Venting This has to end.

[DysphoriaKilledMe]

I want to make it til the end of the year for the sake of my family, but I fear I cannot. The dysphoria and envy, it consumes me. The slightest compliment of an attractive woman being called pretty is enough to make me feel ill. Ill out of envy, because that is what I am not. I cannot concentrate, I cannot listen to my favorite genre of music anymore without feeling depressed, and i cannot look in the mirror without being grossed out. Sex talk makes me depressed,

I just feel so sick to my stomach. Having been born male. Transitioning will not help as I am in my 30s and already missed the best years of being a woman. Plus I would not pass and all that scarring doesn't sit well with me. I just feel so empty watching people in a body that I wish I had. I just feel so sick to my stomach and ill. I even get car sick when I leave the house.

I have the sn, and I have my suicide note written out. Of course this is not what I really want, but what I really want is not practical. It's so painful living with dysphoria. I don't want to cope any longer. I need peace.

 

[Cathy Ames]

That envy + empty feeling sounds soul-crushing. I'm sorry this has happened to you

 

[Pluto]

Gender dysphoria is an awful situation for anyone to face, and I think the way that mass media endlessly hypes beauty 24/7 makes it even worse.

Most people on the planet are too young, too old, have the wrong body or have any number of limitations preventing them from being anything like the sexual primetime that is constantly rubbed in our faces by the media. Already this makes the culture a misery factory.

And to add even more tragedy, people who are in their prime of beauty with no gender dysphoria make up a decent percentage of people on this very website anyway, often due to the horrors of predation or lacking an opportunity to find any sort of sense of self amidst all the noise of this twisted, hollow society. What to say? Life is suffering.

 

[Nirrend]

I want to make it til the end of the year for the sake of my family, but I fear I cannot. The dysphoria and envy, it consumes me. The slightest compliment of an attractive woman being called pretty is enough to make me feel ill. Ill out of envy, because that is what I am not. I cannot concentrate, I cannot listen to my favorite genre of music anymore without feeling depressed, and i cannot look in the mirror without being grossed out. Sex talk makes me depressed,

I just feel so sick to my stomach. Having been born male. Transitioning will not help as I am in my 30s and already missed the best years of being a woman. Plus I would not pass and all that scarring doesn't sit well with me. I just feel so empty watching people in a body that I wish I had. I just feel so sick to my stomach and ill. I even get car sick when I leave the house.

I have the sn, and I have my suicide note written out. Of course this is not what I really want, but what I really want is not practical. It's so painful living with dysphoria. I don't want to cope any longer. I need peace.

Hi sweet @DysphoriaKilledMe

I'm sorry to read about all this pain ❤

I can imagine reading you, what a Gender Disphoria feels like... Discomfort, loneliness, uneasiness, regrets of a body and a gender that you didn't have... I understand that you hate yourself, that you may feel like an intruder, or a mistakenly constituted being ❤

I'm sorry that I suffer like this ❤

If I'm wrong about what you're going through, I apologize and I don't want to constitute a false image of you...

Dysphoria is really a complex entity, where discomfort, desire to be different, all mixed with feelings of despair, depression, reigns in people's minds...

I know you are suffering a lot but, above all, know that Freud said that the human mind is both male and female. In this, we are both internally

Then, I don't know exactly what brings you to suffer like this, is it because the male gender disgusts you by their behaviour (violence, machismo, vulgarity, mentality) ? Is it because you have always been a kind, sensitive person and you don't recognize yourself in men today? Is it because of your shape? Is it because you have been subjected to reflections on your appearance that have deeply affected you in the past?

To be honest, I know that this is a very complex subject. I would never allow myself to just say "love you" or "accept you" because I know it's not that easy.

On the other hand, you should know that this mood, this crying, this unstable sensitivity that you feel today, may be simply the result of an increase in your neurobiological activity (generation and activity of neurotransmitters in the centre of the so-called limbic brain, i.e., the place of emotions)

I don't know if you see professionals, if you have prescriptions, but certain molecules could attenuate this emotional suffering

As far as the "self-view" side is concerned, I think that even if you have already done it, it could be interesting to understand why you see yourself like that, why you suffer so much from being born male.

"What do I not like about myself?" "Have I always hated being a man, tes, no, really ?" "Was there an event that caused my discomfort, my uneasiness?" "Even if I don't recognize myself in this gender, are there things that I have appreciated and could appreciate again today?" "What would I need to be happy and why would I need that?"

Even if you have to tell yourself that these questions are absurd, they would at least allow you, by answering sincerely, to understand in depth this malaise. You know, when you are anxious, when you suffer, the feeling is multiplied tenfold when you don't understand exactly why this discomfort exists. It's like physical pain, very often, it's the fear due to the shock that makes the feeling increase tenfold, but if a person who has been injured takes a deep breath, the pain calms down and the feeling diminishes.

It can have the same effect here! Even if I don't guarantee miracles, understanding your experience perfectly and answering to the questions while sadness is gone (like that, your answers will be more rational ans true), this can help you to relativize and attenuate this suffering ❤

In any case, I think it's because you're at the end of your rope and without hope today that you think that changing sex at your age is not worth it ❤

If you feel when you've thought this through that it's the only way to get better, then why not do it?

After all, age is not a factor in determining whether a choice is good or bad

In medicine, choices are made in relation to a "benefit-risk" balance, but when it comes to us and only us, the only thing that determines the quality of a choice is the will and conviction of the one who decides! ❤

You are brave to have endured all this ❤ Anyone would suffer as you are suffering today ❤

We love you, your suffering is legitimate ❤

Whatever you choose to do, keep us posted ❤

Love ❤

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound unbearable what you are going through, the truth is that there is simply nothing fair about this life and of course life is such a terrible concept where factors out of people's control determine their lives. I do hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[DysphoriaKilledMe]

Hi sweet @DysphoriaKilledMe

I'm sorry to read about all this pain ❤

I can imagine reading you, what a Gender Disphoria feels like... Discomfort, loneliness, uneasiness, regrets of a body and a gender that you didn't have... I understand that you hate yourself, that you may feel like an intruder, or a mistakenly constituted being ❤

I'm sorry that I suffer like this ❤

If I'm wrong about what you're going through, I apologize and I don't want to constitute a false image of you...

Dysphoria is really a complex entity, where discomfort, desire to be different, all mixed with feelings of despair, depression, reigns in people's minds...

I know you are suffering a lot but, above all, know that Freud said that the human mind is both male and female. In this, we are both internally

Then, I don't know exactly what brings you to suffer like this, is it because the male gender disgusts you by their behaviour (violence, machismo, vulgarity, mentality) ? Is it because you have always been a kind, sensitive person and you don't recognize yourself in men today? Is it because of your shape? Is it because you have been subjected to reflections on your appearance that have deeply affected you in the past?

To be honest, I know that this is a very complex subject. I would never allow myself to just say "love you" or "accept you" because I know it's not that easy.

On the other hand, you should know that this mood, this crying, this unstable sensitivity that you feel today, may be simply the result of an increase in your neurobiological activity (generation and activity of neurotransmitters in the centre of the so-called limbic brain, i.e., the place of emotions)

I don't know if you see professionals, if you have prescriptions, but certain molecules could attenuate this emotional suffering

As far as the "self-view" side is concerned, I think that even if you have already done it, it could be interesting to understand why you see yourself like that, why you suffer so much from being born male.

"What do I not like about myself?" "Have I always hated being a man, tes, no, really ?" "Was there an event that caused my discomfort, my uneasiness?" "Even if I don't recognize myself in this gender, are there things that I have appreciated and could appreciate again today?" "What would I need to be happy and why would I need that?"

Even if you have to tell yourself that these questions are absurd, they would at least allow you, by answering sincerely, to understand in depth this malaise. You know, when you are anxious, when you suffer, the feeling is multiplied tenfold when you don't understand exactly why this discomfort exists. It's like physical pain, very often, it's the fear due to the shock that makes the feeling increase tenfold, but if a person who has been injured takes a deep breath, the pain calms down and the feeling diminishes.

It can have the same effect here! Even if I don't guarantee miracles, understanding your experience perfectly and answering to the questions while sadness is gone (like that, your answers will be more rational ans true), this can help you to relativize and attenuate this suffering ❤

In any case, I think it's because you're at the end of your rope and without hope today that you think that changing sex at your age is not worth it ❤

If you feel when you've thought this through that it's the only way to get better, then why not do it?

After all, age is not a factor in determining whether a choice is good or bad

In medicine, choices are made in relation to a "benefit-risk" balance, but when it comes to us and only us, the only thing that determines the quality of a choice is the will and conviction of the one who decides! ❤

You are brave to have endured all this ❤ Anyone would suffer as you are suffering today ❤

We love you, your suffering is legitimate ❤

Whatever you choose to do, keep us posted ❤

Love ❤

Thanks. I went to therapy for 10 months but gave up since i wasnt willing to take their suggestions, and i am still am not.

The thing is, i am not willing to settle for anything less than what i want. Life is already barely worth living when one has their ideal appearance because it will all end anyways. It's simply not worth it living with anything less. I see no reason to live a life of cope just for minimal relief.

I suffer from being male because i hate the anatomy head to toe including the genitials. I also (looking from the outside) believe that being female to be a lot better for a variety of reasons including that the female body is better looking as this once again is a matter of self view.

I am still insisting that CTBing is my answer to this. I am going to die eventually anyways so why bother live a life just to cope? There's no reason for me to.

 

[makethepainstop]

I want to make it til the end of the year for the sake of my family, but I fear I cannot. The dysphoria and envy, it consumes me. The slightest compliment of an attractive woman being called pretty is enough to make me feel ill. Ill out of envy, because that is what I am not. I cannot concentrate, I cannot listen to my favorite genre of music anymore without feeling depressed, and i cannot look in the mirror without being grossed out. Sex talk makes me depressed,

I just feel so sick to my stomach. Having been born male. Transitioning will not help as I am in my 30s and already missed the best years of being a woman. Plus I would not pass and all that scarring doesn't sit well with me. I just feel so empty watching people in a body that I wish I had. I just feel so sick to my stomach and ill. I even get car sick when I leave the house.

I have the sn, and I have my suicide note written out. Of course this is not what I really want, but what I really want is not practical. It's so painful living with dysphoria. I don't want to cope any longer. I need peace.

Couldn't you be a cute dude? You know there are males that are bi or gay.......so you could still get complements as a boyfriend. Hell you could even try being a drag queen, and be pretty. There are some folks who although they may not be the best looking, do have partners. To be fair there is an old gay saying, "To find your prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads!" But hey, the toad DID get kissed, A LOT!

 

[Nirrend]

Thanks. I went to therapy for 10 months but gave up since i wasnt willing to take their suggestions, and i am still am not.

The thing is, i am not willing to settle for anything less than what i want. Life is already barely worth living when one has their ideal appearance because it will all end anyways. It's simply not worth it living with anything less. I see no reason to live a life of cope just for minimal relief.

I suffer from being male because i hate the anatomy head to toe including the genitials. I also (looking from the outside) believe that being female to be a lot better for a variety of reasons including that the female body is better looking as this once again is a matter of self view.

I am still insisting that CTBing is my answer to this. I am going to die eventually anyways so why bother live a life just to cope? There's no reason for me to.

No problem, I understand

Sorry to see you suffer ❤

Wishing you the best ❤

Love ❤

 

[DysphoriaKilledMe]

Couldn't you be a cute dude? You know there are males that are bi or gay.......so you could still get complements as a boyfriend. Hell you could even try being a drag queen, and be pretty. There are some folks who although they may not be the best looking, do have partners. To be fair there is an old gay saying, "To find your prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads!" But hey, the toad DID get kissed, A LOT!

You missed the part where i said i hated the male body i take it? Also i hate the male body so I am clearly not into guys.

*sighs*

 

[makethepainstop]

I'm sorry I didn't get that. I thought that you liked males.(Never said that I was the sharpest mind on SS). My apologies, apparently my understanding of your feelings was most incorrect. I thought I was on the right track, turns out I am at the wrong train station!

 

[DysphoriaKilledMe]

It seems i didnt make it too clear i hated the male body (so this is partially on me), even though i implied it. But dysphoria cannot be solved by pretending to be a gay male.

I find the male body as a whole to be gross looking. As implied in the OP, i want to be female start to finish, and for me, it is not worth living with anything less. I do know that being male is an option, but i'd rather CTB (a decision i will hopefully go through with very soon).

 

[makethepainstop]

I'm sorry I didn't get that. I thought that you liked males.(Never said that I was the sharpest mind on SS). My apologies, apparently my understanding of your feelings was most incorrect. I thought I was on the right track, turns out I am at the wrong train station!

It seems i didnt make it too clear i hated the male body (so this is partially on me), even though i implied it. But dysphoria cannot be solved by pretending to be a gay male.

I find the male body as a whole to be gross looking. As implied in the OP, i want to be female start to finish, and for me, it is not worth living with anything less. I do know that being male is an option, but i'd rather CTB (a decision i will hopefully go through with very soon).

I'm sorry I failed to grasp that before. But now I understand, you don't like males period. Ok I must apologize for my ignorance, You have been most enlightening. Thank you for your patience.

 

[DysphoriaKilledMe]

I hope that i can go through with it this weekend. My strategy before taking the sn is to force myself to look at all of my triggers (pictures of attractive women) so i can feel so helpless and in despair, that i realize suicide is the only end to it.