This is me. This is my story.

[Bend Sinister]

Reasons to check out

• My shattered and unrealised dreams. Only now do I have a second chance of life part 2. I can't have life part 2 in poverty and stress. I can have it as a second chance with happiness and hopes and dreams. I don't want to be that guy in a social housing shithole. Dressed like a tramp, living at the lowest possible margin. Your experience with other people is based on their sympathy for you. I don't want my children to experience that. A dad as a chore. I did. Would I rather have had a dad than not. The answer is it didn't really make a difference. Less so as I got older. He had nothing to offer. Nothing to give. I don't want to be that guy. I dont want to just be an existence. The idea of a dad but no real relationship or interaction. No happy memories. Just existence.
• It seems so unfair that as I finally come to terms with myself. Get over myself and have some space to grow and change. I cant. It like my second and final chance has been torn from me by me. That seems the cruellest trick of all.
• My stupid and unrealistic dream chasing. I chased a version of myself, an image of myself rather than creating myself. I focused on the future, whatever that was without concentrating on the present. Why I didn't focus on todays happiness.
• My kids will have a good life without me. I see them jn There new home and I know she will take care of them. Thank you. You are amazing on every level.
• My kids are young enough to remember me and move on.
• I am living an irrational life. This is actually a rational decision.
• The only reason not to is FOMO. This has coloured my judgements throughout. Not any more.
• I really don't enjoy life. There have been some moments, as there always are, but mainly jts been pretty stressful and shit. Too much loneliness. Too many financial worries. Too much wasted time. I don't have the strength to continue on.
• Im a judgemental bastard. This has been my bigges tbregret. What the hell has it got to do with me.
• Lack of common sense. Ive made stupid decisions and doe stupid things because I didn't think the consequences through. Losing job in 2009. A lot of that has been to do is being on my lwn I think but really I suck at life. Ive fallen through the cracks repeatedly. Stop the ride, I want to get off. Im tired now, both spiritually and mentally. I needed to recharge with support but that wasn't available at the times if my life when I needed it. Ce la vie.
• I don't want to be alone. Chore dad as mine was was.
• The kids don't need me they really don't. If as a father you cant provide resource and protection then you are just a guy on the phone. You need the kids more than they need you and you become a burden. Why, because you ask for more than receive. Not on.
• I want to get out of the professional mess Im in. Simples. Cowardly. Absolutely. Remember decent people don't kill themselves and put together people are not here and writing this stuff. I wish I was put together. But im not. Ibe seen to many fuck ups who aren't and their disgusting and meaningless lives.
• A life without meaning is not a life but an existence. I wanted more.
• We don't want that person to die but how are they alive. Remember tommy in trainspotting when renton visited him. They didn't want him to die, they just wanted him alive for the sake of him not being dead.
• Its no ones fault but mine and I accept full responsibility.
• I have a career I am embarrassed about (it never went anywhere) and I have made grave and serious professional errors that have negatively affected people. It has cost them time and money and stress. This is personal embossing to me. I should have quit years ago but I needed the money, I wanted to provide, I thought that it gave me status and that jt would improve in the future. I did the same thing and expected different results. That is my biggest failure and my biggest and bitter regret. I did see it but I had to lay the bills. Hope it seems is not a strategy. What's funny js the money in no way reflected the risk. How they hell I did not see this. Too stressed all the time. Too naïve. Too fucking stupid.
• So as we can see the present is rubbish and the future looks like a living hell prison sentence. Shitty life with no time off. Im too self aware and too desirous of a nice life. A nice and simple life in which I could have coped. Could have had it at times and I actually thought why not. But my lack of thought of the consequence's won.
• I have the sword of Damocles hanging over me. Im waiting for my fuck ups to catch uo with me and ruin me. They'll also have ruined other people. How did I get to this. You total fucking incompetent idIot. You deserve everything you get.
• Im unhappy with who I am, what I've achieved and what Ive done.
• I want to escape. I need to escape. An actual death is better than a living death. Think of the tramps you see. Are they really alive. What meaning or purpose do they have. They are waiting to die living life in the most disgusting way possible.
• I'm a fuck up. I'm writing this stuff on here. You're reading it. You're a fuck up too.
• I thought I was cool but I'm not. I thought somehow I was beating the system my way. What a joke. Although if nothing else I finally got over myself.
• I'm too old to start again. I don't have the mental strength.
• Think about playing a video game. You would have pressed reset a long time ago. This is me pressing reset.
• I don't trust myself.
• Time has run out for me. I'm too old now. The Good years are gone. Only middle age and old age left.
• I'm too needy and a bit pathetic. People swerve me because if this. It's obvious I'm going tomwant something emotionally of you. Who needs that guy. The answer is not many people.
• The irony is that at this time of self realisation, when I've got and need a second chance my previous bad decision making will bite me financially and prevent me from continuing on. Oh cruel fate.
• I could have made it but foolish decisions squandered this. That's the hardest knowing I could have made it. I'm sorry kids. I love you and wish I could have been there in the way I needed to be and you would have wanted me to be. I won't be chore dad. Remember Chore dad is a charity case. Functioning dad is the one you hug and kiss on your wedding day and you reflect on the Good times. Chore dad is just there sitting on his own with everyone talking to him out of duty/pity/sympathy. There will be one lady who,will stay with him all day so he not on his own. I have too much self awareness and respect to be chore dad.

Reasons to remain

• My kids. But only if I can be with them on a meaningful basis. No chore dad. Chore dad is an embarrassment. Imagine a day at the beach with chore dad. They will just be waiting for it to end so they can get back to a nice life. Chore dad goes back to his dole hole hovel and sits around waiting for the next time someone throws him a slice of life. Think Sunday dinner or xmas visit when everyone says its ok you don't have a present and you speak shit because you don't have any real life to talk about. You just end up just sitting there or becoming a clown. Its not ok. Functioning dads provided the present and the love and the place for this all to happen. People will tell you this is OK but it's really not. Its just dealing with failure. Chore dad is a burden. Emotional fucking burden. You don't need Chore dad. You don't. Better to be a happy memory in photos and videos, thaN a fuck up burden in the present.
• I get away with my fuck ups or at least understand that they will me manageable. Im basing my entire future life on luck. Think about that. Think of the anxiety and stress im under every fucking minute of the day.
• Because there is a slim chance that I can graduate from Fuck It Up Dad to Functioning Dad. If I get away with it then there is a slim chance I might make it. I would provide meaning and positive influence for my kids and not extra work.
• That's what will keep me alive. Being a positive and regular functioning dad and having a mundane and stress free life. Someone who is grounded, in control and not out of his depth with his actions, both personal and professional destroying lives around him. I should have just kept my head down and ground it out. If I had id be cooking burgers on a bbq for the family, not on here in this wretched place.

 

[Winston]

I'm a fuck up. I'm writing this stuff on here. You're reading it. You're a fuck up too.

Preach it, brother!
Bend, your writing truly resonates with me, in general that I also can list 30 to 4 reasons why/why not to CTB.
More specifically, I too am on the path to become a Chore Dad. I could tarry on and become the useless vegetative figure that my kid visits and pities a couple times per year while I spend out their meager inheritance on perfunctory existence. I refuse to let that happen.
I too had a "career" which I felt gave me status. It did not, of course. I quit last month after 16 years. Nobody gave a shit.
There is more in your post that I could quote, but I won't. Thank you for taking the time to write so much. It made me feel better about my decision to CTB.

 

[Bend Sinister]

Perfunctory Visits. Hit the nail on the head. Thats how it was with my dad. I was so jealous of the other kids dads. I wished they where mine. Thats why I've tried in the wrong direction. I should have been stronger with myself.

Others will say it'll get better then piss off to their real lives. We will still be in our shitty flats with no money, trying to pretend its OK. I can remember the disgust at having to go to my own dads. It was too bad to bring people too. He smelt as well.

I was 11

Just wished I could have avoided this when I had the chance. Thanks for replying Bro. Make sure its what you want man. There's no going back. You have to be sure.
Chore Dad v Functioning Dad. Wish I was the latter.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I want to get out of the professional mess Im in. Simples. Cowardly. Absolutely.

Remember decent people don't kill themselves and put together people are not here and writing this stuff.

I wonder if this relates to your self-assessment of being judgmental, that is, I think, narrow-mindedly condemning. I get that misery loves company, and that we all at times seek justification for our actions and beliefs by drawing others to us in a kind of power play. But I think this does you a disservice as much as it does to others. I think it's potentially hyperbolic that you see yourself as such utter shit, and it's a projection onto others to reinforce that blown-up, fun house mirror view of yourself, and therefore the rest of us here.

As long as you are alive, it's never too late to work on becoming a better person. That's more valuable than a put-together life, which can always be impacted by circumstances. What you can control is how you experience, deal with, and use circumstances.

So you don't want to be a chore dad. Then don't. I suggest -- and all of this is, of course, suggestion -- to ask your kids regularly what they want and need from you. You might be surprised by the answers. If they don't want to spend time with you, right on that you don't want to make it about you and push it, make it a chore. Make being their father about them, about supporting them not just in practical ways but to the level of what makes each of them, them; not what you get from them, but nor a rejection of any potential value you have in their lives, let them determine the value. Study up on how father's influence their children and the best ways one can do that. Be an example to them of how to take responsibility for oneself in spite of shame, embarrassment, mistakes that every human is prone to make, and instead learning and growing from them.

I get from reading your post that you probably had abusive and controlling parents, or perhaps one abuse and one enabled it. You seem to experience what I've struggled with: perfectionistic, all-or-none, black-or-white thinking. I hear a message that if you can't be or have the best, then you must be the worst, and therefore must be destroyed. And I sense you trying to validate and reinforce that by saying, "Here I am, you suicidal fuck-ups. I'm one of you. We are worthless, shitty, hopeless people. So let's get it on."

I don't agree to that.

And I say that in a loving, compassionate way.

You may ask, "Well then, what the fuck are you doing here?" or perhaps call me a pro-lifer.

I'm a person who's done my work, and earned my own self-respect and -liking. But circumstances in my life beyond my control have led me to suicide as a rational decision, the best option among all shitty options. And maybe eventually you'll reach a similar conclusion, maybe not, but so far, I don't see that you're being as rational as I think you'd like to be.

Much respect to you, and wishes only for your well-being and self-determination.

 

[shipwreck]

I wonder if this relates to your self-assessment of being judgmental, that is, I think, narrow-mindedly condemning. I get that misery loves company, and that we all at times seek justification for our actions and beliefs by drawing others to us in a kind of power play. But I think this does you a disservice as much as it does to others. I think it's potentially hyperbolic that you see yourself as such utter shit, and it's a projection onto others to reinforce that blown-up, fun house mirror view of yourself, and therefore the rest of us here.

@GoodPersonEffed I always appreciate your posts. Your maturity and empathy are refreshing. You've clearly done a lot of work sorting out your own stuff and it shows.

Responding to your point about wallowing in self-condemnation, what comes across in the @Bend Sinister 's post is the sense of hopelessness: after many years of bad decisions, he recognizes that he's at a point where even his best efforts are unlikely to bring about a good situation. The road ahead looks like an exhausting struggle just to exist. Seeing through the negative emotion, there's a series of rational questions: what kind of future can I look forward to? How much work am I willing to put into it for a remote chance of something resembling success?

I suppose it's ultimately a question of morale: if your attitude in life is basically positive, you can be happy with a glass that's 10% full. I've know people who struggle with poverty, or mental/physical health conditions, and manage to have happy lives. I know others who are very fortunate and are miserable. Is your attitude around this something that you can change, and so be content with your prospects?

And if you're willing to share, what are the key factors in your situation that led to your rational decision to consider ending your existence, and how did you sort through the emotion and come to a rational decision?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Thanks, @shipwreck, for your kind reflections. And you made some great points.

Before I reply, I want to say to @Bend Sinister that I apologize if you in any way felt negated by my comment. I realize I only picked out certain things and overlooked others. I realize and honor that this is a complex situation. I mean when I said that I respect you and only wish good for you. If you ultimately choose to ctb, I respect your right to choose. Any misinterpretations or inaccurate judgments were mine. I hope that you will only take from my words what you value and discard the rest, I in no way want to dump on you or take control of your shit. They were reflections, nothing more, and quite likely flawed, and definitely limited in perspective.

@shipwreck, I've worked for years on my stuff. But there are outside circumstances in my life which are not my fault and are utterly beyond my control, are disempowering, are actually pretty bad, and will not get better but in fact will get worse. I keep the situation private as I don't need any support for it and don't want any input, but one can correlate it to a progressive illness. The decision is when is it best to leave, and I am still struggling with it. Rationally, I would do well to leave now, but it's not as easy as that or I would. What has greatly supported me in making this decision is the Stoic approach to suicide, and what has served me is summarized in these three posts:

Here are the Stoic's rational reasons for leaving the party (suicide):

1. In service of one's country, i.e., an old friend shows up to the party and requires your services.

2. The arrival of rowdy revelers, i.e., tyrants who force us to say or do disgraceful things at the party.

3. Protracted illness that prevents the soul from the use of its tool, the body, i.e., spoilage of provisions for the party.

4. Poverty, i.e., scarceness of party provisions.

5. Madness, i.e., drunkenness at the party. In Buddhist terms, intoxicants lower one's inhibitions against doing no harm to others and, by default, the self, or in Stoic terms, lowering the inhibitions of practicing virtue. It would be a dangerous party for the wise and virtuous one who practiced moderation.

Source: Griffin, Miriam. "Philosophy, Cato, and Roman Suicide I," Greece and Rome, vol. 33, no. 1, 1986, pp. 64-77. Original source cited by Griffin, Stoicorum Veterum Fragmenta, a 1903-1905 collection by Hans von Arnim of fragments and testimony of the earlier Stoics.

This article and article II are available for free online viewing at JSTOR.

Mental Preparation


From the article "Seneca and the Stoic View of Suicide" by William Englert

"The Stoics held that it was permissible, perhaps even the duty, of a person who was being forced to perform an immoral or shameful act to commit suicide to avoid having to do it...[In the analogy] where life is a drinking-party, and one of the five possible reasons listed for leaving a drinking-party, the arrival of abusive party-goers, is used to illustrate a similar occasion for leaving life: when tyrants try to force a person to do or say shameful things."
- Englert

"As Seneca tells us, the wise man, the ultimate standard of conduct, should not flee life, but exit it."
- Englert

"[Seneca] praises people who commit suicide to preserve their dignitas [sense of self] and consistency of character."
-Englert

"[D]ie as one ought: 'virtuously, sensibly, and courageously.'"
- Seneca


From the book The Practicing Stoic by Ward Farnsworth

"Marcus Aurelius's view of humanity gave him a reason not to fear death: the human race, seen accurately, is not the sort of company one should be too sorry to leave behind."
- Farnsworth

"We need to be warned and strengthened in both directions – not to love or to hate life overmuch. Even when reason advises us to make an end of it, the impulse is not to be adopted without reflection or at headlong speed. The brave and wise man should not flee from life but withdraw from it."
- Seneca

"Here are the words of the law on this subject: If chance delivers some great misfortune that you cannot remedy, a haven is always nearby. You can swim away from your body as you would from a leaking boat."
- Montaigne

"[A] life is not incomplete if it is honorable. Wherever you leave off, provided you leave off nobly, your life is a whole."
- Seneca

"You ask what the finest life span would be? To live until you reach wisdom. The one who gets there has arrived, not at the farthest goal, but at the most important. That man, indeed, may boldly congratulate himself, and give thanks to the gods – and to himself along with them – and count in his reckoning with the universe the fact that he has lived. His account will be in credit: he has given it back a better life than he received."
- Seneca

We need to be warned and strengthened in both directions – not to love or to hate life overmuch. Even when reason advises us to make an end of it, the impulse is not to be adopted without reflection or at headlong speed. The brave and wise man should not flee from life but withdraw from it.

- Seneca


I find this quote to be an affirmation of the oft-given advice on this forum to not rush, but instead to research, plan, and reflect, and it's okay to change your mind and to wait.

I also find it helps me to shift my perspective when I am afraid. Ctb is the most rational choice for me, but my fear rises up when I am in fleeing mode, not only from circumstances but, especially, from the act of dying. The idea of a withdrawal from life is empowering and calming to me. This now guides me and will likely be one of my last thoughts.

 

[Bend Sinister]

Thank you for your responses. The crux of the matter is I'm tired after all this time and too weary for another slog to just slowly drown in place. Success is subjective. Mine is to have happy and safe kids. I do and they are in a safe and wonderful place surrounded by love, miles from me although that was not my decision. This won't change because of me being alive or dead.

The key factors are:

1) My own sheer weariness. My inner strength has gone. I used to keep on going because tomorrow was going to be better. It's not. It just gets worse. Its still hard work as well as dealing with a seemingly constant disaster and responsibility. Some me, some others. I have to do this with little support as I don't have much family. I've also taken on other peoples mistakes and sorted them out. Thats worn me as well.
2) The constant easily avoidable career and professional mistakes. I just can't seem to stop them. I lack common sense and can't see the consequences of my actions. Don't know why but others can see so much more clearly straight away what to do in a situation. I am my own worse enemy. I am negligent but I can't seem not to be.
3) It also the damage I've done. Easily avoidable financial mistakes that will effect the family as well as me. They can avoid them if I'm gone. Its a sort of sacrifice and apology as well. Very Japanese I think.
4) I think my fights gone. I just can't cope with decades of this stress going forward.

What I needed was a life break due to high stress and ill health and I had one arranged. The other party bailed in this (they had their own issues which pretty much finished me off). Then the Covid-19 issue, family ill health, insecure employment as I had to get a job (we had agreed that I could rest but the other person bailed). Too much now. Too too much.

I don't think I can be content with my prospects and that has been the issue. I've chased dreams that where just dreams and have had negative consequences. If I had stopped to think I could have sat back and released that, right here, right now I could be content. My other half has always been and I never got it until now. Obvious really.

I was almost there with the life break then a poor decision and error of judgement has finished me off. I don't have anything left to fight it with. Its my fault anyway. It seems like a waste of time to go through hell to end up at the bottom. Thats not a happy place and I may still check out then.

Think of it this way, in a rational and considered way. I check out now, on my terms. Kids will be upset but they are young and may or may not deal. Another 30 or 40 years of shit. Waiting to die and the kids will be upset and may or not deal. They may be okay with that but maybe not. I'm not okay with that and I never will be. It will eat away at me that it didn't need to be this way and I could have easily avoided this. At what stage do I then CTB. After thinking shit, I'm going anyway and I've just had yet more failure. I also don't want them to see dad mentally stringing out. They may or may not deal with me. Better they remember the good days.

To be honest id like to get and die from Covid-19. Lazy I know but seems an easy way out.

My departure plan is either a bottle of vodka and a very cold night or car exhaust. I just want to gradually fall asleep. I'm tired now, really fatigued right down to my soul. Thats tired and worn out too. No fight left in this dog.








@GoodPersonEffed and @shipwreck

 

[Seagirl]

Reasons to check out

• My shattered and unrealised dreams. Only now do I have a second chance of life part 2. I can't have life part 2 in poverty and stress. I can have it as a second chance with happiness and hopes and dreams. I don't want to be that guy in a social housing shithole. Dressed like a tramp, living at the lowest possible margin. Your experience with other people is based on their sympathy for you. I don't want my children to experience that. A dad as a chore. I did. Would I rather have had a dad than not. The answer is it didn't really make a difference. Less so as I got older. He had nothing to offer. Nothing to give. I don't want to be that guy. I dont want to just be an existence. The idea of a dad but no real relationship or interaction. No happy memories. Just existence.
• It seems so unfair that as I finally come to terms with myself. Get over myself and have some space to grow and change. I cant. It like my second and final chance has been torn from me by me. That seems the cruellest trick of all.
• My stupid and unrealistic dream chasing. I chased a version of myself, an image of myself rather than creating myself. I focused on the future, whatever that was without concentrating on the present. Why I didn't focus on todays happiness.
• My kids will have a good life without me. I see them jn There new home and I know she will take care of them. Thank you. You are amazing on every level.
• My kids are young enough to remember me and move on.
• I am living an irrational life. This is actually a rational decision.
• The only reason not to is FOMO. This has coloured my judgements throughout. Not any more.
• I really don't enjoy life. There have been some moments, as there always are, but mainly jts been pretty stressful and shit. Too much loneliness. Too many financial worries. Too much wasted time. I don't have the strength to continue on.
• Im a judgemental bastard. This has been my bigges tbregret. What the hell has it got to do with me.
• Lack of common sense. Ive made stupid decisions and doe stupid things because I didn't think the consequences through. Losing job in 2009. A lot of that has been to do is being on my lwn I think but really I suck at life. Ive fallen through the cracks repeatedly. Stop the ride, I want to get off. Im tired now, both spiritually and mentally. I needed to recharge with support but that wasn't available at the times if my life when I needed it. Ce la vie.
• I don't want to be alone. Chore dad as mine was was.
• The kids don't need me they really don't. If as a father you cant provide resource and protection then you are just a guy on the phone. You need the kids more than they need you and you become a burden. Why, because you ask for more than receive. Not on.
• I want to get out of the professional mess Im in. Simples. Cowardly. Absolutely. Remember decent people don't kill themselves and put together people are not here and writing this stuff. I wish I was put together. But im not. Ibe seen to many fuck ups who aren't and their disgusting and meaningless lives.
• A life without meaning is not a life but an existence. I wanted more.
• We don't want that person to die but how are they alive. Remember tommy in trainspotting when renton visited him. They didn't want him to die, they just wanted him alive for the sake of him not being dead.
• Its no ones fault but mine and I accept full responsibility.
• I have a career I am embarrassed about (it never went anywhere) and I have made grave and serious professional errors that have negatively affected people. It has cost them time and money and stress. This is personal embossing to me. I should have quit years ago but I needed the money, I wanted to provide, I thought that it gave me status and that jt would improve in the future. I did the same thing and expected different results. That is my biggest failure and my biggest and bitter regret. I did see it but I had to lay the bills. Hope it seems is not a strategy. What's funny js the money in no way reflected the risk. How they hell I did not see this. Too stressed all the time. Too naïve. Too fucking stupid.
• So as we can see the present is rubbish and the future looks like a living hell prison sentence. Shitty life with no time off. Im too self aware and too desirous of a nice life. A nice and simple life in which I could have coped. Could have had it at times and I actually thought why not. But my lack of thought of the consequence's won.
• I have the sword of Damocles hanging over me. Im waiting for my fuck ups to catch uo with me and ruin me. They'll also have ruined other people. How did I get to this. You total fucking incompetent idIot. You deserve everything you get.
• Im unhappy with who I am, what I've achieved and what Ive done.
• I want to escape. I need to escape. An actual death is better than a living death. Think of the tramps you see. Are they really alive. What meaning or purpose do they have. They are waiting to die living life in the most disgusting way possible.
• I'm a fuck up. I'm writing this stuff on here. You're reading it. You're a fuck up too.
• I thought I was cool but I'm not. I thought somehow I was beating the system my way. What a joke. Although if nothing else I finally got over myself.
• I'm too old to start again. I don't have the mental strength.
• Think about playing a video game. You would have pressed reset a long time ago. This is me pressing reset.
• I don't trust myself.
• Time has run out for me. I'm too old now. The Good years are gone. Only middle age and old age left.
• I'm too needy and a bit pathetic. People swerve me because if this. It's obvious I'm going tomwant something emotionally of you. Who needs that guy. The answer is not many people.
• The irony is that at this time of self realisation, when I've got and need a second chance my previous bad decision making will bite me financially and prevent me from continuing on. Oh cruel fate.
• I could have made it but foolish decisions squandered this. That's the hardest knowing I could have made it. I'm sorry kids. I love you and wish I could have been there in the way I needed to be and you would have wanted me to be. I won't be chore dad. Remember Chore dad is a charity case. Functioning dad is the one you hug and kiss on your wedding day and you reflect on the Good times. Chore dad is just there sitting on his own with everyone talking to him out of duty/pity/sympathy. There will be one lady who,will stay with him all day so he not on his own. I have too much self awareness and respect to be chore dad.

Reasons to remain

• My kids. But only if I can be with them on a meaningful basis. No chore dad. Chore dad is an embarrassment. Imagine a day at the beach with chore dad. They will just be waiting for it to end so they can get back to a nice life. Chore dad goes back to his dole hole hovel and sits around waiting for the next time someone throws him a slice of life. Think Sunday dinner or xmas visit when everyone says its ok you don't have a present and you speak shit because you don't have any real life to talk about. You just end up just sitting there or becoming a clown. Its not ok. Functioning dads provided the present and the love and the place for this all to happen. People will tell you this is OK but it's really not. Its just dealing with failure. Chore dad is a burden. Emotional fucking burden. You don't need Chore dad. You don't. Better to be a happy memory in photos and videos, thaN a fuck up burden in the present.
• I get away with my fuck ups or at least understand that they will me manageable. Im basing my entire future life on luck. Think about that. Think of the anxiety and stress im under every fucking minute of the day.
• Because there is a slim chance that I can graduate from Fuck It Up Dad to Functioning Dad. If I get away with it then there is a slim chance I might make it. I would provide meaning and positive influence for my kids and not extra work.
• That's what will keep me alive. Being a positive and regular functioning dad and having a mundane and stress free life. Someone who is grounded, in control and not out of his depth with his actions, both personal and professional destroying lives around him. I should have just kept my head down and ground it out. If I had id be cooking burgers on a bbq for the family, not on here in this wretched place.

Absolutely right. I am an utter failure as well. I had all the chances & screwed it up. I am totally useless. I dont have children but I get what you are saying & its fact. Noone wants to be surrounded by useless ppl.

Every night i pray for death.

We are all failures here,

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Thank you for your responses. The crux of the matter is I'm tired after all this time and too weary for another slog to just slowly drown in place. Success is subjective. Mine is to have happy and safe kids. I do and they are in a safe and wonderful place surrounded by love, miles from me although that was not my decision. This won't change because of me being alive or dead.

The key factors are:

1) My own sheer weariness. My inner strength has gone. I used to keep on going because tomorrow was going to be better. It's not. It just gets worse. Its still hard work as well as dealing with a seemingly constant disaster and responsibility. Some me, some others. I have to do this with little support as I don't have much family. I've also taken on other peoples mistakes and sorted them out. Thats worn me as well.
2) The constant easily avoidable career and professional mistakes. I just can't seem to stop them. I lack common sense and can't see the consequences of my actions. Don't know why but others can see so much more clearly straight away what to do in a situation. I am my own worse enemy. I am negligent but I can't seem not to be.
3) It also the damage I've done. Easily avoidable financial mistakes that will effect the family as well as me. They can avoid them if I'm gone. Its a sort of sacrifice and apology as well. Very Japanese I think.
4) I think my fights gone. I just can't cope with decades of this stress going forward.

What I needed was a life break due to high stress and ill health and I had one arranged. The other party bailed in this (they had their own issues which pretty much finished me off). Then the Covid-19 issue, family ill health, insecure employment as I had to get a job (we had agreed that I could rest but the other person bailed). Too much now. Too too much.

I don't think I can be content with my prospects and that has been the issue. I've chased dreams that where just dreams and have had negative consequences. If I had stopped to think I could have sat back and released that, right here, right now I could be content. My other half has always been and I never got it until now. Obvious really.

I was almost there with the life break then a poor decision and error of judgement has finished me off. I don't have anything left to fight it with. Its my fault anyway. It seems like a waste of time to go through hell to end up at the bottom. Thats not a happy place and I may still check out then.

Think of it this way, in a rational and considered way. I check out now, on my terms. Kids will be upset but they are young and may or may not deal. Another 30 or 40 years of shit. Waiting to die and the kids will be upset and may or not deal. They may be okay with that but maybe not. I'm not okay with that and I never will be. It will eat away at me that it didn't need to be this way and I could have easily avoided this. At what stage do I then CTB. After thinking shit, I'm going anyway and I've just had yet more failure. I also don't want them to see dad mentally stringing out. They may or may not deal with me. Better they remember the good days.

To be honest id like to get and die from Covid-19. Lazy I know but seems an easy way out.

My departure plan is either a bottle of vodka and a very cold night or car exhaust. I just want to gradually fall asleep. I'm tired now, really fatigued right down to my soul. Thats tired and worn out too. No fight left in this dog.








@GoodPersonEffed and @shipwreck

Eloquently and beautifully written.

Actually has the makings of a damn good suicide note.

Hope the car is 1980s model or older btw.

 

[Bend Sinister]

Thanks, @shipwreck, for your kind reflections. And you made some great points.

Before I reply, I want to say to @Bend Sinister that I apologize if you in any way felt negated by my comment. I realize I only picked out certain things and overlooked others. I realize and honor that this is a complex situation. I mean when I said that I respect you and only wish good for you. If you ultimately choose to ctb, I respect your right to choose. Any misinterpretations or inaccurate judgments were mine. I hope that you will only take from my words what you value and discard the rest, I in no way want to dump on you or take control of your shit. They were reflections, nothing more, and quite likely flawed, and definitely limited in perspective.

@shipwreck, I've worked for years on my stuff. But there are outside circumstances in my life which are not my fault and are utterly beyond my control, are disempowering, are actually pretty bad, and will not get better but in fact will get worse. I keep the situation private as I don't need any support for it and don't want any input, but one can correlate it to a progressive illness. The decision is when is it best to leave, and I am still struggling with it. Rationally, I would do well to leave now, but it's not as easy as that or I would. What has greatly supported me in making this decision is the Stoic approach to suicide, and what has served me is summarized in these three posts:

No offence was taken. I appreciate you taking the time to reply with much thought. This is not an easy decision or a spur of the moment. The taking of ones life must be considered and appropriate taking into account the effects of the action on others.

 

[Exitforme]

There is no cure for a tired soul.

The only path is one of eternal rest.

 

[ssaaahmo]

It hurts to see another fellow human in this much pain. I think it's important to realize that everyone's situation is different and some people are better at hiding their shit from others.