This is all there is

[TotallyIsolated]

I'm not suicidal, which I attribute 99% to an increased dose of antidepressants. I'm close to 40, I have a job, a few friends, and I live alone.

I absolutely hate living. I feel like I'll be trapped repeating the same day every day until I die. Nothing ever happens. Nothing ever changes. Coronavirus lockdown hasn't helped, but it hasn't fundamentally changed anything for me.

I feel like I basically have nothing in my life.

I spend the weekend lying in bed waiting to go back to work. I dont *want* to do anything. Sometimes I play video games, but theres little pleasure in it.

People usually invalidate me when I try to talk about it - "thats life" or "everyone feels this way" they say - if thats true then I just dont understand how *ANYONE* on Earth could just be ok with this - why doesn't *everyone* just kill themselves??

I hate this life and I hate the person I am. I'm annoyed with myself for having gotten better in the past few months. I wish I was suicidal again so I can actually DO SOMETHING. I dont think I have the courage to stop taking my meds, though.

I *want* to feel better. I've been in therapy for years and I feel like I work really hard on it, but progress has been close to zero for like 10 years now.

What should I do?

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Good question. I had a similar attitude before illness struck and tore my life to ittybitty pieces. At the time I just laughed at the absurdity of it and played online games.
People who have a cause and motivation are lucky. Find a goal on life if you can, a dream, a cause to champion. I ever had such a thing, so what do I know?

 

[Kumachan]

"thats life"

hate when ppl say it! Interestingly it tells you a lot about quality of "life" in general - no one ever says "thats life" in response to something good happening

 

[a.n.kirillov]

"That's life" was my father's favorite expression ... Okay, fucktard, if you are hip to that fact – then why did you create me?!

 

[SipSop]

"That's life" was my father's favorite expression ... Okay, fucktard, if you are hip to that fact – then why did you create me?!

Our parents did not gave us life as a present. They gave themselves a child. And regarding "that's life" it expressing futility of life. Like you cannot change the outcome. This is what it really means.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Yeah. Another member of this forum pointed out not long ago, the real (literal) meaning of the answer "I can't complain" to the question "how are you".

You can't complain because no on will accept you complaining.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

That's basically how i feel.. Im so sorry you feel this way to...

 

[Arrow]

What should I do?

personally, i don't know. i also have extreme difficulty with wanting to do anything, so know you're not alone in that.

 

[maru.]

I feel this all of the time too, it's truly crazy how pointless literally everything is.
I'm having a lot of problems right now, but when i think about overcoming them, i don't care much.
Get my diploma, start working, make my money, invest it in a couple of hobbies that can be fun but in the end are just a distraction that i don't care much about.
I mean, i can see 3 things that people mention as their reasons for living and stuff: Career, Hobbies and Relationships.
I don't know how some people can be so into their careers, if it was good and enjoyable we wouldn't be paid for doing it, it would be the other way around.
Hobbies i've mentioned already, it can be "fun", definitely, i still enjoy some, but it's not enough of a reason to live, that's so empty.
Now, relationships and family, well, my friends are what keeps me around, and the time i spend with them is fun, but is that all there is?
Your family is the same deal.
Now "building" a family, i mean, to me having kids is just unfair, to them more specifically, and getting married, i mean, it's the same thing with friends, but there's sex.
Again, it can be "nice", but i can't be the only one that finds existing exhausting, and this is supposed to be the point of it?
It's all just so empty when you stop to think about it.
No wonder i have such a hard time getting out of bed, it's hard putting effort into a "good" future when you don't care about having any future at all.