the mountain, fish, take gentle walks in the forest with my little dog (who is at this moment lying on his blanket at my feet). Breathe the pine scented, fresh mountain air. Go to the range and practice shooting. Wash the car. Watch the grass grow. Watch the apple tree blossom and bear fruit. For the first time in a very long time, I am taking care of me, the real me, not the me that everybody else seems to think I should be.
Yesterday afternoon, she called. I was shocked. I was afraid to answer the phone because it may send me right back into the Pit. I answered, we talked for about thirty minutes about normal, everyday sorts of things, (mostly she talked) but it wasn't the same. The entire time, I was wondering why she called, what did she want? After we hung up, I sat there and thought about all the awful feelings I have had for the last two years. And it didn't hurt. Not a single tear. Not a single thought of suicide. Nothing. I gently poked around in my heart, doing a sort of inventory of how I felt. In a way, it felt like I was poking my fingers in sawdust. I realized I don't love her anymore. And it doesn't matter. It's over and I think I am over it. How do I feel now about all of this? I think....can it be? Is this happiness? Happy because the pain went away? Happy because it isn't like it was and it isn't going to feel that way forever? lol! Maybe the definition of happiness is well-stated as an absence of miserable-ness?
In the last two months, I have cut and blocked contact with two toxic sisters and given up trying to contact this daughter. And the last two months have been the best I have had for the last four years. Think about that. All done. They can't hurt me anymore. I have drawn the line, cut the binding ties, and set myself FREE!
In the past month, I forced myself to get up off the couch and DO something. Anything! So I sewed the new curtains for the kitchen, dining room, and my bedroom, I signed up for internet service in my home, got a (used) PC (no more strugglng to make these posts on my phone), the new bookcases are coming tomorrow and I will reorganize the stuff in the spare room, and the table for the laundry room should be delivered this week, too. And after that, I am going to look into replacing the fence. By then it will be summer and I will go up the mountain, fish, take gentle walks in the forest with my little dog (who is at this moment lying on his blanket at my feet). Breathe the pine scented, fresh mountain air. Go to the range and practice shooting. Wash the car. Watch the grass grow. Watch the apple tree blossom and bear fruit. For the first time in a very long time, I am taking care of me, the real me, not the me that everybody else seems to think I should be.
