Story This is like a whole new world to me...

[MeltingHeart]

I feel like being on here is a whole other universe I knew nothing about- I have not had long held feelings of suicide; anxiety and depression- yes, but i have not really thought about suicide in my life at all- once v. briefly at aged 13 or 14 and then never again till now (now aged 38) despite having lots of life woes and many struggles I never thought about it again- until i had a huge breakdown (for many reasons) Jan of this year- since then I have tried many times and think about it constantly, every single day - yet it is strange to think that only a year ago I had no idea what SN, ctb, partial or SI meant- i didnt know this even existed - and now I am obsessed- because of how much I want to ctb now- its like I have entered into a whole new universe I knew nothing about previously and whilst I appreciate that it can be v.helpful for some people -in actually detering them - as they have the time and space to talk about how they feel and not be judged etc, which may actually faciliate them in a recovery (for some)...which is a great thing...for me I know I am on here because I really want all the best tips & also killing (appropriate term) time till I get on and 'commit' to the act- and I cant help but feel very sorry for myself- something which I have always striven not to do! but I do nonetheless- I feel sad that I have had to enter this strange world (on here)- but v. greatful now nonetheless.

 

[Rachel74]

I was exactly the same way. The thing is with me it's dettered me from CTB now but I'm here to support others

 

[MeltingHeart]

I was exactly the same way. The thing is with me it's dettered me from CTB now but I'm here to support others ❤

ah well thats good- if i didnt want to ctb- i would not be here- but everyone is here for their own unique and multi-faceted reasons. I just wonder how much longer I will be boring others and still blathering on about my SN being taken! it's not like anyone can help me with that really- it would be virtually impossible- and I KNOW I have to find another way- im just far too cowardly and keep putting it off!

 

[Not_Quite_Dead_Yet]

Up until a few years ago I was oblivious to the topic even though I am well past the 3 score and ten proverbial years. And then two people I was very close to died horrific, long-drawn out, painful deaths that robbed them of any shreds of dignity or self-determination. I promised myself not to go out that way, that staying alive, whatever the cost, was not for me. I started educating myself by going to Death Cafes and Death Salons, learning about the Final Exit Network, reading obsessively about methods and means, researching the Internet...and here I am. No one I am acquainted with wants to talk about the whole CTB thing and I even have to dance around the "taboo" subject with my therapist, lest she get it into her head to rat me out as a possible danger to myself, even though she well knows about my failing health. Although I don't post all that much, I have learned so much here; not only about the nuts and bolts of CBT, but about feelings and coping mechanisms from so many people I would never have the opportunity to meet IRL. I am endlessly amazed by the amount of emotional support exchanged here.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Up until a few years ago I was oblivious to the topic even though I am well past the 3 score and ten proverbial years. And then two people I was very close to died horrific, long-drawn out, painful deaths that robbed them of any shreds of dignity or self-determination. I promised myself not to go out that way, that staying alive, whatever the cost, was not for me. I started educating myself by going to Death Cafes and Death Salons, learning about the Final Exit Network, reading obsessively about methods and means, researching the Internet...and here I am. No one I am acquainted with wants to talk about the whole CTB thing and I even have to dance around the "taboo" subject with my therapist, lest she get it into her head to rat me out as a possible danger to myself, even though she well knows about my failing health. Although I don't post all that much, I have learned so much here; not only about the nuts and bolts of CBT, but about feelings and coping mechanisms from so many people I would never have the opportunity to meet IRL. I am endlessly amazed by the amount of emotional support exchanged here.

Sorry to hear about yr people. Wow I've never heard of death cafes / salons- so do you mainly feel you are researching for the future and out of general interest - due to what yr friends went through? I see so many people tht are getting prepared SN or whatever years ahead of time or just in case - the thought would never have occurred to me unless I felt immediately suicidal & was eagerly seeking a way out but everyone on here has widely different situations. It s actually quite interesting from a sociological point of view. I wish death could be celebrated and not something to be scared of - as in Mexico- the celebration of death actually kind of equals a celebration of life as it makes the whole thing less morbid & sad in some ways.

 

[Not_Quite_Dead_Yet]

Sorry to hear about yr people. Wow I've never heard of death cafes / salons- so do you mainly feel you are researching for the future and out of general interest - due to what yr friends went through? I see so many people tht are getting prepared SN or whatever years ahead of time or just in case - the thought would never have occurred to me unless I felt immediately suicidal & was eagerly seeking a way out but everyone on here has widely different situations. It s actually quite interesting from a sociological point of view. I wish death could be celebrated and not something to be scared of - as in Mexico- the celebration of death actually kind of equals a celebration of life as it makes the whole thing less morbid & sad in some ways.

Ah, no, not merely out of "general interest" but yes, definitely for the future, of which there isn't likely much left at my age and in my quickly deteriorating physical condition. Depression over all the things I can no longer do because of physical limitations adds to the attraction of CTB but I'm a tough old bird and depression alone would not be the last straw. Being kept alive by machines or living with a diagnosis of Alzheimer's would simply not be acceptable, so we are not talking about a theoretical "just in case" scenario. At my advanced age, 'just in case" is right around the corner. Do it once and do it right has always been my motto, a bit OCD but so what?

 

[MeltingHeart]

Ah, no, not merely out of "general interest" but yes, definitely for the future, of which there isn't likely much left at my age and in my quickly deteriorating physical condition. Depression over all the things I can no longer do because of physical limitations adds to the attraction of CTB but I'm a tough old bird and depression alone would not be the last straw. Being kept alive by machines or living with a diagnosis of Alzheimer's would simply not be acceptable, so we are not talking about a theoretical "just in case" scenario. At my advanced age, 'just in case" is right around the corner. Do it once and do it right has always been my motto, a bit OCD but so what?

Ahh I'm sorry that you have those physical declines and all associated problems - I do actually feel an immense about of guilt in many ways when I see the many that post about physical pain/ problems on here or even mental illness that they have lived with for some time- mine is what the psychiatrist termed "situational" depression - I don't have clinical depression as such - just that what life has been for me & things I've been through had for what ever reason for me resulted in extreme psychological anguish & mental "suffering" - I use inverted commas - as I feel it is slightly different than a diagnosable mental illness as such. Even though the longer that I feel this way- the more it transforming into a severe kind of mental sickness- but to me the only way I can explain it isn't that my soul and spirit feels broken and in pain- which sound kind of airy fairy- but it is not- it has transformed into something of a mental torture- my own version of a living hell is the best way to describe it - it sounds dramatic given that I am it physically damaged - but nonetheless it's how I feel.

 

[Kam59]

Melting heart you aren't taking an antidepressant called Mirtazapine are you ? I was on it for over a year and it made me very ill severe anxiety and feeling suicidal as well as depressed - it can actually worsen anxiety , panic , depression and suicidal thoughts and is the worst drug for suicidal thoughts and actions . When I switched to Sertraline I felt better in 4 weeks .My sister who has BPD was put on it 16 years ago and felt suicidal on it . Due to my experience she had come off it and feels much better . I realise some people are helped by it but it can have v serious side effects .....
Sadly while I was so anxious and suicidal I had an unnecessary op which has wrecked my mobility and in severe pain . I've found this site informative and helpful ......you can't discuss suicide with friends and family . The Sarco May start to change things .....nice way to go and no doctors needed .