Venting This has to end + I went to a pub for Thanksgiving....

[WorthlessTrash]

2 threads in one because I wrote them both on my alt account before getting this one back. Like my opinion, hate my opinion, whatever. I hopefully will be dead in a few days... Why am I posting this again? Idk. Maybe I just want validation for my problems, but who doesn't?

I want to make it til the end of the year for the sake of my family, but I fear I cannot. The dysphoria and envy, it consumes me. The slightest compliment of an attractive woman being called pretty is enough to make me feel ill. Ill out of envy, because that is what I am not. I cannot concentrate, I cannot listen to my favorite genre of music anymore without feeling depressed, and i cannot look in the mirror without being grossed out. Sex talk makes me depressed,



I just feel so sick to my stomach. Having been born male. Transitioning will not help as I am in my 30s and already missed the best years of being a woman. Plus I would not pass and all that scarring doesn't sit well with me. I just feel so empty watching people in a body that I wish I had. I just feel so sick to my stomach and ill. I even get car sick when I leave the house.



I have the sn, and I have my suicide note written out. Of course this is not what I really want, but what I really want is not practical. It's so painful living with dysphoria. I don't want to cope any longer. I need peace.

I went to a pub for thanksgiving and saw a few hostesses/waitresses that were attractive, all the while my dysphoric self sat at the table eating his pizza and mozzarella sticks ruminating about what it would be like to be them. To go home, to look in the mirror and see someone beautiful staring back at them in the reflection. Each time I saw them walk by with their feminity, I wanted to take to just run home and chug some SN. I'm staying alive with no chance of me getting what I want, having the appearance that I so richly desire. I can't even get motivated to participate in my hobbies because living in a body I hate is just too damn overwhelming.

What is even the point of trying to make a life you hate, work? I'm just going to die anyways. I don't even know why I returned to this site. I guess to just rebut and argue with virtue signalers on this site who like to spew toxic optimism claiming things will get better when they don't have a damn shred of proof. Or to argue with people who somehow think that by calling me a "beautiful girl", it's going to make a difference in how I feel. Why would it? I don't see a beautiful girl when I look in the mirror. I see a man, and that is the problem.

My mother doesn't even understand how horrible dysphoria is. so they won't understand why it will lead me to taking my own life. They don't understand how jealous it is going to make me of the opposite sex. How resentful I am already. Unless you suffer from dysphoria. you'll never understand even in the slightest how it affects someone. It's not like we choose to feel this way. It's not like we only think about life as the correct sex once in a while. The thought crosses our mind, or at least my mind at least 95% of the day every day.

I hate myself, I hate my life. I just want out!