stopMotionSickness
Member
- Mar 2, 2026
- 7
So yeah I'm 22 now. All things considered, I'm doing pretty good in university, at least academically. 3.3 GPA. Double major (both hard sciences). Good school. This semester only looks like it's getting better. I've also been a pretty miserable person for just about my whole life, at least since middle school, so I'm used to ideation crossing my mind on a pretty close to daily basis. It's always been a comfort in the back of my mind in that I won't have to face a full life of failure if it gets that bad.
But the last 3 days have been something else. I just physically cannot stop thinking about how I need to ctb. I'm thinking my best shot is the train station nearby, I know there's a bunch of trains that speed through it without stopping relatively late in the night, with no one else usually around. I'm slightly uncertain about the front maybe blocking the wheels, but I'm hoping to lie down either across the rails to have my neck on one or lengthwise to have one rail run my entire length. I barely finished a couple assignments but I spent way more time than they really needed, struggling to focus on literally anything else than ctb. Maybe it's evidently inauthentic to worry about something so long-term as uni grades when I distinctly feel this weekend might be my last, but idk I'm just really horrified of ever looking that failure in the face, since that's the only thing that's really kept me going even this far.
What triggered it is the stupidest thing, too. A roommate of mine told me I should get a girlfriend and that despite claiming I'm busy, pointed out that I did spend last weekend gaming (factorio, iykyk). And like yeah, I'm a chud. I applied to a bunch of cool things and just got a round of rejections for all that stuff. Which would make it the second summer in a row that I've got nothing on the way. I game way too much. I can't socialize. Not with my peers, not with professors/academia, not industry people. Everyone I know personally keeps lauding how "great" my resume and personality are, but I don't see at all what they're saying. Still, I've applied with faith that I've got a warped view of myself, but apparently employers see exactly what I must see; absolutely nothing.
And yeah, I can't fathom having a romantic relationship. I think I must be feeling some kind of loneliness because of it, but I can't fathom inflicting my state of mind upon someone. I had a gf years ago who had these thoughts and it completely eroded my sense of self worrying sick over her damn near every day. And no, I probably wasn't very helpful either, I was just a dumb asocial teenager, go figure it didn't work out. I hear about the dramas that everyone in relationships go through, I see how none of the parents of my friends ever seem happy together, if they're not outright divorced. The divorce rate may only be 50%, but a pretty fat majority of everyone else is clearly just hauling though misery because that's what they're "supposed to do". I don't really care for having this source of stress in my life. In the cases where people do seem to have a dating relationship down pat, they admit they just have to treat their gf's like pets, pandering to their whims, but ultimately manipulating the situation so they can "score" while keeping the peace between them. Every part of that seems inauthentic, demeaning, cruel, and shallow. Why on earth would I want that crowding my priorities with education right now. For the record, I do consider comprehension to be the most significant motivation to keep sticking around, plus the fear of failure, that's just the kind of nerd I am.
And yet the pressure STILL gets to me. I STILL agonize at how much of a failure I must be to have been single for the last 5 years straight. How "depleted" the "dating market" must be turning by the time I expect to have any time for that. And of course it's stupid to worry like this, it's just social media propaganda or whatever. But like fuck, I'm just so tired of this shit. It gets to me so so bad. I don't want to be here, I've only ever thought this was all a sacrifice to have a more fulfilling life in the long run but I've gutted everything that might have added that worth in the first place.
I guess it's just my long-winded vent to get across that I'm scared now. I've been rejected from everything, and my friends have all moved on in their careers. I can't get my shit together enough to plan something for my weekends, so I'm just drinking and doing weed for the umpteenth time. I'm just really scared, because usually this kind of wave doesn't get this strong nor this long. I've been sleeping on it for multiple days now and it's the only thing on my mind. There just can't be any future, this is literally the best it's ever going to be, and ending it just has to be the only way. idk, I'm afraid and a little tipsy now. I'm scared to reach out to anyone too, I extremely desperately cannot let anyone I know know about this while I'm still here. I'm writing out my notes and messages but fuck I'm just scared man.
If anyone actually read this, I'm sincerely grateful, I'm sorry to put you through this ramble. Even if no one reads though, I'm glad I got to at least get something out there.
But the last 3 days have been something else. I just physically cannot stop thinking about how I need to ctb. I'm thinking my best shot is the train station nearby, I know there's a bunch of trains that speed through it without stopping relatively late in the night, with no one else usually around. I'm slightly uncertain about the front maybe blocking the wheels, but I'm hoping to lie down either across the rails to have my neck on one or lengthwise to have one rail run my entire length. I barely finished a couple assignments but I spent way more time than they really needed, struggling to focus on literally anything else than ctb. Maybe it's evidently inauthentic to worry about something so long-term as uni grades when I distinctly feel this weekend might be my last, but idk I'm just really horrified of ever looking that failure in the face, since that's the only thing that's really kept me going even this far.
What triggered it is the stupidest thing, too. A roommate of mine told me I should get a girlfriend and that despite claiming I'm busy, pointed out that I did spend last weekend gaming (factorio, iykyk). And like yeah, I'm a chud. I applied to a bunch of cool things and just got a round of rejections for all that stuff. Which would make it the second summer in a row that I've got nothing on the way. I game way too much. I can't socialize. Not with my peers, not with professors/academia, not industry people. Everyone I know personally keeps lauding how "great" my resume and personality are, but I don't see at all what they're saying. Still, I've applied with faith that I've got a warped view of myself, but apparently employers see exactly what I must see; absolutely nothing.
And yeah, I can't fathom having a romantic relationship. I think I must be feeling some kind of loneliness because of it, but I can't fathom inflicting my state of mind upon someone. I had a gf years ago who had these thoughts and it completely eroded my sense of self worrying sick over her damn near every day. And no, I probably wasn't very helpful either, I was just a dumb asocial teenager, go figure it didn't work out. I hear about the dramas that everyone in relationships go through, I see how none of the parents of my friends ever seem happy together, if they're not outright divorced. The divorce rate may only be 50%, but a pretty fat majority of everyone else is clearly just hauling though misery because that's what they're "supposed to do". I don't really care for having this source of stress in my life. In the cases where people do seem to have a dating relationship down pat, they admit they just have to treat their gf's like pets, pandering to their whims, but ultimately manipulating the situation so they can "score" while keeping the peace between them. Every part of that seems inauthentic, demeaning, cruel, and shallow. Why on earth would I want that crowding my priorities with education right now. For the record, I do consider comprehension to be the most significant motivation to keep sticking around, plus the fear of failure, that's just the kind of nerd I am.
And yet the pressure STILL gets to me. I STILL agonize at how much of a failure I must be to have been single for the last 5 years straight. How "depleted" the "dating market" must be turning by the time I expect to have any time for that. And of course it's stupid to worry like this, it's just social media propaganda or whatever. But like fuck, I'm just so tired of this shit. It gets to me so so bad. I don't want to be here, I've only ever thought this was all a sacrifice to have a more fulfilling life in the long run but I've gutted everything that might have added that worth in the first place.
I guess it's just my long-winded vent to get across that I'm scared now. I've been rejected from everything, and my friends have all moved on in their careers. I can't get my shit together enough to plan something for my weekends, so I'm just drinking and doing weed for the umpteenth time. I'm just really scared, because usually this kind of wave doesn't get this strong nor this long. I've been sleeping on it for multiple days now and it's the only thing on my mind. There just can't be any future, this is literally the best it's ever going to be, and ending it just has to be the only way. idk, I'm afraid and a little tipsy now. I'm scared to reach out to anyone too, I extremely desperately cannot let anyone I know know about this while I'm still here. I'm writing out my notes and messages but fuck I'm just scared man.
If anyone actually read this, I'm sincerely grateful, I'm sorry to put you through this ramble. Even if no one reads though, I'm glad I got to at least get something out there.
